Older men and legal 'relationships' with teenage girls

[Bonnejournee]

I've changed my name for this one as my mum knows my user name. I don't really know why I'm posting, just want to get it off my chest.

When I was 16 I was involved with two separate men who were a lot older than me. I've mostly tried to forget about it, however last night I gave my 18 year old sister and some friends a lift from the station, and I realised the thought of even looking at her boyfriend in a sexual way makes me feel absolutely repulsed. I'm 25, and they just look like actual children - probably because they are. Today I've been feeling a bit low and decided to look these men up online to see how old they were at the time. One of them would have been 30 when were were involved, and the other 39...

At the time I had recently moved out, and worked with both these men. I lived on site at my work. Both of them flirted with me at work, but I just thought it was funny - I probably fancied them a bit. I had a chaotic home life and maybe found it a bit comforting - and I probably 'led them on'. At this point I'd never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a boy. Once I turned 16 I started a 'relationship' with one of these men (the 30 year old)but it had to be a secret, which I didn't understand at the time. He bought me things and I think i just thought i was cool. When he moved away, I had a one night stand with the older man (39), I was flirting with him, and he asked if I wanted to go back to his and I did. I was raped also by a colleague in between this, and I feel like while I shouldn't have flirted with him, i was very vulnerable.

I feel so much incredible shame over this, and I've feel ashamed and disgusted in myself ever since - I did definitely flirt, and I never said no at any point. What happened was perfectly legal, and so I've just put it out my mind for years. But seeing my sisters friends last night just made me feel like even if a 16 year old boy tried to flirt with me, I'd just brush them off, it's horrible, and I don't know how they thought it was ok? I know it was my 'fault' and there was no abuse, but I'm just having such conflicted thoughts about this - i feel there needs to be a law only allowing 16-18 year old to sleep with people 5 years older than them max.

I dont know what i hope to get from this, I know there was nothing illegal, and I know i led them both on, but it's just really disturbing me so I wondered if anyone else had a similar experience and could help me navigate how I should feel?

You shouldn't feel any shame, but the men should.
My daughter & her friends went out to celebrate one of their 16th's birthday. Some of the girls were still 15. They went to what is classed as a family restaurant. They were hit on by middle 30 -40 year old men who were at the next table. Non of the girls look older than they are, dress modestly ( not that that should matter) The girls reported it to the staff at the restaurant, who were brilliant. The night was cut short & Dads were called to collect the girls. They felt uncomfortable staying.
Adult men should know better & have better morales. They would hate it if a man treated their daughter like they act!

OP, you weren’t ’leading them on’. 16 year olds camp often find their newfound sexual power kind of exciting and interesting and want to experiment with it. It’s up to the grown ups around them to show proper boundaries. You were taken advantage of. Imagine you’d been 13. 13 year olds will flirt with each other. Would you still think you’d ’led them on?’

This!
They are creeps but not paedophiles.
Paedophiles are attracted to prepubescent children.

You'd be happy if your 30 yr brother/son/husband/mate/work colleague had sex with aa 16yr old then?

You're a wrong un as well.

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do OP.

Ive only relatively recently realised I was sexually assaulted by my then boyfriend back in 1991. I was 18 and he was 18 months older than me - so not the same situation as you, granted. Thing is, I was too drunk to properly consent to the sexual act that happened.

He’d also realised he’d done wrong as next day he admitted that what happened was ‘silly.’ God knows why, but the relationship continued for another 7 years!

The activity may be wrong, potentially grooming and exploitation. It may not be legal as some previous posters have explained. That doesn’t mean the man is a paedophile. Not b ing a paedophile doesn’t make behaviour ok

The NSPCC has a definition and explanation of the reason it is important

Defining paedophilia
The tenth edition of the International Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders (ICD-10) classifies paedophilia as a sexual preference for children, usually of prepubertal or early pubertal age. The person diagnosed must be at least 16 years old and at least five years older than the child or children who are the focus of their sexual preference.2,3
A diagnosis of paedophilia can help with the treatment of people with this specific psychiatric disorder. However, the terms ‘paedophilia’ and ‘paedophile’ may prevent people from identifying they have a problem or seeking help to change their behaviour.4,5,6

This was not your fault. You did not lead them on. The fact the 30 year old made you keep it hidden shows he KNEW how wrong it was - and did it anyway.

They were old enough to know better and to know that they should have been protecting you from predators. Sadly, they were the predators.

And it seems that far, far too many men will happily go for borderline too young (legally) women and girls - and they do not feel even slightly bad about out this.

I'm so sorry about what happened to you, You did not cause it and you didn't deserve it.