To not send my SIL a birthday gift?

[mintbug]

My partner and I have been together for nearly nine years. I'm close with my family. We're a bit scattered so don't get together very frequently but he has spent plenty of time with them over the years and they all get along.

Two out of my three siblings don't acknowledge my partner's birthday. No gifts or cards, and I have to prompt them every year to even send him a text. he's very easygoing and doesn't mind, but I can't help feeling a bit annoyed on his behalf.

I've always sent birthday gifts to my siblings' partners, but I'm trying to be less of a people-pleaser and I've decided I'm going to stop as it isn't reciprocated.

The problem is, my SIL's birthday is the same day as my brother's and I've always sent their gifts together, so it's going to be noticeable that I haven't sent her anything.

I feel awkward about it, but was going to just go ahead and if my brother mentions it, I'll explain why. However, our mum says I should be direct and tell him in advance. I can see her point, but I'm worried about it coming across as accusatory or confrontational. I don't want to make a big deal of it, I just want to break the cycle of unreciprocated gift giving.

I'm torn. WWYD?

Stop sending gifts as they don't reciprocate.

Do you get a birthday gift from them?

Thank you. Would you say something, or just stop?

Yes, I do. Just not my partner.

Edited to clarify: I get a gift from them, as a couple. Not an individual gift from my SIL.

I'd speak to them and say shall we stop buying gifts for each other entirely and just meet for a drink/cake/coffee instead? So much easier.

Just send one for your sibling then and if they mention it say 'oh I didn't think we were doing partner birthdays now'

I would say something in advance, but try to be polite, rather than passive aggressive, if you can think of wording? "Dear brother, just thinking ahead, are we doing presents for partners' birthdays this year? Not sure if you prefer to just us exchanging presents rather than for Polly and Josh as well."

This is great, thank you.

You get a gift from them as a couple so send them a gift as a couple . Simples!

”hi brother
ive just popped your birthday gift in the post. I noticed we haven’t been doing partner gifts but hope we can meet up with you and SIL for a drink soon to celebrate her, too!
with love”

Onus is then on them for the penny to drop and then either apologise and say they’ve dropped the ball, or simply take it on the chin and you’re sorted now for future.

You’re doing the right thing! Xx

But then I'm still sending my SIL a gift (albeit a joint one) while my partner gets ignored.

This is helpful, thank you x

Send them a joint gift and card. Excluding her looks a bit mean as they are on the same day and you have always sent something.... gifting shouldn't be a tit for tat thing!

i would say nothing. And if they ask say "oh i got you the same as you got my DH" and then probably "let's stop doing birthday gifts, now we're all adults"

Personally I'd stop doing gifts, it's a lot of unnecessary palaver and expense for adults.

Have you seen what Martin Lewis says about gifting?

I feel a bit sorry for your sil, it’ll look you’re being rude to her when the problem is your brother (I see it as his job to arrange family gifts). I think in your situation I wouldn’t bother with either but would explain beforehand that you’re following from their example of not doing presents but would love to catch up for a drink.

Send a card and a small gift this year but ask the question..
Now we are all adults, should we stop buying birthday gifts?

I would just send cards and try to have a meet up every couple of months.

You're right, it's completely on my brother, not her. I need to give this some more thought I think.

We don't bother with partner birthday gifts but aa it's the same day I'd just do sometimes joint like a voucher or bottle of wine. Or even just a card. You'd be within your rights not to though!

I get birthday gifts from them as a couple. He gets birthday gifts from us as a couple. She gets birthday gifts from us as a couple. My partner gets nothing.

So yes, I'm proposing to stop sending her presents.

This is an issue with your brother, not her. Personally I think adult gift giving is a bit much in general, so if it bothers you that much you stop gifts for everyone. But to just stop for her when she is so far from being the main issue is just mean.

It's not just her, it's my sister's boyfriend as well. But his birthday is nowhere near my sister's, so that's much less noticeable.

I don't want to be mean, I love her. I just want to get out of the cycle of giving partner gifts that aren't reciprocated.

But surely you want it to be noticeable from what you've said if the issue is you feel he's being slighted each year? Otherwise just send her a box of chocolates and don't worry about it.

@mintbug I've always sent birthday gifts to my siblings' partners, but I'm trying to be less of a people-pleaser and I've decided I'm going to stop as it isn't reciprocated.

If it's never been reciprocated, you really should stop. I found from my own experience that lack of assertiveness on this type of matters just breeds resentment in the end.

My MIL and my husband's siblings and nieces have always behaved similar to what you describe. For the first 10 years of our marriage, I always bought gifts for my MIL, SIL, BIL and even their children. More often than not, I didn't even get thanks, let alone any gifts for my husband or our son. I don't even want to mention myself as I have never even received a text from them on my birthdays. I don't know why I continued bothering with them for as long as I did but I honestly now wish that I didn't.

I have given up on all this a while ago. I don't call or visit them and frankly don't feel like I am missing anything. They are also a bit scattered around the country and one of my SIL's lives in France, so maybe that's the reason but whatever it is, I feel better now that I've stopped bothering with them all. I don't stop my husband from keeping in touch with his family obviously but as far as I am concerned, I have written then all off. It's clear to me that they don't care about our family and have no interest in us, so I don't see why I should be interested in them. I tried long enough and even my husband acknowledges that nobody could have tried harder, so that's a consolation enough for me. Wishing you all the best! Be strong!