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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deposit politics!

35 replies

Cinderella37 · 03/02/2025 08:45

We'd booked a villa abroad with another couple (including my best friend / bridesmaid) 14 months in advance as we got a good deal. Each couple paid a deposit of £350 on booking. A few months later I found out I was pregnant with my first child (we hadn't planned it at that point in time but it was happy news). I told my friend and she asked about the holiday - I said we'd be ok to go still, our baby will be 5 months by that point. My friend however said they didn't want to go with a baby in tow (a bit frustrating but I understood their concerns that it wasn't what they'd signed up for). She's now requested that I send them £350 being their share of the deposit. This will mean I'll have paid £700 deposit and also have to shoulder the entire £2500 cost of the villa unless I can find others to go with. We probably can't afford this as I'll be on maternity leave. I can understand they don't want to come on the holiday but think its a bit unfair requesting the deposit back before we've even found someone else to take their place.

YABU - pay them their share of the deposit
YANBU - do not pay them the deposit, it is their decision not to come

OP posts:
Catza · 03/02/2025 08:47

No, no, and no. You are still going. You are not the one cancelling a holiday. She made a decision not to go, it's on her. Her choices are to go, not to go and pay or not to go and find someone else to take her place.

Bubblegumtatoos · 03/02/2025 08:49

No. Your friend is choosing not to go. Try and find someone else and if you do drama over.

Ponoka7 · 03/02/2025 08:51

You've changed the terms and conditions. To keep the friendship, I'd at least try to split the difference, but think that you should refund them. Is there a family member who might jump on? Look over your figures and see if it's still affordable for you to go. Posters will say don't ay them, but it depends on if you want to keep the friendship.

Fluffyholeysocks · 03/02/2025 08:53

I do have some sympathy for your friend, I wouldn't want to stay in a villa with a new born baby. But as a friend I would try and find a solution rather than demand all my money back.

LIZS · 03/02/2025 08:56

Look at the terms and conditions and see if you can cancel/downsize. I think you have changed the holiday, be it unwittingly, so your problem to sort if you value the friendship.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 03/02/2025 08:58

I’m on the fence tbh. I can see why you don’t think you should pay the full cost but then from her perspective it’s gone from a couples break to a holiday with someone else’s new baby. I wouldn’t want to essentially tag along on someone’s first family holiday either and you’ve essentially given them no choice in the matter.

Bigfellabamboo · 03/02/2025 08:58

I don't think your friend is unreasonable. Going on holiday with a friendship group is vastly different to going with friends and their small baby. It could feel like it's a family holiday the friend is encroaching on. Not to mention disruption to sleep, not going out to do things you would have done the parents being centred on the baby.
Madness to book a holiday so far ahead really.

SnowdropPancake · 03/02/2025 09:00

It doesn't help the OP but I often wonder what kind of friends other people have. Regardless of my general lack of enthusiam for a holiday with a newborn, if I'd booked it with a close friend I'd still be going and making the very best of it.

I just cannot fathom telling a close friend 'nah, I'll not bother if you're going to bring your new offspring with you'. And I'd rethink any friendship I believed was close, if they did the same to me.

LetsGoOverThere · 03/02/2025 09:01

I'd really not want to go on a holiday with someone's 5 month old so I can see where your friends are coming from. It slightly depends on the villa though. If it was a huge villa with separate area it might not be too bad.
Can you get a relative to come?

Original poster
Cinderella37 · 03/02/2025 09:06

LetsGoOverThere · 03/02/2025 09:01

I'd really not want to go on a holiday with someone's 5 month old so I can see where your friends are coming from. It slightly depends on the villa though. If it was a huge villa with separate area it might not be too bad.
Can you get a relative to come?

thanks - yes we will look to firstly see if my parents come although they're not great travellers :-/ hopefully that will solve the problem for everyone.

OP posts:
MySpringAir · 03/02/2025 09:10

The person who pulls out looses their deposit. It's not on you to cover that.

Rosesarere · 03/02/2025 09:14

Normally I would agree that whoever pulls out loses their deposit but this is a tricky one as you have changed the dynamics of the holiday. I would want to go with. 5 month old baby. I think to keep the friendship you have to give back the deposit and pay for the holiday

LumpyandBumps · 03/02/2025 09:16

If you may struggle to pay the balance now it will not be shared could another solution be that your friend takes on this holiday and you find a smaller place just for your family?
I really don’t think it’s a straightforward case of your friend pulling out so she loses her deposit. You changed the dynamics of the holiday.

AnSolas · 03/02/2025 09:21

@Cinderella37 sorry but you changed the T&C and the holiday is a not as advertised

@SnowdropPancake imo one of the problems that always happens with a multifamily is a complaint of how the child care arrangments woked out. The baby will need a regular schedule and has to go everywhere with the OP. The other couple could treat the villa as a hotel room with a loud guest next door but the holiday the other couple imagined on booking is doomed before they get there.

ForRealCat · 03/02/2025 09:28

I think you need to pay her share of the deposit and either see if you can get someone else to come (grandparents who are desperate to spend time with the new arrival?) or you see if you can move to cheaper accommodation.

You have changed the type of holiday massively, it is not up to them to be happy with this

Thingsthatgo · 03/02/2025 09:33

I do agree that your friend is not being unreasonable, a newborn changes the whole dynamic of the holiday, including meals out, day trips, sun bathing, evening drinks. I can see why she doesn't want to go anymore.
If I were you I would bring trying very hard to find someone else to take the holiday.

MiraculousLadybug · 03/02/2025 09:36

"@Cinderella37 sorry but you changed the T&C and the holiday is a not as advertised"
LMAO she's not a bloody travel agent this is total nonsense.

OP hope your parents can go as that sounds best all round.

XWKD · 03/02/2025 09:38

I can understand why your friend doesn't want to go, but she booked 14 months in advance. Life happened in between. Don't pay her share of the deposit. It's non-refundable.

pizzaHeart · 03/02/2025 09:40

I hope she put it politely but essentially she is right, it will be a different holiday.
im surprised that you didn’t discuss it on a planning stage by the way.

Samung · 03/02/2025 09:42

MySpringAir · 03/02/2025 09:10

The person who pulls out looses their deposit. It's not on you to cover that.

Not when the holiday has been changed they don't. A holiday with a little baby is going to be very different to a holiday with two couples.

I'm really surprised how big the percentage of YANBU is!

whatdoyouthink123456 · 03/02/2025 09:48

Does your friend have fertility issues or anything? Is there more to it than a 'change of dynamic'?

How old are you all? Was it going to be a big party holiday? A double date villa sounds quite chilled to me.

I do understand that it's not people's dream to holiday with a small baby. But I wouldn't expect a very good friend to react that way.

Trickabrick · 03/02/2025 09:51

I think you have to pay her back - she paid the deposit for a couples holiday, not a family holiday. You’ve changed the goalposts (albeit for a lovely reason - for you!) but I can understand why she’d not want to pay for an expensive holiday that isn’t what she’d planned.

MyUmberSeal · 03/02/2025 09:51

I have sympathy for your mate. The nature of the holiday will be totally different with a baby in tow. That’s not what was on the table when the holiday was booked. If I was her I’d forfeit the deposit as a gesture of goodwill, but wouldn’t go on the holiday, and therefore pay no more money.

mistymorning12 · 03/02/2025 09:55

I can see both points of view. I wouldn't want to go away with someone's small baby if I didn't have children there myself. It's going to completely change the holiday, you won't be able to go out in the evening as much and you'll need to stay out of the sun etc.

I'd offer her half the deposit back.

I'd just cancel the villa and take a hit on the loss of deposit if you can't find anyone else to go with.

Original poster
Cinderella37 · 03/02/2025 10:05

whatdoyouthink123456 · 03/02/2025 09:48

Does your friend have fertility issues or anything? Is there more to it than a 'change of dynamic'?

How old are you all? Was it going to be a big party holiday? A double date villa sounds quite chilled to me.

I do understand that it's not people's dream to holiday with a small baby. But I wouldn't expect a very good friend to react that way.

No issues that I'm aware of, they're not long married so I expect it's on the agenda for them too but obviously don't know whether they're trying etc. We are mid thirties so definitely wasn't going to be a party holiday - days out and drinking round the pool more likely. I can understand them changing their mind as it isn't the holiday they envisaged but I was a bit put out that they demanded the deposit back before I'd even had chance to offer it out to someone else.

OP posts: