To think that my ex husband is being difficult? Email proof given!

[feedmefudge]

Hello everyone. I'd really appreciate your views on an email from my ex husband/father to my children. We've been divorced for over a decade after he cheated on me.
The background in this instance is that our middle daughter, who is 17, is in her final year of high school. She suffers with anxiety and it was particularly bad this week. She asked me to let her teachers know, which I did. She's very shy and would find it hard to open up to them in this way. I also asked them to allow her to go to the toilet if needed, as one teacher had done a blanket 'no' on all toilet requests. My daughter is a conscientious girl who would never take the piss out of this. It's just that the feeling of being 'trapped' was making things worse for her. I didn't actually email her individual teachers, only her Head of Year. I never bother them usually (last time would have been MONTHS ago) as she's nearly an adult and I work in Education myself, so don't want to be 'that' parent! I was simply trying to make life a little easier for my daughter, who is really struggling.
I received a supportive email back, for which I thanked them. All good.
One of her teachers emailed ex husband and I separately about something else (she's a bit behind with an assignment) and started the email with 'sorry Jane's health hasn't been good. I hope she feels better soon'.
My first thought was, oh heck, ex husband is going to worry about that. So I sent him a brief email explaining that she wasn't sick and forwarded the email I'd sent to the school that morning about her anxiety/the toilet. I usually cc him in on emails but said I'd forgotten this time, as had written it hurriedly at work. I'll post his reply, which is characteristically arsey.
I'm honestly just so done with him. I shouldn't have bothered and just let him draw his own conclusions about 'Jane's health'. I tried to do the right thing and he treats me like a lying scumbag
I'm a good person and a good mum, who like the rest of us is just trying her best.
AIBU for thinking he's a bit of a dick? Anyone with a bit of emotional intelligence would perhaps recognise that he's insecure because our daughter opened up to me about her feelings, and not take it out on the main carer (he has them every other weekend).
It unnerves me a bit when he clearly sees the worst in me, and no one else in my life has that view of me at all.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm having a bit of a 'oh, fuck it all' night

I should add that my daughter's real name isn't Jane.

Well, I wouldn’t have phrased it in that horrible, rude way - but I think he has a point.

Ok, interesting. Well, I am definitely open to other people's perspectives so thank you.

I have lots to say about him but it can be condensed down into: what a cunt

Stop the communications. Essential only. School can deal with him seperately don’t copy him into anything. Nobody needs this crap.

Your daughter is essentially a young adult now, you don't have to communicate with him at all.

Assuming she has a phone she can arrange her contact times, you owe him no explanation. Do not give him a second thought.

His email is barely legible ! Ignore - don’t apologise or explain to him next time.

Thank you - appreciate that.

That's the thing! His 'caught out' implies that I owed him an explanation for what was happening.

Cheers

In days gone past, I would have sent back a wordy and reactive reply.
Those days are gone, as it's not worth the toll on my emotional well-being.
This time, he got a 👍

And the weirdest thing? He sent his email the following day. You'd think by then he would have calmed down.

He's got a point, at her age she needs to learn to advocate for herself and her needs, as very shortly you won't be there holding her hand.

Yes, that's fair. I can totally see that. And usually she does it pretty well.
Still, it wouldn't have hurt him to put it nicely. You managed it!

While they're still kids at school, things do need to come from the parents about special circumstances and arrangements so I wouldn't worry about it. Of course, she is a young adult and starting to arrange things for herself will be beneficial but sometimes backup from home is needed so school knows she isn't just trying it on! You did right and he's making trouble for the sake of it!

I wouldn't bother replying to that 🙄

I would encourage your daughter to be more confident though. I assume this is college or sixth form at the age of 17, usually rules are less strict and it's not like the lower years where kids ask to go to the toilet unnecessarily to waste time. I am surprised one of the teachers has a blanket no to allowing them to the toilet. Obviously I understand them not allowing them if they are talking and giving the input, but if they are working independently I don't see what the problem is.

OP I really feel for you. You have explained why you stepped in. And that she is an adult, but you are her mum. And she asked you to.

Take that response as your scissors to cut ties with him.

Done.

Lots of schools have requests to send things to one parent, or resident parent, or requested parent.

Ask daughter that if she would like you to continue to advocate for her, as an adult, that is set up formally with the school.

If she changes her mind that can be withdrawn.

Leave him out of this.

She might be a young person on the brink of adulthood but unfortunately the structure and culture of high school doesn't really support that. If it did then teachers wouldn't be able to (or have to) impose "no toilet rules". Many schools have a culture that actively disempowers young people and will only make exceptions when parent/adults become involved.

As for your ex husband. I agree with others who say that you simply stop communicating anything that isn't hugely important. For any messages that do NEED to be passed on use the Biff technique. BRIEF, INFORMATIVE, FRIENDLY, FIRM. And don't respond to any emails that are an attempt to draw you into a conflict. Just completely ignored them. Don't even give them a thumbs up.

he is an arsehole but if he wasn't you would probably still be married to him. You cannot change his behaviour but you can change your reaction to it. ignore him, keep communication only to what is essential. Make a clay doll of him and stick pins into it if your irritation with him becomes overwhelming.:}

as for your husband and other people posting here saying that you should not be speaking for your daughter that is BS. You know her best and what she finds supportive and clearly from your post {if people had bothered to read it}you are not always communicating with the school over trivia.

Exactly this. Tell him to fuck right off.

Yep, he's a twat! Thumbs up the best thing and don't engage going forward.

Adults often need an advocate - her dd is.suffering anxiety- op is advocating for.her dd who is not yet 18 - and even once you are 18 support from family and friends on your journey through life and particularly at the tough bits is fine - although expectations to stand on your own 2 feet increases as you age I am sure there are moments in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and onwards that you seek support of friends on occasion.

your ex is a dick and you owe him nothing. he cheated and calls you a liar? stop caring about his opinion and explain nothing.
btw, i teach high school (17-18 year olds). they knew when they need the bathroom and they know how to be in class. i don’t even make my students ask. i tell them bio breaks as needed, please don’t take advantage and if they do policy will be considered. who says no when someone asks for the bathroom?

He's a self important prick and your thumbs up was the perfect response.

I would be pointing out to him he needs to go back to school himself and learn to spell and create correct sentences

Personally I would just ignore, yes keep the email , but not respond

Absolutely!! How many times on MN do people advise posters to have someone hold their hand or go with them?