Older men and legal 'relationships' with teenage girls

[Bonnejournee]

I've changed my name for this one as my mum knows my user name. I don't really know why I'm posting, just want to get it off my chest.

When I was 16 I was involved with two separate men who were a lot older than me. I've mostly tried to forget about it, however last night I gave my 18 year old sister and some friends a lift from the station, and I realised the thought of even looking at her boyfriend in a sexual way makes me feel absolutely repulsed. I'm 25, and they just look like actual children - probably because they are. Today I've been feeling a bit low and decided to look these men up online to see how old they were at the time. One of them would have been 30 when were were involved, and the other 39...

At the time I had recently moved out, and worked with both these men. I lived on site at my work. Both of them flirted with me at work, but I just thought it was funny - I probably fancied them a bit. I had a chaotic home life and maybe found it a bit comforting - and I probably 'led them on'. At this point I'd never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a boy. Once I turned 16 I started a 'relationship' with one of these men (the 30 year old)but it had to be a secret, which I didn't understand at the time. He bought me things and I think i just thought i was cool. When he moved away, I had a one night stand with the older man (39), I was flirting with him, and he asked if I wanted to go back to his and I did. I was raped also by a colleague in between this, and I feel like while I shouldn't have flirted with him, i was very vulnerable.

I feel so much incredible shame over this, and I've feel ashamed and disgusted in myself ever since - I did definitely flirt, and I never said no at any point. What happened was perfectly legal, and so I've just put it out my mind for years. But seeing my sisters friends last night just made me feel like even if a 16 year old boy tried to flirt with me, I'd just brush them off, it's horrible, and I don't know how they thought it was ok? I know it was my 'fault' and there was no abuse, but I'm just having such conflicted thoughts about this - i feel there needs to be a law only allowing 16-18 year old to sleep with people 5 years older than them max.

I dont know what i hope to get from this, I know there was nothing illegal, and I know i led them both on, but it's just really disturbing me so I wondered if anyone else had a similar experience and could help me navigate how I should feel?

I think first and foremost, you need to stop feeling ashamed and disgusted with yourself. You were a vulnerable young woman who was taken advantage of. You did nothing wrong and while technically in the eyes of the law they didn’t either, they were the ones whose behaviour was bordering on predatory.
I would absolutely judge a nearly 40 year old sleeping with a teenager. Regardless of the gender of either party involved

As an aside, I don’t necessarily agree with your suggestion of changing the law the way you have described. But I would support increasing the age of consent to 18.

When I was 16

This is the crux of it.

At 16, you're not an adult, your brain hasn't formed fully and you're not grown. It's called grooming, and those people who had sex with you are pedophiles. Whether you say "I agreed" - you didn't.

Therapy, get some therapy. People will say it better than me but don't feel shame. The only reason for shame is you were put in a situation you shouldn't have been in, and that not your shame, it's the shame of those who should have protected you.

I hope you get better. You still seem very young and, although it’s hard to do, you shouldn’t these things ruin your mental health.

What a sad post and what a common experience. Hundreds, probably thousands, 9f MN users will have had similar. Please try to put your shame away. You were a vulnerable near-child as the sleazebags knew, that's why they target young people without the experience or confidence to see what they're doing. Some counselling might be helpful if you can obtain it. There is no shame in being an exploited child or young person. Please try to place any shame and blame where they belong. That's not with you. Best wishes.

None of this was your fault. You were vulnerable and these men took advantage of you. The Survivors Trust has a good helpline you might find useful.

You must know you didn’t lead them on. 16 year old girls do not lead 30 year old men on so please stop putting that out there. It comes across as disingenuous.

Ive been in the same position but certainly don’t view that I had any power to lead anyone on!

They were a pair of disgusting, horrible excuses for men and none of it was your fault.

The Shame should change sides! You are not to blame.

Just because it was legal does not mean it was ethical or appropriate.

Some workplaces now have rules about colleagues dating.

Not exactly banned but sometimes there are guidelines to protect everyone.

And if a man is in a position of power) responsibility then they can still get in trouble regardless of legal age eg, teachers social workers etc can't use their charges as a dating pool.

You did nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to explore further you could consider counselling.

I would agree on age of consent being raised to 18. I can’t imagine the police being interested in an 18 and 16 year old that are in a relationship having sex. It seems odd that (in England)?the legal age for other stuff including voting and smoking is 18.

I don’t agree with the 5 year rule. I can only see it being charged with rape, so that if there was not a conviction of rape there would be the lower charge. or worse just charge with the 5 years because rape is harder to prove.

Well, it is not as simple as saying when over 16 then legal.
Depending on what kind of working relationship you had with these men they could actually committed a crime by engaging sexually with you.

You have nothing to feel ashamed of.
This is a tale as old as time , its always been the same and really even in this 'woke' age its still sadly going to happen.
I'm a lot older than you and i was in a relationship aged 17 with a much older man ,he was a parents worse nightmare looking back.
I look at my beautiful fresh faced teenage daughter and the thought of a man who is well old enough to know better lusting over her absolutely repulses me.
Flirting is no excuse for a man to think its a green light to do as he pleases .
What's done is done ,its in the past ,you were vulnerable and were taken advantage of ,it was those men's fault not yours and they should be the ones to feel ashamed ,bet they don't though !
Go easy on yourself ,you were very young just learning about life, you absolutely did nothing wrong.

Oh OP this is very upsetting to read. Please, please don't feel ashamed because the shame isn't yours, it's theirs. You were a child. Please be kinder to yourself.

At 16, you're not an adult, your brain hasn't formed fully and you're not grown. It's called grooming, and those people who had sex with you are pedophiles. Whether you say "I agreed" - you didn't

They are not paedohiles.

I was in similar relationships at 16-19, sleeping with men in their 30s and a couple in their 40s. Now I’m 33 and it baffles me that these men thought it was ok!
Demi lovato has a song called ‘29’ and it summed up my feelings towards it all perfectly! Hope you’re ok! Its not your shame, it is theirs!!

I think this is pretty much common to a lot us girls when younger. I had quite a few experiences with older/married men trying it on on work nights out. I was naive and shocked that the managers I respected did this, the start of a long learning process about certain men.

I was shy and found it scary, others my age had relationships. Yes it was predatory, this was the 1980s, and more accepted.

"16 year old girls do not lead 30 year old men on"

I would disagree with that. Lots of 16yr old girls are just discovering the power of their sexuality, and think they are adults.

Older attractive
men are more glamorous and "dangerous" and grown up than the boys that are their own age.

It's down to the men to not get involved They are the ones old enough to know better and should ignore young girls who think they are all grown up and find Older men exciting.

of course they are.

Men want to convince themselves that if a female child has grown full size boobs, she must be grown woman. That is sick.

That's the problem though- I'm sure if I had just ignored them they'd have left me alone. There was no force, at any point i could have said I don't want to do this and left, but I didn't.

No one made me send them photos etc when they asked me to, I could have just ignored it, and I did with plenty of other men. No one made me sleep with them, it was entirely my decision.

I know full well that I was vulnerable, and probably just very lonely, i didnt have any family and friends around, but the blame for flirting with them and encouraging them is with me, which is why I'm finding it so difficult, because they didn't do anything wrong. I let them think I was interested, and in their shoes I'd have turned it down, but I did have 'power' in that I chose to ignore other men, and sleep with these particular men.

Thank you so much for the comments- I think I feel very conflicted.

They definitely were not pedophiles as suggested - I definitely looked like an adult woman at 16 in terms of my body, but did not have an adult woman brain!

It’s really unhelpful to continually expand the definition of “paedophile” way beyond what it actually means. These men are groomers and potentially sexual predators and what happened to OP was gross, but paedophilia is a sexual attraction to children. Not young adults.

You have no reason to feel shame.
I am speaking as someone who was sexually abused as a child and sexually assaulted as a young adult. I felt horrendous shame and felt it was my fault in both these situations. So to the PP who says saying you feel shame is disingenuous, actually I believe that you do.
I have been having counselling from a specialist rape / child sexual abuse counsellor and it has taken many months for me to even start to believe I wasn't to blame. But the starting point was in knowing that if the other person told me to keep it secret then they knew it was wrong.
I would really suggest getting some specialist counseling.

Op- you did nothing wrong. You were a vulnerable child. Please let go of the shame

@Dartmoorcheffy leading someone on takes an adult brain. You’re talking about a 16 year old girl having the upper hand on a grown adult male. Don’t confuse delusional and naive with having power. They’re not the same.

The 30 year old had a brief relationship with you, when you were 16. He bought you things and probably made you feel special. He groomed you. At 30, he knew having a sexual relationship, whilst not illegal, with a 16 year old, was ultimately wrong. Yes, you consented, meaning he didn't rape you. However, he groomed you over a period of time, ensuring that when the time came, you'd consent. The second man, again at 39, knowingly took full advantage of your age and vulnerability. Both are scum. What happened was not your fault. You were 16, and like most teenagers, didn't have the emotional maturity to cope and understand exactly what these men were doing. Please seek some counselling for yourself, to work through your feelings and emotions. At 25, you are now understanding and realising how vulnerable you were and the fact that what happened to you was very wrong.