How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

On a first date (and last) date w/a man who asked me my nationality. When I said German he said oh yes, big feet small boobs. I couldn't get out of there fast enough

Would you believe he chased me and harassed me for months after that awful date. So gross and rude

"Yes I think you’re right. How would your vulva clamp shut?"

Like a clam, protecting the inner contents (including the vagina).

Not quite the same type of story but when I was 18 I dated a guy who told me his cousin ( R) was a member of a famous band . He looked quite similar , had the same last name and his family came from the same place in the UK , so I believed him . We went to a club in London and my BF was ordering drinks at the bar and "his cousin R " walked in . As he and his entourage walked past I got up and spoke to R and told him his cousin( my BF ) was here . At that point my BF returned and R looked blankly at him and said " that's not my cousin , never seen him before " .

Excellent timing - what did the bf say? 😂

He had to confess he had made up the story as they shared a surname and had similar looks . TBH I didn't like the band so the fake brag was wasted on me .

David Brent?

Jesus Christ!

Couldn’t make that up if you tried! Ha bet he was gutted!

To be honest it was the best date we ever had , just for the comedy value .

OLD (bumble though not tinder). Profile clearly said 'have children, don't want more'. Matched with a guy, chatted a bit then met for coffee. One of the first things he said was "is the no more children thing negotiable" . I said "no, it isn't," He said "really, even having met me now I still couldn't pursuade you to have my child" . So I said "well I have only met you for 10 mins, but I definitely don't want more children with anyone."
His response, "let's have a proper date, you will be begging to have my babies before the nights out" 🤢🤢🤢
Declined the offer of a proper date!!

Omg 😂 😂 😂

I met a guy when I was a teen, he was older. He was up in Scotland working from England. He took me to hotels after dates. I was a troubled teen. Looking for love and attention I guess. He then went home and told me some elaborate, obviously false story abut having to go abroad to find his lost family member or some bullshit. I just stopped contacting him. Been used a few times by men when I was a teen and they were older. One was a boss I had.... One was another idiot who was commitment phobic and another was a colleague who was sex mad... ugh I regret them all.

Even my 1st arse of a boyfriend was 21 and I was just turned 16. Sad when I think back.

There was a few other losers in the mix too.

Met my husband at 21 and now 40. He is a nice man, but he is Neurodiverse ( which I wasn't aware of at the start , until we actually had kids )

Maybe he’s another one with a trouser cannon.
Boom. What a fuckwit.

We do, partly because we’re careful who we make them with 😂.

Beam me up Scotty!

Did you date Basil Brush ??

Dating again after being widowed four years, he had been divorced from effectively childhood sweetheart and mother of his children four years, all very amicable. Then I found out in those four years he's bought a house with someone else and married a third person. I asked him if the second divorce was also amicable... "no, ha ha, she even accused me of rape to the police"

Took a train to meet a guy ( he asked me out for lunch). We went to a cafe ( just your average cafe) and sat down to look at the menu.. l said oh I will have the jacket potato with tuna mayo. £ 5.50. A fanta orange £1.60.
He took ages looking at the menu .. then stood up and said " come on we are going I'm not paying these prices".
I was so hungry having had no breakfast and was an hour train ( cost me £12 )..
We ended up walking round town.. l thought we were looking for another cafe.. just as we were passing a Greg's he gave me a pound coin and said " here get in the queue and buy yourself a sausage roll on me"
I threw the pound back at him and walked off in the direction of the train station.

During covid, just as restrictions were ending but before you could eat inside I'd been talking to a guy for a while. Seemed pleasant and articulate. Met him once and he seemed OK so agreed to meet for lunch next time.

Ate lunch, was nice, but freezing as outside. He invited me back to his place as close by. I agreed. Got to his and it was almost hoarder house level inside, clutter and mess everywhere. He gave me a tour of the house but refused to show my the upstairs area that he used (he had moved back in with his mum) because it was too messy 😐👀. He made us a cup of tea in grubby kitchen which we took to lounge and then started to try to kiss and fondle. That was the point I belatedly made my excuses and left! Shame as he had seemed so nice in the written messages lol.

Not the point of the thread but that was my first thought too!

I wondered if it was a typo for VOLVO and something to do with closing the boot.

These are hilarious, great thread op.

For balance, my very lovely (but a bit shy) little brother met his beloved on Bumble (girls pick boys on that one I understand) and they are getting wed later this year ❤️

😂
When I was a teenager (early 90's) I met up with a guy who'd looked normal in daytime, but he turned up to the pub (average jeans & t-shirt type of village pub) wearing a velvet fitted single button jacket with nothing underneath. He'd floofed his hair up so it was really bouffant on top.
Think he was after a David Hasselhoff look, but his skin was the colour of mushroom soup and he looked like he was making a slow recovery from consumption.
Such a whiny attention-seeking idiot too.
Twas a long evening.

I always wondered if things would be better with a matchmaker, apparently not!

I had a guy once say "please, I'll be quick" when I declined to hook up with him