Can someone help me please?

[triedofeverything]

I have a longstanding history of depression and anxiety but it is through the roof just now. My DH has lost a lot of weight recently. He says he has had this issue with swallowing for over 20 years but recently it has got worse. I made him go to the doctor and blood tests have shown he has a high haemoglobin level, low vitamin b12 and liver function is off. I don't know the levels but he has to go for repeat bloods in 2 weeks He has to go for an endoscopy. The problem is I am catastrophising and my anxiety is through the roof. I am suicidal because of this, I really can't cope. He feels fine in himself and has no other symptoms. Can someone help me put this into perspective?

If you feel suicidal you really need to see your doctor. You have clearly focused on your DH's health but you also need to look after yourself. Please speak to a doctor today OP.

Whatever you do, don't start googling as it sends you down a wormhole. When it's a bit brighter outside try and get out for a walk. Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about bringing he tests forward although you could pay privately. Speak to your GP about how you are feeling they might have more treatment or support options for you. How is your husband responding? Are there any youtube videos that can help you regulate and breathe? It is horrible waiting OP but it just has to be done. Sorry edited to add to call for help if you are feeling suicidal, samaritans may be able to offer support or 999 if needed.

You need to ring a helpline or your doctor immediately if somone else being poorly is making you feel suicidal.

You need an emergency GP appointment today.

I'm having an endoscopy in a fortnight. Why are you suicidal about it? What will that achieve?

Your DH needs your support, not for you to flip it and make it about you. Go to your GP and get some help.

I know I have turned this round and it is so selfish. I told him that. It is making me feel worse.

I am scared he is dying of cancer. I have a cancer phobia and have been having thoughts like this for years.

If you've had such thoughts for years, why haven't you sought help before? Now when your DH needs you, it's not about him.
That's rather sad

Surely everyone has a cancer phobia?

Definitely get some help with that, there are anxiety courses out there which can work wonders. I did The Linden Method years ago, it's worth looking into. Alternatively get your GP to put you onto cognitive behavioral therapy.
I know it's hard but try to focus on other things in your life, and take it one step at a time with your DH's health.

I have had help, lot of it. It hasn't made any difference.

No, we don't. Even those of us who've had it don't necessarily have a 'phobia'. Peoplexdon't want cancer. They may fear getting it. But they don't all have a pure phobia.

With all due respect and meant kindly OP, your mental health is making his illness all about you. I know it's not intentional but it is still happening. You deserve support for your issues and so does he for his concerns and illness. Go to your GP or phone the NHS helpline ASAP.

Did you try a different therapist/type of therapy?

I agree.
Nobody wants cancer and many might be fearful of getting it, especially if they've had it before or a family member or friend has, but a phobia is a different level altogether.

antidepressants, CBT for 2 years.

yes I work full time and have grown up children.