To not send my SIL a birthday gift?

[mintbug]

My partner and I have been together for nearly nine years. I'm close with my family. We're a bit scattered so don't get together very frequently but he has spent plenty of time with them over the years and they all get along.

Two out of my three siblings don't acknowledge my partner's birthday. No gifts or cards, and I have to prompt them every year to even send him a text. he's very easygoing and doesn't mind, but I can't help feeling a bit annoyed on his behalf.

I've always sent birthday gifts to my siblings' partners, but I'm trying to be less of a people-pleaser and I've decided I'm going to stop as it isn't reciprocated.

The problem is, my SIL's birthday is the same day as my brother's and I've always sent their gifts together, so it's going to be noticeable that I haven't sent her anything.

I feel awkward about it, but was going to just go ahead and if my brother mentions it, I'll explain why. However, our mum says I should be direct and tell him in advance. I can see her point, but I'm worried about it coming across as accusatory or confrontational. I don't want to make a big deal of it, I just want to break the cycle of unreciprocated gift giving.

I'm torn. WWYD?

So you get a present from your brother and wife?
And your husband gets nothing?
So send a joint present from you and your husband to your brother only. That is exactly what they do to you, so you are reciprocating perfectly. But I’d make sure the present is for your brother, not both of them, as presumably their present is for you, not you and your husband.

Basically, I’d do exactly what they do.

And I wouldn’t say anything. Why would you? Did they ever say anything about not getting your husband a present?

In the long term (ie not this year) stop all presents, I second the Martin Lewis presents video.

I don't want to make some kind of point about him being slighted. He genuinely doesn't care. I just want to stop doing it in the least confrontational way possible. I'd definitely prefer it not to be noticeable, hence my dilemma about their birthdays being on the same day.

If you don't see each other often, I don't think they will notice or care, sorry! I think it's a case of it just being not as important to them as it is to you. I buy gifts for my ILs when I see them at Christmas but not birthdays. I like them all very much, it just wouldn't cross my mind to send a gift.

I really think you're overthinking this. Your brother and Sil send you a birthday gift, but not your partner. You send a gift to your brother from you and your partner. Send none to your SIL. Don't mention it unless they bring it up.
Start as you mean to go on, enforce your boundaries.

People saying they feel sorry for your SIL, why? Why not your partner?

Yes, exactly. This was my plan, but my mum got in my head about it saying she thinks I should address it directly. Thanks for your advice.

I don't think you can do it without it coming across and an obvious dig, but they are unlikely to understand why unless you say. So before your birthday I'd say oh please don't get me a present this year, we're trying to cut costs so won't be doing presents either. That way you don't take a present off them and then stop giving. And just accept that there are no presents for anyone. Otherwise I think it may cause more hurt than it's worth.

I’m brutal but I told mine and DH’s entire family ‘we can’t afford to do borthday/christmas presents anymore and so we’re stopping and only spending £10 each on nieces and nephews’ we had no complaints, we were just honest. What is the point on spending money and exchanging random tat to each other every year.

Thanks everyone. Good to get some balanced views and it's given me lots to think about.

you could phase it out. Start by getting a modest joint gift for your brother and SIL this year, then sometime in the future suggest all gift buying is knocked on the head, or siblings only.

Just send them a joint present and don't over think iot.
You don't have to spend a lot.

I think adult gifts are a pain in the arse and I'm so glad we don't do it in our family. However, it shouldn't be a tit for tat situation.

My brother gets my oldest a present but not my youngest. So I mentioned it, he said he would sort it but never has. So he will no longer get anything from us on birthdays and if he does get a present for the oldest she won't get it until I know my youngest gets one too.

It's his problem not mine and I'm not accepting it.

Can’t you just be up front about it? Surely if there is anyone you can be upfront with, it’s family? I would message my brother and say:

“I’ve noticed over the years that while I send birthday gifts to your partner and [sibling’s] partner, you guys don’t reciprocate with mine. That’s fine, but I do think it’s a bit one sided and is becoming unaffordable as well as unfair. So just a heads up that from this year we are going to stop sending gifts for partners. Hopefully we can all have a drink to celebrate their birthdays instead. And of course your present will be in the post soon!”

And send something similar to your sibling too.

Just send a text to all siblings - Shall we stop adult gifts now? it would be much nicer to meet up for the day/lunch/dinner instead

Hi OP

Perhaps just send (separately) a nice card for SIL and small token present for DB? If they do remark on it then that’s your opportunity to say to them what you’ve posted here.

Or just send a card/text for both and feel like you’ve done your “duty”!

I like the suggestion of a general, "Let's not do gifts anymore" text. But I stopped doing gifts with my sisters as soon as we reached adulthood, and I've never sent their partners anything, not even a card. So you're situation sounds like hard work to me, I mean really who wants to do gifts as adults?

It could be your brother who is the thoughtless one and maybe your SIL picks your gifts. I would just say to your brother that you wondered if there was any reason they tended to just send a card as you'd thought partners were included as part of the family/ given gifts too.

This happened to me. I would get my sibling’s partner’s a gift and they got mine nothing.

One year I had enough and just stopped. Didn’t communicate why. 3 out of 4 siblings said nothing. The other 1 said nothing but their partner promptly unfriended me on Facebook 🤣 it was really awkward and funny at the same time. As a bunch of passive aggressive idiots I never mentioned this and neither did they (to this day)!

You get a gift from them as a couple so send them a gift as a couple . Simples!

Exactly this, or just stop sending gifts altogether. At the end of the day, is it really that important? A video greeting card will do IMO, why push something that never reciprocates.