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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset bf never told me he has hsv1

55 replies

Amaretty · 02/02/2025 18:48

So for context we have been together just shy of 2 months. Never mentioned anything about hsv1 but only when he broke out with an infection told me.

His excuse was that he thought everyone had it.

aibu to think we should disclose this to our partners?

OP posts:
Glorybox2025 · 02/02/2025 20:32

TMGM · 02/02/2025 20:23

It's very grim that you don't think genital herpes should be disclosed to a sexual partner prior to sex.

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lol, way to prove my point.

MsCactus · 02/02/2025 20:37

OP only one in three people who have coldsores actually show any symptoms! Most people are carriers - by the age of 40 apparently over 90% of people in the UK will carry it.

It's very, very common. Herpes is a lot less common and an STI so I'd expect someone to disclose that. Coldsores - no. I'd put money on you already carrying the virus.

Throughthebluebells · 02/02/2025 20:46

I find it strange that people have a different view of HSV1 vs HSV2. I would want to know if someone had either as they both require the sufferer to abstain during an outbreak. I think it is wrong to normalise it.

@MsCactus They are both Herpes viruses and can both cause genital herpes.

TMGM · 02/02/2025 20:48

Glorybox2025 · 02/02/2025 20:32

lol, way to prove my point.

Show quote history

I don't think so.

Bigbrommieowner · 02/02/2025 20:51

I get a cold sore every so often, stick some vaseline on it and it goes away. Not sure I've ever mentioned it to DH of 30 years...

Herpes tho, would go bonkers if someone didn't tell me as that's a STI.

eyeblob · 02/02/2025 20:53

I have had them from a child, got from a parent never passed it onto my husband/previous partners or children. I always said when has a sore no kissing etc.

overthinkersanonnymus · 02/02/2025 20:56

MsCactus · 02/02/2025 20:37

OP only one in three people who have coldsores actually show any symptoms! Most people are carriers - by the age of 40 apparently over 90% of people in the UK will carry it.

It's very, very common. Herpes is a lot less common and an STI so I'd expect someone to disclose that. Coldsores - no. I'd put money on you already carrying the virus.

A cold sore is herpes.

The majority of people who have outbreaks on their genitals is caused by HSV1 (the acceptable one, as long as it's on your face).

overthinkersanonnymus · 02/02/2025 20:57

Bigbrommieowner · 02/02/2025 20:51

I get a cold sore every so often, stick some vaseline on it and it goes away. Not sure I've ever mentioned it to DH of 30 years...

Herpes tho, would go bonkers if someone didn't tell me as that's a STI.

Hate to be the one to break it to you, but you have herpes. On your face.

Bigbrommieowner · 02/02/2025 20:59

overthinkersanonnymus · 02/02/2025 20:57

Hate to be the one to break it to you, but you have herpes. On your face.

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I know...but it's different and one is infinitely more serious than the other, for all sorts of reasons. Sigh...

Differences...

Glorybox2025 · 02/02/2025 21:11

Bigbrommieowner · 02/02/2025 20:59

I know...but it's different and one is infinitely more serious than the other, for all sorts of reasons. Sigh...

Differences...

Edited
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Mate, HSV1 can be on the face or the genitals. It's called herpes when it's on the genitals whether it's type one or two. You could easily have passed it to your DH's knob during oral sex at any time over the past 30 years. That would make it an STI 🙄

NotReallySure · 02/02/2025 21:27

Bigbrommieowner · 02/02/2025 20:51

I get a cold sore every so often, stick some vaseline on it and it goes away. Not sure I've ever mentioned it to DH of 30 years...

Herpes tho, would go bonkers if someone didn't tell me as that's a STI.

They're the same, herpes either way. And you can have either strain on your face or your genitals. Either will pass to whatever piece of skin it touches on another person. Neither is more serious one is just stigmatised.

lilytuckerpritchet · 02/02/2025 21:54

Amaretty · 02/02/2025 19:56

Thanks everyone.

I appreciate the feedback. I’ll cut him some slack.

Op I might be in the minority but I agree. You kiss him on the lips he should have told you about the infection early on so you could decide if this was a problem for you.

I've never been out with anyone who gets cold sores and I don't get them . I wouldn't want to risk catching them personally.

I find people who get them tend to be quite blasé about it though.

Poppyseeds79 · 02/02/2025 21:57

HSV-2 isn't exactly the same as HSV-1 I don't know why people think it is? Yes, both can be transferred on either area, but they prefer their own. HSV-2 effects around 10% of the UK vs 70% HSV-1. During the first few years of contracting HSV-2 it's much more easily spread, especially as the number of days the virus is shed with no visible signs of an outbreak is much higher.

People who are diagnosed should absolutely disclose it to their partners so they can make an informed choice, and take precautions around it. Antivirals can help during an outbreak, but passing it along knowingly to someone is horrific. Yes, absolutely people can have it for years without knowing and no outbreaks, but I'd be devastated to have it passed on to me by an aware partner who considered it 'no big deal'.

LondonLawyer · 02/02/2025 22:00

I had an outbreak of several cold sores when I was 14, never had another one since. Didn't occur to me to tell anyone I went out with, though, including DH (we met at uni). I wasn't aware I still "carried" the cold sore virus 30-odd years later, either!

MsCactus · 02/02/2025 22:12

overthinkersanonnymus · 02/02/2025 20:56

A cold sore is herpes.

The majority of people who have outbreaks on their genitals is caused by HSV1 (the acceptable one, as long as it's on your face).

Show quote history

It's very different if you have the herpes virus on the genitals Vs having it on the face. I'm aware they're caused by the same virus (one of two strains, HSV-2 being more serious) but herpes on the genitals is much more serious for a host of other reasons, and much less common.

MsCactus · 02/02/2025 22:16

Throughthebluebells · 02/02/2025 20:46

I find it strange that people have a different view of HSV1 vs HSV2. I would want to know if someone had either as they both require the sufferer to abstain during an outbreak. I think it is wrong to normalise it.

@MsCactus They are both Herpes viruses and can both cause genital herpes.

I know they're the same virus - there are much more serious complications from genital herpes tho, which I think another poster has linked above, and it's much much less common.

That's why people treat genitals herpes much more seriously.

Glorybox2025 · 03/02/2025 05:38

MsCactus · 02/02/2025 22:12

It's very different if you have the herpes virus on the genitals Vs having it on the face. I'm aware they're caused by the same virus (one of two strains, HSV-2 being more serious) but herpes on the genitals is much more serious for a host of other reasons, and much less common.

Show quote history

Having HSV1 on the genitals isn't more serious than having it on the face. The seriousness depends on whether it's strain 1 or 2. The location is irrelevant.

Glorybox2025 · 03/02/2025 05:38

MsCactus · 02/02/2025 22:16

I know they're the same virus - there are much more serious complications from genital herpes tho, which I think another poster has linked above, and it's much much less common.

That's why people treat genitals herpes much more seriously.

Show quote history

Only if it's type 2!!

Zanatdy · 03/02/2025 05:46

I really don’t think it’s something he should have disclosed no. It was herpes, yes, but does anyone sit their partner down at the start of a relationship to say they have the coldsore virus. I guess you mention it when it happens

Glorybox2025 · 03/02/2025 05:58

lilytuckerpritchet · 02/02/2025 21:54

Op I might be in the minority but I agree. You kiss him on the lips he should have told you about the infection early on so you could decide if this was a problem for you.

I've never been out with anyone who gets cold sores and I don't get them . I wouldn't want to risk catching them personally.

I find people who get them tend to be quite blasé about it though.

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Have you ever asked?? Most people who got the virus as kids stopped getting cold sores years ago, but they still carry the virus. I don't believe you've actually asked every person you've dated/kissed if they have ever had a cold sore in the past.

lilytuckerpritchet · 03/02/2025 06:11

@Glorybox2025 I never thought of it in my teens so yes the handful of people I snogged then I don't know.

I met my first dh at 18,he had never had them , we were together ten years.

I dated a couple of people after we split who I didn’t ask. Only went out with them2 or 3 times, I would have asked if it became a relationship.

Then I met my husband who doesn't get them.

In my immediate circle of about twenty people, 5 get cold sores. (But none of my blood related family) I was quite surprised to read on here it's as high as 70% of people who get them nationally .

Glorybox2025 · 03/02/2025 06:15

At least half the people who carry the virus never get a symptom so they wouldn't know. So you've almost certainly been exposed to it and could be a carrier yourself 🤷🏼‍♀️

Agix · 03/02/2025 06:25

I just assume everyone gets coldsores. They're very common. I'm well aware that there are some people that dont, but they're the minority. Most people get it as children.

It's been about 20+ years since I had a coldsore, I'd have been a teenager I think, and don't think I've ever mentioned it to my partner. Not due to hiding it, but because I wouldn't have thought to. I'll tell him when he wakes up, and I bet money that he - like most people - will be like "yeah, and?". Because the majority of the population carry this form of herpes virus.

Most people are asymptomatic, but can still spread it due to shedding (apparently). Wonder how many people freaking out about it actually already have it! I bet a good few.

Agix · 03/02/2025 06:28

lilytuckerpritchet · 03/02/2025 06:11

@Glorybox2025 I never thought of it in my teens so yes the handful of people I snogged then I don't know.

I met my first dh at 18,he had never had them , we were together ten years.

I dated a couple of people after we split who I didn’t ask. Only went out with them2 or 3 times, I would have asked if it became a relationship.

Then I met my husband who doesn't get them.

In my immediate circle of about twenty people, 5 get cold sores. (But none of my blood related family) I was quite surprised to read on here it's as high as 70% of people who get them nationally .

Not seeing your partner get coldsores doesn't mean they don't have it. Not getting coldsores yourself doesn't mean you don't have herpes, to be honest.

As I mentioned in previous post, last one I had I was a teenager - and I think I've only ever had 2 or 3 in my life. So I definitely carry the virus, just haven't had an outbreak in a very long time.

I bet a lot of people are similar, considering how common they are.

lilytuckerpritchet · 03/02/2025 06:35

@Agix I've never had one, neither have my parents or my sister , my children have never had one. I have discussed it with dh and previously with exdh and neither of them have ever had one.

I don't know if there is a possibility of having the virus and never being symptomatic. But if that's true then yes some people could have it and never know.

It is a virus you can try to avoid catching if people are upfront about it.