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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Be kind message that’s always trotted out on here

40 replies

Foreverbold · 03/02/2025 09:39

is usually only one sided.

Op needs to bend over backwards to help out her husband’s ex who is struggling alone with a baby.
The Op who has nosey neighbours that never gives her a seconds peace in her back garden. She always has to be friendly and chat every single time. Be kind they’re probably lonely and have no one else.
Op tries to enjoy social events but gets roped into babysitting because she’s a mother and it’s mean spirited for her to enjoy herself while others with young kids are struggling.

Bet those that need the help now weren’t there for the posters!

OP posts:
XWKD · 03/02/2025 09:41

I think the majority of posters are reasonable, even if there are ridiculous posts in many threads.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 03/02/2025 09:50

What bugs me about them is it's a case of do as I say not as I do. Because I genuinely don't imagine that many of the people who are happy to volunteer an OPs time, energy and money would be happy to doormat themselves to the same extent.

Bearbookagainandagain · 03/02/2025 09:54

Being kind doesn't mean being a doormat. But it's not about reciprocity either.

It's about you and your values. Set them up and live up to it or not, it's a personal choice.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 03/02/2025 10:00

There are certainly lots if posts that aren't very nice. I've seen lots that say things like: "Get a grip!"
"You sound awful"
"Glad you aren't my child"
"I feel sorry for your children"
"Your parents/friend/sister would be better off without you".
"Tell them to f off!"

I'm sure that anonymity plays a part in all this. I'm sure the same people posting these things anonymously have "#BeKind" all over their social media pages where their names are known.

Ablondiebutagoody · 03/02/2025 10:03

Be kind is just an updated "If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".

Doesn't really apply to AIBU though when the poster is asking for opinions, good and bad.

Princessfluffy · 03/02/2025 10:04

I think Be Kind is rarely something said by people who are kind themselves 😉

Anothernamechane · 03/02/2025 10:06

As a pp said most posters are reasonable but I normally see “be kind” in the context of kindness to the op rather than telling the op to be kind to her shitty husband or similar. I’ve not seen what you describe

apricitykomorebi · 03/02/2025 10:07

It's always easier to tell someone to be kind when it's not you who is involved in a challenging situation. I am obviously not suggesting that we shouldn't try and be as kind as we can but there are circumstances in life when people just need to do things that may not seem that kind to others.

HeddaGarbled · 03/02/2025 10:08

I think it’s the other way around. Anyone who reads some of the astonishing “do whatever you want and sod your neighbour/aged P etc” posts and suggests that maybe the OP could be a little less selfish gets jumped on as if they were suggesting she immolates herself in the street.

BeaAndBen · 03/02/2025 10:13

I think Mumsnet is one of the few spaces that pushes back strongly against Be Kind.

Women here encourage each other to stand up for themselves, robustly challenge the socialisation that tells us to put others ahead of our own rights and best interests, and cut through the platitudes.

It’s why I like it.

niadainud · 03/02/2025 10:22

I must say I find it very tedious to repeatedly read people bleating, "Be kind," in their OP as they proceed to describe a situation in which they have behaved unreasonably.

username299 · 03/02/2025 10:26

There are a lot of doormats here.

Lyn348 · 03/02/2025 10:52

My experience of MN is that it is always very anti the 'Be kind' mantra because it is seen as a way to shut women up. There will always be someone at the other end of the scale though I guess - and once one person goes in hard with their views often lots of others will jump on the band wagon too, no matter how unreasonable.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 03/02/2025 11:32

Bearbookagainandagain · 03/02/2025 09:54

Being kind doesn't mean being a doormat. But it's not about reciprocity either.

It's about you and your values. Set them up and live up to it or not, it's a personal choice.

Edited

By doormat I meant there are many threads about things being asked if someone that are totally out of order but people still post and encourage the OP to "be kind" even though I very much doubt they'd put up with the treatment they are endorsing.

OP: my friend wants me to give her a kidney/my life savings/my PFB and I really don't want to.

Responses: well its up to you obviously OP but it would be kind of you. You can always get more money/organs/children and you obviously don't like your friend much if you won't even consider it. I would do it in a heartbeat but that's just me.

LuisCarol · 03/02/2025 11:51

I've just pre-ordered a copy of "(un)kind " by Victoria Smith (Glosswitch) on this very subject.

Negroany · 03/02/2025 12:31

I tend to think people who say it do the opposite.

One day, I had a friend at my house, his car was on the drive. We were both doing something on the drive, I think taking something from my shed and putting it in his car. The boot and at least one door were open. So it was obvious there was someone around. My neighbour's daughter parked right over my driveway, totally blocking him in.

We finished what we were doing and he got in the car and started the engine. They saw him and one says "oh, do you need me to move" and he said "yes, but it might have been better if you hadn't parked there in the first place" (ok, bit unnecessary but he was peeved). Anyway, both the daughter and the neighbor started screaming at him about what a nasty selfish man he was and "whatever happened to #be kind". I was mortified. Really, it was they who were not being kind, both by parking there and by screeching at him calling him names. He just ignored them and drove off and I went inside.

Anyway, it doesn't mean anything.

MargaretThursday · 03/02/2025 12:36

That's one of the many problems with "be kind".

If you are kind and give the benefit of the doubt to someone, then you're often not being kind to others who are on the receiving end of the behaviour.

But I have never seen anyone I know in RL use it when they themselves are the opposite of Be Kind. They use it to hide their own behaviour behind a smoke screen.

SnoopysHoose · 03/02/2025 13:56

OP posts something that's complete madness and ends with please be gentle I'm fragile.

Upstartled · 03/02/2025 14:01

Other than a generally agreed upon principle that we should Be Kind to children, I think MN is entirely sceptical about demands to consider kindness above other value principles such as fairness or truthfulness.

Greenfinch7 · 03/02/2025 14:06

I see plenty of the opposite-'do what's right for you and disregard other people'. Also applied in reverse- 'Why should your friend/parent help you when you are in trouble; you chose to have kids and get sick, so get a grip'.

Such a harsh world.

Æthelred · 03/02/2025 14:06

The one that cracked me up was when the OP stayed in a £1500/night hotel over the Xmas break and someone said that the OP could have stayed in a £500/night hotel and given the difference to a food bank.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 03/02/2025 14:07

Yes, just look at the people yelling at the OP who's upset she's not invited to her own mother's wedding. "You're making it all about you!"

MyUmberSeal · 03/02/2025 14:09

Æthelred · 03/02/2025 14:06

The one that cracked me up was when the OP stayed in a £1500/night hotel over the Xmas break and someone said that the OP could have stayed in a £500/night hotel and given the difference to a food bank.

🤣😂

gannett · 03/02/2025 14:10

I find it's the opposite on here. I'm no fan of "Be Kind" but a lot of MNers tilt very far in the opposite direction. I see a lot of posters rail against "Be Kind" in such misanthropic terms that I suspect they've never once been tempted to be kind in the first place.

MyUmberSeal · 03/02/2025 14:16

Legit everyone should just try to be a bit nicer, gracious, patient, and all that. Also on MN, people should at least try and consider their responses, and not try to be kooky by being antagonistic with OP’s issues. BUT.. ‘be kind’ is such a naff phrase now. I’ve disliked it since it became a thing after Caroline Flack’s suicide.