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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sibling ringing out of the blue

38 replies

bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:07

i am no contact with some of my siblings. and low contact with one. last i heard from the low contact one was christmas eve when she sent some mundane message on whats app. I replied politely and asked how everyone was with no response?

today out of the blue she sends a message saying; are you at work? my reply was; no, whats up? (i know she only contacts me when she needs or wants something thats why i have gone low contact).

so the she rings me, which she never does to inform me that my sibling who i have not seen, heard or spoken too in over 15 years has been in hospital since before christmas, and that she's been put on pallative care! she's sobbing down the phone to me that she may have hours, days, weeks or months to live.

she says it would be nice if i went to my sisters bedside to say my goodbyes? AIBU by at the moment having no emotional feelings about this news? this person chose to dump me out of their lives 15 years ago? they themselves have not asked for me, but its assumed i will do my 'duty' and go sit at her bedside?

OP posts:
Jc2001 · 02/02/2025 16:12

Difficult one. I suppose it's easier to regret seeing them then regretting not seeing them.

For me it would depend on where they are and how much effort it would be to go and see them.

MrsJHernandez · 02/02/2025 16:12

If you don't want to go, then don't. Especially if you have no feelings about the news.

If you later decide you'd like to go, then you can.

Can you live with never making up with your sister or saying goodbye?

romdowa · 02/02/2025 16:14

Yadnbu op, my estranged mother died last week and while I was initially shocked that it was so sudden. I felt very little but anger at how my family treated me over the course of the week. I chose not to go to the removal/ funeral because I'd done my grieving years before.
You are not required to do anything that you don't want to do.

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:18

MrsJHernandez · 02/02/2025 16:12

If you don't want to go, then don't. Especially if you have no feelings about the news.

If you later decide you'd like to go, then you can.

Can you live with never making up with your sister or saying goodbye?

i couldn't make up with her even if i wanted too, i've known for years about her health (details passed on by lc sibling) and she has been unable to communicate for many years and has altziemers/dementia so wouldn't know me anyway?

i cried my tears 15 years ago over the relationship. she will have zero clue if i sat by her bedside.

OP posts:
Kahless · 02/02/2025 16:21

I was estranged from my father, and if I had known he was dying before he died, I would not have gone to see him.

I had already grieved the parent I should have had, and he wasn't him.

heldinadream · 02/02/2025 16:25

You don't have to go. I'm estranged from all of my family, 2 of my sisters have now died without me seeing them beforehand. I have no regrets. There would have been nothing in it for either them, other family, or me.
Do what's congruent with your feelings about what's right given whatever the nuances of your family relationships are.
Best wishes @bemusedsibling Flowers

ThinWomansBrain · 02/02/2025 16:28

If someone contacted me to say NC brother was dying, I'd be cracking open the champagne - I certainly wouldn't be visiting or listening to low contact relative's grief.

People are odd though - there was a post a few weeks ago from someone that had gone NC with her family, her decision, but saying they were unreasonable not to have contacted her when someone died or a funeral invite or something.

FoxtonFoxton · 02/02/2025 16:29

Kahless · 02/02/2025 16:21

I was estranged from my father, and if I had known he was dying before he died, I would not have gone to see him.

I had already grieved the parent I should have had, and he wasn't him.

My DH felt exactly the same when his father died. They had been NC for years after a very nasty split and when his dad requested DH come and see him in hospice, DH refused. He had grieved the father he had long before and had nothing else to say.

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:33

ThinWomansBrain · 02/02/2025 16:28

If someone contacted me to say NC brother was dying, I'd be cracking open the champagne - I certainly wouldn't be visiting or listening to low contact relative's grief.

People are odd though - there was a post a few weeks ago from someone that had gone NC with her family, her decision, but saying they were unreasonable not to have contacted her when someone died or a funeral invite or something.

i did appreciate being told, and i did tell my sister to keep me informed. when she asked me to go to the hospital because it would be nice, to see my sister i did ask her if the husband had asked for me to be there? if he asks me to go, then i would consider it, but i am not going just because it would be nice? nice for who?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 02/02/2025 16:37

I guess nice for the LC sister?
some people have an obsession with playing happy families, with little or no regard for the feelings of others, or consideration that their idealised deathbed fantasy reunion is not going to happen.

Bodeganights · 02/02/2025 16:42

My birth father died last year, I was invited to his funeral but like many, I already mourned 30 years ago for the parent I needed. He was never that parent and I had no reason to go. So I didn't and I don't regret that.

If you think itll be better to see your sister, go, if you dont and wont care, dont go.

TishHope · 02/02/2025 16:46

I occasionally wonder if my NC brother will contact me years hence when he is dying and realising he was a cunt to me. But I don't think it's going to happen. I like to think that I wouldn't feel any pity for him, the little git.

Ella31 · 02/02/2025 16:47

ThinWomansBrain · 02/02/2025 16:28

If someone contacted me to say NC brother was dying, I'd be cracking open the champagne - I certainly wouldn't be visiting or listening to low contact relative's grief.

People are odd though - there was a post a few weeks ago from someone that had gone NC with her family, her decision, but saying they were unreasonable not to have contacted her when someone died or a funeral invite or something.

I think you need to appreciate though that not everyone who has gone nc or lc feelings are as black and white as yours. People can still feel conflicted about their choice and that's not fair for you to label them as weird. Someone people might find your reaction to if your brother died as odd.

BreezySqueazy · 02/02/2025 16:50

bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 16:18

i couldn't make up with her even if i wanted too, i've known for years about her health (details passed on by lc sibling) and she has been unable to communicate for many years and has altziemers/dementia so wouldn't know me anyway?

i cried my tears 15 years ago over the relationship. she will have zero clue if i sat by her bedside.

Show quote history

Under these circumstances I wouldn’t go.
There is nothing to be gained for either of you, and for you it could end up opening old wounds.

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 02/02/2025 16:58

I would follow your heart. Sounds like the sibling who phoned (another one you've barely been in contact with) needs to vent.
You haven't seen the ill sibling for years and so you're totally out of context with the situation. You haven't been around to see the build-up to their illness and everything else that's been going on in their life. So if you show up to their bedside now, I think it will be a very strange and surreal experience for you. You cut this sibling out of your life for a reason. Probably best to keep going with this. Don't let the other sibling guilt-trip or influence you. You didn't choose your family.

TanginaBarrons · 02/02/2025 17:08

I can see why you don't want to go and that is fine. Does her dementia have something to do with the relationship breakdown? If so I guess it puts a slightly different slant on it as we know it can cause personality changes. 15 years would be within the ballpark for those changes.

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/02/2025 17:22

It is obviously going to make no difference to your sister if you go to see her. If it will improve your relationship with other family that might be a reason to go but you don't have to just to make your LC sister feel better that she's tried to enable a 'reunion'. You have thanked her for keeping you updated.

AliceMcK · 02/02/2025 17:28

I wouldn’t go to my NC siblings bedside just to make LC sibling happy, I doubt my LC sibling would ask, but I’d say no. NC sibling has made their feelings perfectly clear over the years.

Dont let any one guilt you into anything. I’ve had lots of “ but what if something happened to them” comments about NC sibling and parent, my response is well something will happen eventually to us all, I have nothing I need closure on so I’m ok with not ever seeing them again.

Wonderi · 02/02/2025 18:00

I think it was nice of her to tell you.

She obviously can’t fathom why anyone would not want to see their sibling in the hospital which is why she needed to tell you (for her own benefit, just as much if not more than yours).

But it’s ok to not go and visit someone if you don’t want to.

I know people who refuse to visit loved ones that they are close to, let alone ones they’re not.

If you don’t want to go, then that’s absolutely your choice and you shouldn’t feel guilty.

Likewhatever · 02/02/2025 18:02

If your sibling won’t know you then there’s no point in your being there.

Gymnopedie · 02/02/2025 18:25

Your sister dumped you. If it had been the other way round and you'd done the dumping then maybe it would be time to do a bit of soul searching. But it wasn't.
Presumably she hasn't had dementia for all of those 15 years but she never tried to build bridges when she could.

So no I don't think you have to go at all. She wouldn't know you but I would think the same if she did. It can't harm your relationships with your family, they already are what they are.

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 18:26

TanginaBarrons · 02/02/2025 17:08

I can see why you don't want to go and that is fine. Does her dementia have something to do with the relationship breakdown? If so I guess it puts a slightly different slant on it as we know it can cause personality changes. 15 years would be within the ballpark for those changes.

no, the relationship breakdown happened when she was perfectly fit and well. There is obviously a massive back story to our family which i won't be sharing, but i ended up having to go nc to protect myself and my own family.

OP posts:
Twiggywinkle13 · 02/02/2025 18:31

It would be nice for who? I certainly don’t think it would be nice for you. Don’t be pressurised to go.

Original poster
bemusedsibling · 02/02/2025 18:34

im pretty much damned if i do, damned if i don't! my DH has just made a very good point; my family will talk about me if i do go, they will talk about me if i don't!

im going to send a note to my BIL, offer kind words and pass on my mobile number and if he wants to get in touch he can as i doubt either him or my sister would have it after all this time. I'm not going to go through the lc sibling passing messages back and forth and we shall take each step of this journey one step at a time.

OP posts:
Creamcak · 02/02/2025 18:36

I imagine you might be in shock. take care