To think that my ex husband is being difficult? Email proof given!

[feedmefudge]

Hello everyone. I'd really appreciate your views on an email from my ex husband/father to my children. We've been divorced for over a decade after he cheated on me.
The background in this instance is that our middle daughter, who is 17, is in her final year of high school. She suffers with anxiety and it was particularly bad this week. She asked me to let her teachers know, which I did. She's very shy and would find it hard to open up to them in this way. I also asked them to allow her to go to the toilet if needed, as one teacher had done a blanket 'no' on all toilet requests. My daughter is a conscientious girl who would never take the piss out of this. It's just that the feeling of being 'trapped' was making things worse for her. I didn't actually email her individual teachers, only her Head of Year. I never bother them usually (last time would have been MONTHS ago) as she's nearly an adult and I work in Education myself, so don't want to be 'that' parent! I was simply trying to make life a little easier for my daughter, who is really struggling.
I received a supportive email back, for which I thanked them. All good.
One of her teachers emailed ex husband and I separately about something else (she's a bit behind with an assignment) and started the email with 'sorry Jane's health hasn't been good. I hope she feels better soon'.
My first thought was, oh heck, ex husband is going to worry about that. So I sent him a brief email explaining that she wasn't sick and forwarded the email I'd sent to the school that morning about her anxiety/the toilet. I usually cc him in on emails but said I'd forgotten this time, as had written it hurriedly at work. I'll post his reply, which is characteristically arsey.
I'm honestly just so done with him. I shouldn't have bothered and just let him draw his own conclusions about 'Jane's health'. I tried to do the right thing and he treats me like a lying scumbag
I'm a good person and a good mum, who like the rest of us is just trying her best.
AIBU for thinking he's a bit of a dick? Anyone with a bit of emotional intelligence would perhaps recognise that he's insecure because our daughter opened up to me about her feelings, and not take it out on the main carer (he has them every other weekend).
It unnerves me a bit when he clearly sees the worst in me, and no one else in my life has that view of me at all.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm having a bit of a 'oh, fuck it all' night

Says someone who doesn’t understand anxiety

Or better print it out and take a red pen to it, scan it and send it back to him OP. Then put a circle around a big F 😂

Thank you everyone. I really, really appreciate your replies.
And yes, the 'no toilet' thing is unusual. But it's a private school and they can be a law unto themselves at times.
Anyway, I got it sorted for her - politely and without fuss - and already she's feeling better about going in next week.

I used to react to everything with my ex and now I don't. I've honestly made a lot of progress in that regard, as I've had to. Why I still let it get me down is a total mystery, though, even to me

@JandamiHash

Ha ha, I love that. He's actually a highly intelligent and driven man, the kind who can tie you in knots with words. I'm surprised he let the ball drop with that email; the rage clearly affected his thinking! Has retired at 50 as a millionaire. Unfortunately he has CEO levels of arrogance though.

I guess you know to stop ccing him into anything since he thinks she’s an adult and parents don’t have to be involved.

Once our youngest got to secondary school I stopped any form of contact with exh. . The fucking relief...

Absolutely, good point!

I can imagine!
We're in touch when strictly necessary. I'm not an anxious person, but he definitely brings something out in me.

Any school that thinks it's appropriate to police their sixth formers' toilet breaks obviously requires that parents advocate for their children. You can't tell the students to act like adults and then take their decision making away from them.
Which is a long winded way of saying that you did just fine OP, and you really don't have to care what your ex says. And neither does your daughter.
(What he said was badly spelt word salad anyway.)

Many thanks.

He comes across as thoroughly ignorant and illiterate. I'd ignore it.

Have a DS who is almost an adult and has severe anxiety, it doesn't matter what age your DC are, if your DD is anxious than she will have that to cope with through her life. Having a mum who supports her and watches her back is so important. My xh, like yours doesn't get it, he never will and your DD will learn not to share things with him. You are absolutely doing the right thing, like other posters, I wouldn't bother contacting him about anything, because of your DDs age, you don't have to. My DS is still a child, mid teens but he knows who to call and it's not my xh. Keep doing what you're doing!

The passive aggressive thumbs up was the best response, well done. No more cc'ing him into emails. He's lost that privilege.

Perfect response 👌🏼

Edited to add: he's a fucking idiot, by the way

Thank you everyone. Mumsnet at its best

What a horrible man. Just ignore him, don’t fuel his fire.

I was a 17 year old who nearly dropped out of sixth form with an eating disorder, self harm and what I guess was anxiety although we didn’t really use that phrase back then. Anyway I’m a perfectly functional, well adjusted and happy adult having worked through all that in therapy and actually grown out of it to be honest. Being a young adult can be really tough and you are right to support her.

How old is your youngest? I wonder if what he’s actually railing against is that once they’re all grown up he won’t be able to control you any more.

Eurgh I'd just ignore him and only communicate when absolutely necessary. No need for that kind of tone whatever he thinks you did. Remember this incident and don't overexplain again. If he wants to know he can ask.

You did the right thing OP. Even as adults we sometimes need support and help advocating for ourselves when we aren't able to. So what, she's an adult now so you're never allowed to help her again? He sounds just lovely (not) and I'm sure your daughter is going to want a close relationship with him (not).

He sounds like an arsehole. Just don't communicate with him at all if your children are old enough to make their own arrangements to see him. And for those saying your daughter is an adult and should advocate for herself - she's not an adult, she's 17 and doing A Levels is massively stressful. It's good for her to know that you have her back when she needs you. You sound like a great mum ❤️

I would just send a laughing emoji back, because you haven't been caught out.

I would have just replied to that with a thumbs up emoji 😂

As others have said, just stop communicating with him. If you both see your daughter as an adult there’s no real need for the divorced parents of an adult to continue to update each other, especially if the relationship is antagonistic or full of dislike. That should be for your daughter to do.

My divorced parents had zero contact for the last 17 years of my mum’s life and she was happier for it.

I guess it’s gratifying to have the occasional reminder that you are no longer married to him.

my dd was anxious in 6th form and I emailed the school. They made adjustments happily. It isn’t as simple as telling someone you just need to be more confident.

You’re giving this nob head too much head space. He won’t have given a second thought to how his tone might come across to you as he either doesn’t care or would like to wind you up.
think rationally, what difference does his opinion make to your life? The intent of your original email for your daughter remains the same. It’s just noise from him.
take care as I know, from hard experience, it’s easier said than done to not give it much thought x

She must be in 6th Form? What jumped out at me was that a school is issuing a blanket ban on toilet visits to pupils who are essentially adults! Seems a bit draconian to me. Anything which is going to decrease her anxiety to get her through school is on the table for you as her parent. People build their confidence from a place of security, not anxiety. If you advocating for her is what she needs right now, that’s fine. She’ll get there. Your ex’s ramblings are just background noise. Ignore.