To think that the concept of ‘unconditional love’ does more harm than good?

[GutsyBrickMoose]

Unconditional love sounds noble but doesn’t it enable toxic behaviours and prevent accountability? AIBU to think all love should have boundaries?

I believe the only people we love unconditionally are our children and at a push other family members like parents. But everyone else in my world could do something to make me stop loving them.

I thought I loved my children unconditionally. But it turned out that when one of them, as an adult, behaved in a terrible way which I couldn't understand and found absolutely abhorrent, the love went away.

I always thought that loving unconditionally meant that it was without transaction. For example my MIL will reward her grandchildren that visit with gifts and money, DS who has long since sussed her out gets very little, but she will tell him that it’s because he doesn’t visit her/ do stuff for her.
He would prefer not to be rewarded for visiting her so doesn’t. He loves her despite her behaviour. He considers love is enough.

I love my DS, I don’t always like or approve of his behaviour and would have no problem handing him over if he did anything illegal. But our emotional connection is based on trust and love, I don’t expect him to demonstrate his love in exchange for mine. He is a generous person but he does understand that relationships outside of family are usually transactional. He has a couple of very close long term friends that I would consider unconditional.

Although, he hasn’t quite sussed women. To him, his first love was unconditional but she took advantage of this and it didn’t end well. He’s realised that unconditional takes time and probably only possible when both of you feel the same way.

I’m with DH, his father, because I love him. Due to his mother not being an unconditional type it took him a long time to realise this and would frequently ask if I still loved him. My answer has always been, if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be here. He thought that there was always a but.

The poor op whose 17 year old son is being prosecuted for watching CSA is at the sharp end of this.

The book and film We Need To Talk About Kevin explores this further it’s not an easy watch / read though.

I actually think it’s fair enough that the younger generation that can be arsed to make an effort with old people get rewarded. The niece that visits weekly/ drives the elderly person to appointments/ does her weekly shop bloody deserves to inherit her house rather than bone idle nephew she’s not seen for 20 years who has done sod all.

I don't think unconditional love is possible tbh. Everyone reaches a point where enough is enough.

I don't believe it exists.

I think everyone has a breaking point, even with their children. Thankfully, most of us never have to reach it.

If my child commits the most heinous crimes, I am sure I will have very strong feelings towards them still. I would love them for who they once were and the history that we share, and I have no doubt I would care for them. But I am not so sure that is actively loving someone. It's complicated emotions and strong biological drives. Love is a verb rings true to me.

Unconditional love only applies from parents to children in my opinion. No matter what my children I would never stop loving them. I might be disappointed or horrified by their behaviour but nothing would stop that love.

With regards to partners - unconditional love doesnt and shouldn't exist. I should not unconditionally love a partner that beats me or cheats on me or abuses me in any way and the whole idea of unconditional love in this context is horribly toxic.

I think unconditional love is involuntary, at least it is in my case. I don't think there's anything that can stop a mother (in most cases) from loving her child. The bond is just too strong. If the child does something so heinous that the relationship can't continue, I don't think the unconditional love dies, it just becomes a source of pain rather than joy.

Out of interest if your dog bit your child would you still love them?

I'd say it's more likely you would have unconditional love for a dog than the child.

Beyond the age of about 9 or 10, children develop more of the kind of free will they will have as adults. They can make decisions based on something other than what you've taught them. As they get older, other influences in their life affect what they do. They may choose to deliberately go against you or the moral code you've tried to instil in them. You may still love them unconditionally but depending on what they choose, it may feel harder to do that.

With a dog you've raised from puppy, they have only two things which affect how they behave. How you've raised them, or natural instinct. If your dog bites someone, they are acting on one of those two parameters and in no way can you blame a dog for that.

I dint see any difference. If your son became a right wing violent incel paedofile bigot who assaulted women for kicks would you really still like him?

I mean love. Would you still love him??

Only my son is unconditional. If my husband of twenty plus years cheated or got violent it would be over

Brilliant post and I agree. Unconditional doesn’t mean condoning, it means your love being stretched but not breaking.

This thread reminds me of posters pontificating that they woukd give their lives for their children etc. Words are cheap especially when you are safely at home in a stable country and you are not likely to be tested. It’s easy to say you love your adorable child / lovely teen unconditionally. In my job I do see parents hitting their limit with adult children. And it’s not that the children do anything dramatically criminally bad.

The most common is the adult child leaves home and drops the parents entirely usually men getting a new family. The parents try and try. One parent gets ill. The other pleads with adult child to at least visit. They don’t. The ill parent then dies broken hearted. The surviving parent often thinks “fuck you then” about the adult child.