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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I doing sex wrong?!?

45 replies

Lightbulbs · 02/02/2025 08:23

I've had a problem that has plagued me since I was 20 years old and I'm beginning to think I'm doing something wrong.

More often than not, I get cystitis after sex. My husband and I always have a shower before, I go for a wee afterwards and I wash afterwards. It's so miserable that I go through all these steps, yet I still get it. I don't want to have sex anymore because of the fuss... and then waking up to pain. Between Bupa and Boots online I've got a whole system in place to get antibiotics. I drink water... the sachets etc.

I did go to a doctor about it in my early 20's, they put a camera in to investigate and all was fine.

I do like my clit being played with and I wonder if it's that area that gets irritated. I don't want to have sex anymore and I'm now nearly 40. Am I doing sex wrong??!?

OP posts:
nellythe · 02/02/2025 09:27

I’m not sure if the cause could be the same or not but I’ve had VB lots of times if I’ve had a shower or bath with scented/soap body wash. Sex after using this would increase my odds as I think it must almost push it deeper. I’ve completely stopped since using soap & scent free PH balanced body wash.
Sorry if this isn’t the same thing!

GoldMoon · 02/02/2025 09:29

Are you using lube as well ?

Catza · 02/02/2025 09:30

Pretty unlikely to be related to your clit. Are you using lubrication? If not, I would give it a go.

Suzuki76 · 02/02/2025 09:32

Lubricant and avoid sex from behind as that's more likely to push bacteria in from your bum. Pleasant, I know!

Ifellgretta · 02/02/2025 09:32

The only thing I do is to have a pee after sex - the only time I didn't (fell asleep!) I had cystitis.

If I've had a shower that morning, I won't wash again before sex, and I'll just shower in the morning rather than right after.

It's caused by bacteria getting into your bladder- so I wonder if you're...heavy handed with washing? You should never douche, for example.

ExtraOnions · 02/02/2025 09:33

What has your GP said ?

Thomasina79 · 02/02/2025 09:34

Perhaps consider a referral to Urogynae at the hospital? Possibly irritable bladder syndrome? In any case the team at the hospital might have some suggestions.

cherryade8 · 02/02/2025 09:36

Is your partner too 'large'? I found that was the cause, i think it is too much friction. Tried lots of things but ultimately we split up, anytime we had sex I'd get cystitis, it wasn't pleasant. Never had the issue since being with someone new.

Wibble128 · 02/02/2025 09:41

The soap before and after is the cause

ChunkyChips16 · 02/02/2025 09:48

Not an expert, but my friend was having a similar issue and when she got a new partner the problem stopped happening. It made her wonder if maybe her previous partner wasn’t cleaning properly down there and causing her the infections. Might be worth looking into?

IridescentRainbow · 02/02/2025 09:51

You are washing, but is he washing ( even just his hands?)

Kaisawheel · 02/02/2025 09:54

You’re doing all the right things- continue doing what you’re doing, but make sure to use sensitive unscented soap and I also take cranberry tablets everyday?

OnyourbarksGSG · 02/02/2025 09:57

Have you tried regular unsweetened cranberry juice?

LoafofSellotape · 02/02/2025 09:57

Lube?

Fawn87 · 02/02/2025 10:01

Are you getting lubricated enough, either naturally or with a lube? Does he go too long and make you sore?

heroinechic · 02/02/2025 10:04

Have you tried your DH wearing a condom? It might be a reaction to semen so could be worth a try. I know they aren't well liked by men but he'd probably rather sex with a condom than no sex at all, and if you still end up with cystitis you can rule out it being anything to do with him.

ilikemethewayiam · 02/02/2025 10:14

I had this problem for 20 past years with my ex-husband. I had cystitis every time we had sex and I had all the issues you’ve had with getting treated. I eventually went off sex because of the hassle which caused all sorts of other issues in our marriage. We eventually split and I met and married someone else. I have never had a problem since, even when dating in between. When I spoke to my GP about it he said sometimes it’s just one person’s bacteria that is the issue. He believe I may have just reacted solely to my ex-husband‘s specific bacteria. I don’t really know what to advise. OP you appear to have tried everything that I tried.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 02/02/2025 10:32

Doesn't sound like you're doing it wrong. I would push back to gp

Loloj · 02/02/2025 10:37

I’ve had this problem in past relationships. One person in particular I would get a UTI every time we had sex.

With my husband now I never get UTI’s and we have sex frequently.

I think some people harbour certain bacteria on their skin that can be pushed up the urethra during sex - it doesn’t necessarily mean your husband is dirty as we all harbour different bacteria naturally. However, I would ask him to wash with an antibacterial soap / or hibiscrub before you have sex - especially his genital area.

Alternatively you could ask your doctor for an antibiotic that you take just after having sex (on repeat prescription). It’s not ideal but that’s what I was prescribed at one point and was told better to do that than wait for UTI to take hold and have to take antibiotics anyway. Just one tablet straight after sex - this did work for me.

Chipsahoy · 02/02/2025 10:38

You need a long term antibiotic. You take it after sex.

healthybychristmas · 02/02/2025 10:39

Is your partner using condoms? I am allergic to those.

nahthatsnotforme · 02/02/2025 10:41

Are you sending urine samples for culture (or rather is your GP?).

You need to know if it's friction and irritation or actual infection

Hohofortherobbers · 02/02/2025 10:48

Vitabiotics ultra cranberry tablet every day, prevents cystitis, stops ecoli bacteria from multiplying in the bladder. It works.

Disturbia81 · 02/02/2025 11:05

cherryade8 · 02/02/2025 09:36

Is your partner too 'large'? I found that was the cause, i think it is too much friction. Tried lots of things but ultimately we split up, anytime we had sex I'd get cystitis, it wasn't pleasant. Never had the issue since being with someone new.

Yes I've heard it's more common when they're large and it's frequent.

SmolTrashPanda · 02/02/2025 11:08

Looking at the advice given so far, I think you need to have sex with someone else to see whether it still happens?