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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say I can’t believe he has missed another arranged call (long distance)?

64 replies

Carswell · 02/02/2025 16:11

My long distance boyfriend has a habit of missing our arranged times to talk. Because he studies he prefers to block off the time and talk at a specific time than call whenever.

I would say this happens half of the time we’re due to talk. So this morning we decided we’d talk at 4pm. He’s not online and he hasn’t called.

in the last week I’ve also suffered a bereavement. I’ve been looking forward to it and I find it unbelievably rude.

other than this he visits regularly and has been in touch every day by messaging to offer support. But this makes me feel so disrespected. I think he might have undiagnosed ADHD but I don’t think it’s an excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carswell · 02/02/2025 17:43

he phoned back nearly half an hour later and spoke for over an hour.

He apologised and said ‘I really should put that alarm on.’ So why not do it then?

this is the worst of his bad qualities so I may just need to put up with it, but god I find it so rude.

OP posts:
Spurber · 02/02/2025 17:44

He's shagging someone else

Soontobe60 · 02/02/2025 17:47

Carswell · 02/02/2025 17:43

he phoned back nearly half an hour later and spoke for over an hour.

He apologised and said ‘I really should put that alarm on.’ So why not do it then?

this is the worst of his bad qualities so I may just need to put up with it, but god I find it so rude.

He totally isn't the one for you I'm afraid. You’re at the bottom of his priority list. Get rid and have some self respect!

Wonderi · 02/02/2025 17:50

Is he doing a phd?

I’ve known anyone to miss phone calls because they’re studying.

Once or even twice I would forgive but sorry to say he just sounds like he isn’t that in to you.

If I knew I had an appointment I would be keeping an eye on the clock.

Why not arrange a time when he’s not studying?

PreciousRighteousTeacher · 02/02/2025 17:51

@bluefluffster oh flipping heck surely not her again! She never listens to a single thing that any poster suggests to her.

Original poster
Carswell · 02/02/2025 17:52

The thing is that when we are together I get all his concentrated attention. We see each other every couple of weeks for up to a week each time.

he said he got immersed in work, looked at the clock and it was 3.50pm then the next time he looked he was late! He said does that not happen to you, I said it doesn’t where you’re concerned.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 02/02/2025 17:53

Carswell · 02/02/2025 17:43

he phoned back nearly half an hour later and spoke for over an hour.

He apologised and said ‘I really should put that alarm on.’ So why not do it then?

this is the worst of his bad qualities so I may just need to put up with it, but god I find it so rude.

No, you don't just need to put up with it. You choose to or to walk away. He's not the only man in the world should you think you need one.

Wonderi · 02/02/2025 18:05

Carswell · 02/02/2025 17:52

The thing is that when we are together I get all his concentrated attention. We see each other every couple of weeks for up to a week each time.

he said he got immersed in work, looked at the clock and it was 3.50pm then the next time he looked he was late! He said does that not happen to you, I said it doesn’t where you’re concerned.

Sorry OP but that’s even more BS.

He checked the time and it was 10mins before he was supposed to ring you.

There’s no way he would have thought he’d squeeze in 10mins of studying before ringing.

Original poster
Carswell · 02/02/2025 18:08

I find it odd too. I stopped what I was doing at 3.40pm so there was no way I’d miss it.

he then was talking about how he plans to make a three course meal for Valentine’s Day. He’s good at talking himself out of a hole. I’d rather just have the on time call!

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 02/02/2025 18:08

Why on earth do you need to put up with behaviour that you find rude?

Goodadvice1980 · 02/02/2025 18:10

Here we go again …..

OP you never take any advice offered so why keep posting about this guy! He clearly isn’t on the same page as you with regards to a relationship.

babasaclover · 02/02/2025 18:10

Sounds like he switches his phone off when he's with his wife. No one in 2025 switches their phone off like this if you are their actual partner. Get rid

2025willbemytime · 02/02/2025 18:11

He's good at talking himself out of a hole as you fall for it..

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/02/2025 18:13

Carswell · 02/02/2025 18:08

I find it odd too. I stopped what I was doing at 3.40pm so there was no way I’d miss it.

he then was talking about how he plans to make a three course meal for Valentine’s Day. He’s good at talking himself out of a hole. I’d rather just have the on time call!

Well, yes, of course he can do the cooking thing - it sounds as though you're going to be with him so he's going to get a shag out of it.

Actually being reliably around for you emotionally outside of those occasions where he isn't going to personally benefit from it (or is already benefiting from the attentions of somebody living far closer to him)? No chance.

Original poster
Carswell · 02/02/2025 18:15

Well you tell me - the relationship is good in every other way.

except 50% of the time he fails to phone on time. Is it worth leaving over this?

He doesn’t have a wife and when I’m with him he doesn’t have his phone on either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carswell · 02/02/2025 18:16

@NeverDropYourMooncup he has been there for me every day since a bereavement last weekend. He did call when he heard the news.

but then the other half of the time he does this. And that’s why I’m left deciding how important it is.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 02/02/2025 18:18

He's pinging back and forth as if he was awful all the time I'd hope you'd leave. So nice to keep you sweet then awful to unsettle you before he sweeps in with the offer of a three course meal. Which I doubt you'll get.

Fidgety31 · 02/02/2025 18:20

Carswell · 02/02/2025 18:15

Well you tell me - the relationship is good in every other way.

except 50% of the time he fails to phone on time. Is it worth leaving over this?

He doesn’t have a wife and when I’m with him he doesn’t have his phone on either.

Not having his phone on when he’s with you would worry me !
Is he switching it off so his other girlfriend can’t get hold of him ! This is exactly what an ex of mine used to do ! Would always switch his phone off when with me or her - to stop the other interrupting and having to explain what he was doing etc ! But he used to excuse it by saying he didn’t want any one disturbing our time ! Oh I was such a fool !

ExpensiveBiscuits · 02/02/2025 18:21

As you are a psychiatrist, why do you think he is doing this @Carswell

I'm not a psychiatrist, so I don't know if he has "undiagnosed ADHD" or not, any more than I know if he has an undiagnosed enlarged prostrate.

However, form my lowly position I would be telling him to sling his hook and so should you. If you accept shitty behaviour from someone who knows-because you told them-upsets you, then he doesn't give a pig's flea about you.

He won't be thinking of you with love and affection . He'll be thinking that you don't think much of yourself, so why should he.

If he met a woman he adored, who he was frightened might tell him to bugger off, do you think he would continue with behaviour that hurt her? The answer to that is, no he wouldn't.

Don't put up with it. It doesn't matter if he is the best looking man in the world, has the biggest dick in the world, is the cleverest man in the world. if he doesn't think highly of you, then it all counts for nothing.

That's my advice Don't give your love to someone who doesn't think he has to return it..

Original poster
Carswell · 02/02/2025 18:25

@ExpensiveBiscuits i do think he thinks highly of me. When we are together I always feel respect and adored. More so than any other relationship.

He will contact me every morning and evening my message and has done since they day we met.

but phone calls are an issue. I agree that I shouldn’t have to put up with disrespectful behaviour and it does matter.

OP posts:
WinWhenTheyreSinging · 02/02/2025 18:27

when I’m with him he doesn’t have his phone on either

He really doesn't want his lives/women crossing over, does he ... ?

verycloakanddaggers · 02/02/2025 18:28

Carswell · 02/02/2025 18:15

Well you tell me - the relationship is good in every other way.

except 50% of the time he fails to phone on time. Is it worth leaving over this?

He doesn’t have a wife and when I’m with him he doesn’t have his phone on either.

It is OK for this to be a dealbreaker for you.

TwistedWonder · 02/02/2025 18:36

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 02/02/2025 18:27

when I’m with him he doesn’t have his phone on either

He really doesn't want his lives/women crossing over, does he ... ?

That was my first thought. Bet he tells his other gf the same story when he doesnt answer her calls

Astrak · 02/02/2025 18:39

This sort of behaviour would definitely be a deal breaker for me. Hanging around waiting for him to ring? I'd rather read a book!

ExpensiveBiscuits · 02/02/2025 18:40

Carswell · 02/02/2025 18:25

@ExpensiveBiscuits i do think he thinks highly of me. When we are together I always feel respect and adored. More so than any other relationship.

He will contact me every morning and evening my message and has done since they day we met.

but phone calls are an issue. I agree that I shouldn’t have to put up with disrespectful behaviour and it does matter.

Edited

But you don't have to put up with disrespectful behaviour-you are choosing to accept disrespectful behaviour.

You have told him how it makes you feel, he hasn't changed his disrespectful behaviour and now he knows that even though you might moan about it, you will accept it.

You will have him at any price but, as a Wise Woman of the Woods, I can tell you right now, that when he meets someone he doesn't want to disrespect, he won't disrespect them.

Just as you are choosing to accept shitty behaviour, he is choosing to give you shitty behaviour. If you're happy with that, then no-one can dissuade you.

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