To think that I'm abnormal to feel this way?

[feedmefudge]

I'm 50 and probably menopausal. Today I feel sad, tired, annoyed, overwhelmed, disappointed, the whole shebang!
I wonder if anyone can relate to what I am about to say.
There was a thread on here yesterday - I can't seem to find it now - along the lines of 'would you have kids if you could have your time again?' It has really made me think and I concluded that my reply was a yes AND no.
You see, my feeling on life is that some phases simply last far too long. I have teenage daughters at home and I am just ready to get my life back. I want to come home to an empty house. Does that sound awful? They are lovely and I adore them but my God, the selfishness. This leads me to feel disappointed and resentful, and I just don't like it. My 18 year old has just told me that I'm always in victim mode. Well, I really, really try not to be.
The ex husband phase: again, just too long. I can't wait for a day where I never have to clap eyes on the man again.
The work phase: actually, it's not too bad. Sometimes it even feels like a break from home! It will be a long phase out of financial necessity though, like most of us.
The pet phase: I LOVE my dog so much and he has a great life. He's nearly 10 years old now and again, I just feel over it. I'm quite looking forward to a day where I won't have to walk him, feed him, pay for the groomer and insurance, etc etc etc. I shall be inconsolable when he passes though, so I don't even know why I'm having these thoughts. I just know that I don't want to own any more pets.
I fucking just don't want to adult anymore. 'Responsibility to me is a tragedy' The different stages all last too long. My parents left the nest at 17, me at 21, but it feels like I'm going to be leant on forever. I kinda know that parenting is like that, but still.
I'm sitting here crying like a weirdo, so please be kind.
Thanks for reading. I have no idea if anyone will be able to understand or relate!

I also spent ages on live chat on the EasyJet app today, and it damned near finished me off
I definitely feel more overwhelmed and stressy than I used to.

<hugs> OP. You sound overwhelmed and under pressure.

What do you want to do, look forward to, enjoy in the future?

Thank you. I'd like to be alone and seek out company when I want it.
I'd like to travel more.

But not just a holiday, if that makes sense, as I don't want to come home to the crap. So a holiday with coming home to an empty space

You are perfectly normal. I love my children beyond words but I am enjoying living alone now that I've divorced their knob head father. When they come home I'm very happy to cook, wash their clothes, give them lifts etc but I enjoy eating what I want when I want, not having to cook, and just being a bit selfish. Miss them loads though.

I’m feeling that way about pets as well. Recently went on holiday for two weeks and coming home to constant hair all over my clothes again, after not having to deal with it or think about it, is really doing me in. I love them dearly but I’m over the constant mess. I too will be grief stricken when they pass, likely guilt stricken as well for feeling like this now.

I remember about 10 years ago I was stood watching my 5 yo twins playing with DH's 50-something cousin's elderly dog. Cousin has a large family and also caring responsibilitiesfor parents and a sibling. She was looking at the kids and the dog lovingly and the she said "when he dies I can finally get a new carpet" and now I'm nearly 50 and I slowly get where she is coming from. My kids are teenagers now and I can feel that slowly they need us less and less but it feels like it can't go fast enough, some days. I'll miss them so much when they move out and I look back in all the times we've had together with so much happiness... but I am exhausted and absolutely desperate to have some time off, and not just a bit of bullshit "me time" - I'm kind of ready for all my time to belong to me again.

Oh god I can so remember feeling like I was fucking fed up of looking after all 2 and 4 legged things. It passes op. It’s a phase of life/menopause and it does pass. All of that just wanting to run away thing does fade. I remember thinking of hearing the stat of how many divorces are instigated by 50 something women. I’m not surprised. We reach our limit at that time of life and are done with it. Encourage your kids to fledge the nest as soon as is possible.

Don't do anything rash atm but do drop as much as you can to put yourself first.

Now is the time for you. You’ve looked after ever else for years. It’s time for you.

OP I think we all get that feeling of 'Stop the bus, I want to get off' at times. Being an adult and dealing with all the responsibilities it brings each day IS hard! However, how old are your teenagers? Do they help around the house, if not, then tell them they either contribute or you'll stop the internet, stop paying for phones, etc., depending on what you currently do for them?

Also, if you're menopausal, have you discussed how you're feeling with your GP? If not, then I suggest you do. You sound somewhat depressed, I have suffered with depression for most of my life, and have been on and off anti-depressants throughout my adult years. Only days after my 50th birthday, I could feel myself sinking into a huge dip, so went to the GP, who put me straight back on the antidepressants, and I've been on them ever since (now 65). You may find that something as simple as popping just one pill a day, can make a HUGE difference. I know it does for me!

Oh, I hear you!

I try to get things into perspective by looking at my 88 yo DM who would love more to do, and have more people to interact with. But for now, I just wish everyone would fuck off and and not need me to deal
with them. And that includes the cat.

My children are under 10 and I already feel this way. Most days.
I love them deeply - but if I'd known what I know now this isn't the life path I'd have chosen. This is mainly things I've learned about myself I think. I crave solitude and mental space far more than a realised. I am an extrovert so didn't realise how much the space I had before children allowed that side of me to flourish. Now I often feel that I'd be happier living alone. If my DH died or left me I would never seek another relationship. I couldn't stand it - I can't bear to be so badly needed.
Having said that of course I do not regret my actual children. Life without them would feel thin now I know them. But yes, I am very much looking forward to late adulthood.
I'm in my earlier 40s now and I'm actively looking forward to my sixties. Which feels weird to admit.

Thanks everyone. You're lovely.

I think I'm really feeling it today because I do a fair bit for my 18 year old. Today she needed to do something for me, and she let me down. She attempted to do it but fucked it because of her appalling time management.
Just one thing I asked of her. It would just be nice if someone made my life easier. I spend my life helping others, including in my professional life, and I'm now not sure what the point was!

I think it’s probably normal. For what it’s worth, I have no relationship with my mother, haven’t seen or heard from her in 7 years. She’s fine, apparently, she just doesn’t really have any interest in being a mother. As a result she has missed most of our DC life. She certainly felt she “did her bit” and dropped interest as soon as we were old enough. You don’t sound like that, you just sound a bit worn out. I get what you mean about pets too. It’s such a commitment. All of it. Bring an adult and a parent. Relentless. It sounds like you are there for everyone in your life that needs you. Whether they appreciate it or not. You are normal.

I hear you

In fact, I hear everyone on here. I loved the bit about 'not bullshit 'me' time. I want all the time'. 👌

Ive got an empty nest and feel really lonely, ive just cried for ages in the loo, dh wouldn't notice unless i appeared in a football strip.

I dont think we can win at this age, we miss them when they go and get driven mad when they're here.

Children can be very selfish, more so these days? When DD goes to her nans I clean and tidy and just enjoy clean, quiet house. Of course I miss her but good grief the chaos that ensues.
(DH works away around two nights a week).

My lovely dog is almost 14, he’s struggling a bit, costs me about £400 ish a month give or take and he’s had two operations. I probably will get another when he passes on. He’s so good though, I’m not 100%.

DM is 83, bad mobility. I spend most weekends doing things for her or taking her out.

There’s no time for me. If I want a night out I feel like I have to plan it with military precision. Inform all parties of my intentions and timings. Then I feel terribly guilty for thinking arghghghhhh! Leave me alone!!!!!! I vent to friends! and here lol

It's normal. I feel it quite often. I have moments, very brief moments, where I wish I could do it all again, but more often than not I look forward to being free of the responsibility.

I, too, spent my professional life helping others. Now widowed, and with my son, daughter in law, and their three teenage children living four hundred miles away, my best friends are my cat and my horse.

When my son was a teenager, I encouraged him to get a part-time job, which he did. He then joined the British Army and served in several hot spots. Now, he has his Army pension and also works long hours with children and adolescents with challenging behaviour.
My animals are now my companions and have the best of everything and, between them, eat up my LA professional pension and a good chunk of my OAP pension.

I live in a remote rural location. The neighbours all have family nearby. Currently, my cat is sprawled on my bed, next to me. I feel comforted and safe with him there.
If someone breaks in, or knocks on the door, I have legal ways and means of getting then gone. I was taught Tai Chi and judo and have a long pole to help them on their merry way!

And then she said you were in victim mode? No wonder that upset you. I'd say something quite cool, such as, "that was a deeply unpleasant thing to say, DD, and it looks like you attempting to deflect your own failure to do X thing, which you'd specifically agreed to do." Next time she asks you to do something (she's a teenager, you're her Mum, it won't be long....) say something like, "no, I'm moving out of victim mode by myself by declining to act as a support human."

Excellent advice @LondonLawyer

I hear you OP; my kids are only 8 and 11 and we're getting a hint of things to come with the eldest. I do often wonder about my life choices. Of course I love them with all my being but jeez it's quite evident they don't think I have feelings sometimes.

I hear you OP.

I feel so tired of absolutely everything.

I'm not depressed, just sick of all the shit.

Yes, I get this too, sometimes. It hit with force during the covid lockdowns, as did perimenopause. There was a beautiful, tiny log cabin type home in the woods on Rightmove and I looked at it every day, fantasising about the quiet life I would live, the food I would eat, the books I would read. I reckon in about eight years when the kids are independent and the dog has died it might be possible. In the meantime I have made a commitment to myself not to take on any more responsibilities (as much as I can control that, at least). No more pets, and a lot of telling my DC not to impregnate anyone!

God. I’m 43 and my youngest is only 7, but I’m starting to feel like this!! I’m glad it’s not just me, although I have loads of parenting still to do!! 😭 😆

I hear you, and you are absolutely normal and definitely not alone in thinking this

Goals!!