Can someone help me please?

[triedofeverything]

I have a longstanding history of depression and anxiety but it is through the roof just now. My DH has lost a lot of weight recently. He says he has had this issue with swallowing for over 20 years but recently it has got worse. I made him go to the doctor and blood tests have shown he has a high haemoglobin level, low vitamin b12 and liver function is off. I don't know the levels but he has to go for repeat bloods in 2 weeks He has to go for an endoscopy. The problem is I am catastrophising and my anxiety is through the roof. I am suicidal because of this, I really can't cope. He feels fine in himself and has no other symptoms. Can someone help me put this into perspective?

He isn't stressed. He doesn't know I am having these thoughts. I haven't told anyone.

Where did OP even mention haematomacrosis and why would she or husband be looking at treatment for it if they don't have it. There is no diagnosis yet.

I think the previous poster was trying to reassure me,

Yes sorry. That was me. Probably my desire to help didn't hit the right mark. I'll report my post and get it removed

Apologies to all

What is it that particularly terrifies you? Him being ill or him dying?
It may sound like a stupid question but you say you feel suicidal over this, but if you committed suicide but he recovered after treatment what would have been the point?

I know exactly what you mean op and i would be the same as you. I've tried everything i can think of for my phobia and its still there, my stomach dropped when i read your op. I don't know the answer, but you're not alone. And you're not feeling this way for attention or to make it all about you. A phobia is a different level to normal worry or fear. Its horrible. I'd do anything to get rid of my cancer phobia, its got worse as I've got older and the chances of cancer increases. I'm in therapy now.

Anxiety isn't based on logic. Everything everyone is saying is absolutely correct and logical, but when you are extremely anxious, logic can't get a foothold

OP - have you downloaded the DARE app and read the book / audiobook?

You might find it helps to bring you down a notch or two

He isn't stressed. He doesn't know I am having these thoughts. I haven't told anyone.

So you're suicidal over his health concerns but you don't think he's worried? You think he has nothing to worry about because he doesn't know how you are feeling? Do you not think he might have his own thoughts on the matter, too?

Time to find some perspective, OP and you need to do that for yourself. No one on here can do it for you.

Take some responsibility and go to the GP.

Don't you think I have asked him that? He knows absolutely nothing of how I am feeling. Thanks for being supportive.

Thank you, I will look at that. I know I am not being logical. I think this all stemmed from when I was small. My mum had really bad asthma and I would stay off school to look after her - I was only young. I remember her gasping for breath and me constantly phoning the doctor for help. She still smoked though so she didn't help herself.

Thanks at least someone understands.

I’m diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but if you ask me WHY I feel anxious I often would say ‘but I don’t FEEL anxious’.

Just because he doesn’t know it, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

I also know that my issues CAN affect those around me, which is why I keep a firm grip on it.

Thank you, I'm really trying. He is to go back to the doctor in 2 weeks for repeat bloods. I just wish he had asked more questions.

To everyone who thinks I have turned this around to myself, you are completely correct, I have. I don't want to do this. I want to be supportive because that is what he would do. I know I am being really selfish and I want to snap myself out of it but I can't. The feeling of panic that washes over me is intolerable and only someone who knows what it feels like would understand.

I understand, OP.

I lost a former partner to brain cancer, many years ago. The fear has never really left me and I'm in therapy now.

Please seek more help for yourself so you can support your DH. It's ok to be afraid, btw. Lots of unsupportive posts on this thread.

And incidentally I have been in this situation where the worst actually happens.

I’d Got myself on quite an even keel when my DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the end of 2023. He’s still with us at present, it’s Multiple Myeloma so held at bay for now, but it is severely life limiting.

I was terrified! I had a bit of a breakdown, went to GP and had some hefty counselling.

I pulled myself up, I didn’t have a choice. It was my turn to look after him, and bizarrely it wasn’t as hard or as scary as I thought it would be because I love him.

I know one day he’ll be gone, and I’m not sure how I’ll handle it, but I know I will because to not handle it would be unacceptable to him.

I don't know why everyone thinks berating the Op is going to help, no one feels suicidal on purpose ffs. Nowhere in the op does she say she's burdening her DH with it, she's come on a forum so she DOESN'T have to tell him.

Op I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, please make a GP appointment as soon as they open, they will hopefully be able to try you on some new medication.

Second this. Dare is really good.

Does your workplace provide an EAP you could utilize?

It is worrying times for you but B12 you can have injections, liver function could be diet, the swallowing thing could be GERD. If they are redoing his bloods in a fortnight have they suggested he do anything in the meantime?

Of course you're not selfish

Panic and anxiety , when really heightened, can't be controlled. Without really good tools to hand.

As well as DARE take a look at this lady on utube. She reads bedtime stories (which I don't like) but her anxiety and panic videos are comforting imo

OP don't listen to people on here blaming you, you have an illness that makes you feel this way. You don't need to be ashamed and anyone sticking their boot in should try and walk a mile in your shoes first. Anxiety and panic is horrific.

MH provision is crap too.

Try Dare, it reframed it for me anyway.

Take care xxxxx

You need to think of it like this - I assume your phobia is a fear of him dying?? Don’t you think he would have the same fear for you? Thinking about ending things because of his potential illness is doubly cruel because you would add guilt to the fear he would feel for you.
You do need to think of ways to support your DH here, he must truly be frightened, and get some therapy for yourself. I think that’s the only thing that could help you with this.

How do you keep a firm grip @Rachie1973 ?

What do you do?

Could you go with him to his next appointment? So that you can ask some questions?