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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is like talking to a wall.

38 replies

Applecake99 · 01/02/2025 23:30

My husband is like talking to a wal
Yesterday, I had a discussion with my husband, and I told him again that talking to him feels like talking to a wall. Whenever I tell him that I'm sad (literally me sitting down and saying "I'm sad" because he wouldn’t notice me being sad, not in 10,000 years), he made a joke and completely ignored the fact that I was sad.

Am I crazy to expect the other person to ask why I am sad?

Many times, I’ve told him that I was having problems sleeping because of stress, and he wouldn’t even react...

One more thing to consider: my husband is not a bad person; he cares about me, but he just doesn’t react to things...

Is this normal? Do more women experience this with their partners? I feel it’s terribly unfair to say that most men are like this, and I only have my best friend’s marriage as an example (she’s been married for 10 years, and they don’t talk to each other— they just communicate the important things and never talk about feelings).

The thing is, I’m terribly disappointed. I’m a person who needs a lot of communication, and I believe the key to a happy marriage is communication. I’m always open to hearing what others have to say and improving myself, but what do you do when the other person just isn’t communicating?

I know he’s not doing this with bad intentions, but I’m feeling terribly alone and frustrated because I can’t share anything with him...

I tried to explain this to him, and he got mad and told me that was just his way, and asked me not to try to change him.

I don’t think I’m trying to change him—am I? I would definitely try to modify things about myself if they were important to my husband, so why isn’t he doing the same?

Am I crazy to think this way?

OP posts:
Oneflewovermycarsbed · 01/02/2025 23:37

I have been married to a robot for at least 25 years before I understood Autism…absolutely no offence intended. Husband is a lovely guy but doesn’t respond to normal stimuli and would rather concentrate on his‘interests’ ..it’s a very lonely,frustrating existence for me ! I completely get it 💐

Wiseplumant · 01/02/2025 23:46

I have exactly this with my DH. He is a really good man but seems unable to discuss anything I say which is vaguely to do with my ( or his own!) emotional state. It's not even that I want to be constantly talking about things. When I do he just looks at me blankly and says ' What do you want me to say?' So I have kind of given up. Like you I feel quite lonely in my marriage sometimes. I just feel invalidated. Luckily I have others in my life to talk to but I would love to be able to talk to him sometimes. It drives a wedge between us and sometimes I feel I have checked out of my marriage. I don't know what the solution is, I suppose I have just decided to accept him the way he is and be thankful for his (many) good points.

Catza · 01/02/2025 23:48

It doesn't sound like you are a great communicator either, I'm afraid. Saying "I'm sad" and expecting someone to respond in a way you imagined is just wishful thinking. And then following through with an accusations... it's not exactly a positive interaction, is it? And if every interaction is negative, then it becomes very difficult to motivate yourself to talk at all.
I am a great believer of expressing needs rather than citing symptoms. "Can I get a huggle" is what we say to each other when we feel out of sorts. The rest of the conversation may or may not happen as a result of that but, overall, interaction is positive. If I have information to share, then I give full information so that my partner doesn't feel like he has to get blood out of a stone. "I've not been sleeping very well as I am worried about this house purchase. Do you have a minute to think this through with me?"
Also, how does he respond when you ask him about his day?

NuffSaidSam · 01/02/2025 23:53

How have you got to the point of being married to someone who is like a wall to talk to?

Was he not like this before? Or he was but you thought you could deal with it? Or you thought he'd change? Or he's got worse?

Someone being incapable of deep conversation is usually evident before you get to marriage...how has this happened?

Original poster
Applecake99 · 01/02/2025 23:53

Oneflewovermycarsbed · 01/02/2025 23:37

I have been married to a robot for at least 25 years before I understood Autism…absolutely no offence intended. Husband is a lovely guy but doesn’t respond to normal stimuli and would rather concentrate on his‘interests’ ..it’s a very lonely,frustrating existence for me ! I completely get it 💐

25 years sounds like a lot, I'm so sorry you feel this way, there's nothing worse than feeling lonely in your own marriage:(

OP posts:
Cupcakerat · 01/02/2025 23:56

Does he show he cares in other ways? My DH can be like this sometimes. Very frustrating but he does lots of practical things to make my life easier. If I have a problem he wants to fix it which I think is why he struggles to just listen. It helps to have female friends and family to confide in too.

Original poster
Applecake99 · 01/02/2025 23:57

Wiseplumant · 01/02/2025 23:46

I have exactly this with my DH. He is a really good man but seems unable to discuss anything I say which is vaguely to do with my ( or his own!) emotional state. It's not even that I want to be constantly talking about things. When I do he just looks at me blankly and says ' What do you want me to say?' So I have kind of given up. Like you I feel quite lonely in my marriage sometimes. I just feel invalidated. Luckily I have others in my life to talk to but I would love to be able to talk to him sometimes. It drives a wedge between us and sometimes I feel I have checked out of my marriage. I don't know what the solution is, I suppose I have just decided to accept him the way he is and be thankful for his (many) good points.

At least I'm not the only one with this problem.
Sending you a a hug, at least we have these good friends to talk :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Applecake99 · 01/02/2025 23:59

NuffSaidSam · 01/02/2025 23:53

How have you got to the point of being married to someone who is like a wall to talk to?

Was he not like this before? Or he was but you thought you could deal with it? Or you thought he'd change? Or he's got worse?

Someone being incapable of deep conversation is usually evident before you get to marriage...how has this happened?

Surprisingly he was not like this before, he was very supportive.
I guess the magic went away and we are left with the routine?

Just to highlight, he is not a.bad person, he just cannot react to things...

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 02/02/2025 00:00

There must be some things he is good to talk to about or you wouldn't have been married. I get that you want the emotional support from him too but if he's just not able to, then can you get that from female friends and family more and focus on what he is good at or you're only going to feel lonelier focusing on the lack. As a PP says, directly asking for what you want - a hug to cheer you up etc - is likely to be more effective, as even good listeners might get the heartsink at a conversation opener like 'I'm sad." Even making a joke is better than the way many would respond by trying to fix it which can also be infuriating when you just want to moan. It's really hard I know but really good listeners are rare and special but most people get things wrong a lot and don't meet our expectations without help.

Original poster
Applecake99 · 02/02/2025 00:03

Definitely, he's a good person, I'm sure he loves me, he does everything he can for he's famous, I know for a fact, but he sucks at listening.
You know, sometimes a person shares certain things to vent, nor expecting the other one to fix it. I fix my problems, but I just feel so lonely knowing I just cannot share anything with him...

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 02/02/2025 00:04

I really feel for you.

Communication is very important in my book, and when there is none, it is a very lonely place to be.

It’s like a silent death by a thousand swords.

Oneflewovermycarsbed · 02/02/2025 00:07

Applecake99 · 01/02/2025 23:53

25 years sounds like a lot, I'm so sorry you feel this way, there's nothing worse than feeling lonely in your own marriage:(

Show quote history

He is a good human being and cares about me and the children but is very practical and robotic in his approach. Very hard to explain but I feel that everything he does for us is a learned response rather than an instinctive response. Not sure how else to explain any other way.And yes it’s a very lonely marriage TBH but I have really close friends and am very sociable,so am out meeting up with them. So that’s how I keep sane!!

NuffSaidSam · 02/02/2025 00:07

Applecake99 · 01/02/2025 23:59

Surprisingly he was not like this before, he was very supportive.
I guess the magic went away and we are left with the routine?

Just to highlight, he is not a.bad person, he just cannot react to things...

Show quote history

Well, now if he hasn't always been like this then he CAN react to things. You've seen it previously, you know he can do it.

The next question to ask yourself is why he either can't or is choosing not to anymore. It could be boredom/depression/an affair/he's checked out of the relationship. Find the cause and then ask yourself is this what you went until death do you part.

PrincessFairyWren · 02/02/2025 00:08

I have this problem with my DH. We are both neurodivergent but I don’t think that is especially relevant, but I am putting it out there.

we went to a marriage counsellor. She said that we both have different communication styles. She suggested that I just keep talking rather than waiting for him to ask questions. She also suggested that we research different communication styles and discuss with each other what our thoughts and styles of communication were with each other. The first suggestion was soul destroying. The second was quite good but DH wasn’t on board and it would only work if both of us were interested in being interested and open.

Original poster
Applecake99 · 02/02/2025 00:09

pinkdelight · 02/02/2025 00:00

There must be some things he is good to talk to about or you wouldn't have been married. I get that you want the emotional support from him too but if he's just not able to, then can you get that from female friends and family more and focus on what he is good at or you're only going to feel lonelier focusing on the lack. As a PP says, directly asking for what you want - a hug to cheer you up etc - is likely to be more effective, as even good listeners might get the heartsink at a conversation opener like 'I'm sad." Even making a joke is better than the way many would respond by trying to fix it which can also be infuriating when you just want to moan. It's really hard I know but really good listeners are rare and special but most people get things wrong a lot and don't meet our expectations without help.

You are right when you say that most people get things wrong a lot and don't meet our expectations without help. But not addressing the issues is also unfair.

I'm not saying that opening a conversation with "I'm sad" is the best way, thisnis just me struggling and trying to be as clear as possible because the other 1000 ways I tried before to have a conversation unfortunately failed... :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Applecake99 · 02/02/2025 00:13

PrincessFairyWren · 02/02/2025 00:08

I have this problem with my DH. We are both neurodivergent but I don’t think that is especially relevant, but I am putting it out there.

we went to a marriage counsellor. She said that we both have different communication styles. She suggested that I just keep talking rather than waiting for him to ask questions. She also suggested that we research different communication styles and discuss with each other what our thoughts and styles of communication were with each other. The first suggestion was soul destroying. The second was quite good but DH wasn’t on board and it would only work if both of us were interested in being interested and open.

That sounds like a great advice, to just continue talking, this may be a half.way solution, and maybe with time he understands a bit more about myself.

I'm curious if this worked out for you, or rather made you feel uncomfortable?

Thank you for sharing your experience,
❤️❤️

OP posts:
PrincessFairyWren · 02/02/2025 00:24

Applecake99 · 02/02/2025 00:13

That sounds like a great advice, to just continue talking, this may be a half.way solution, and maybe with time he understands a bit more about myself.

I'm curious if this worked out for you, or rather made you feel uncomfortable?

Thank you for sharing your experience,
❤️❤️

Show quote history

Well the advice was more like you say you slept badly. My DH would view that as a piece of information rather than an opportunity to respond. So he is probably interested to some degree but because I stopped talking he assumes that there is nothing more I want to say or he will think “ok she’s stressed” as the information that I want him to know. So essentially me getting hurt feelings was unnecessary because I am assuming that he isn’t interested, jumping to a negative conclusion.

To answer your other question we have other problems that are causing a bigger threat to our marriage. We are trying to work on things but I am so jaded it seems too little too late.

Original poster
Applecake99 · 02/02/2025 00:27

NuffSaidSam · 02/02/2025 00:07

Well, now if he hasn't always been like this then he CAN react to things. You've seen it previously, you know he can do it.

The next question to ask yourself is why he either can't or is choosing not to anymore. It could be boredom/depression/an affair/he's checked out of the relationship. Find the cause and then ask yourself is this what you went until death do you part.

Show quote history

Oh definitely not an affair, I don't think he's depressed neither, I think it's the classic I do 100% at the beginning and then I slowly show myself...

It feels a bit too much to decide the future of the relationship base on this, I'm still hoping to find a solution to understand each other better, as I said, I'm not blaming him.. I just wish communication was easier, if he could understand what I need and also communicate he's needs...

OP posts:
FairPanda · 02/02/2025 00:34

Well i feel a big better I'm not alone! I suspect DH is autistic.

Oneflewovermycarsbed · 02/02/2025 00:40

FairPanda · 02/02/2025 00:34

Well i feel a big better I'm not alone! I suspect DH is autistic.

I think / know that people who are neurodivergent mask in the real world and the only people who pick up are their families,and it can take a long time for the family to understand.

StormingNorman · 02/02/2025 00:40

If he doesn’t respond to your little prompts, why don’t you just tell him what you want to tell him?

I would find “I’m sad” irritatingly attention seeking. On the other hand, “I had a really shit day at work that left me feeling a bit upset” is a conversation starter.

Original poster
Applecake99 · 02/02/2025 00:47

StormingNorman · 02/02/2025 00:40

If he doesn’t respond to your little prompts, why don’t you just tell him what you want to tell him?

I would find “I’m sad” irritatingly attention seeking. On the other hand, “I had a really shit day at work that left me feeling a bit upset” is a conversation starter.

I could tell him what I want to tell him, but you need 2 people for a conversation, and not only one talking and the other one quiet, this is what left me feeling like I talk with a wall.

And yes, I'm seeking he's attention in a way, after 1000 attempts to have a conversation I guess I am getting exhausted and running out of ideas ...

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 02/02/2025 00:50

Applecake99 · 02/02/2025 00:27

Oh definitely not an affair, I don't think he's depressed neither, I think it's the classic I do 100% at the beginning and then I slowly show myself...

It feels a bit too much to decide the future of the relationship base on this, I'm still hoping to find a solution to understand each other better, as I said, I'm not blaming him.. I just wish communication was easier, if he could understand what I need and also communicate he's needs...

Show quote history

Ahh the slow check-out.

I'd tell him clearly how much his current lack of effort is impacting you. Let him know the relationship is on the line. See if he cares enough to put some effort in.

Original poster
Applecake99 · 02/02/2025 01:01

NuffSaidSam · 02/02/2025 00:50

Ahh the slow check-out.

I'd tell him clearly how much his current lack of effort is impacting you. Let him know the relationship is on the line. See if he cares enough to put some effort in.

Show quote history

He's putting effort into the relationship, in a different way. it's not a slow check out...
And this is the problem, he does cares about the relationship, he just doesn’t react to things. If this was a regular guy getting comfy I would have left long time ago.
He is just a wall when you communicate, but then he brings breakfast to bed, gets me flowers, shows tjat he really loves me.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 02/02/2025 01:11

Applecake99 · 02/02/2025 01:01

He's putting effort into the relationship, in a different way. it's not a slow check out...
And this is the problem, he does cares about the relationship, he just doesn’t react to things. If this was a regular guy getting comfy I would have left long time ago.
He is just a wall when you communicate, but then he brings breakfast to bed, gets me flowers, shows tjat he really loves me.

Show quote history

From what you've said, he used to communicate (so is able, it's not an impairment). You've told him how sad it makes you and he either ignores that or when you really drove it home he got angry with you.

If he cared about you or the relationship don't you think he'd listen, try his best to do what's important to you? Empty gestures like flowers and breakfast in bed doesn't make up for ignoring someone's vital needs and I think you know that really. Do you know why he does those things but can't communicate? Because toast on a tray or a bunch of flowers are easy, working on communication is hard and you're not worth the effort to him.

It's maybe on balance worth staying (if you like flowers and breakfast in bed), but do it with a clear view of where he is.