To think that the concept of ‘unconditional love’ does more harm than good?

[GutsyBrickMoose]

Unconditional love sounds noble but doesn’t it enable toxic behaviours and prevent accountability? AIBU to think all love should have boundaries?

Oh yes which is why i said “Unconditional love, conditional being in your life”. If my kids grew up to be child killers, I’d still love them but I’d want nothing to do with them

Can I ask out of genuine curiosity, those that say they would still love their child if they did something heinous, what would this mean or feel like.

When I think of my children now I sort of have a warm feeling and I want to act on it, so i want to protect them, nuture, help them out and I like to think they are happy when they are away from me.

I can't see that holding up for me in the horrific crime situ. At most I can imagine having some memories of better times and feeling a bit shit about what went wrong.

I'm not saying I'm right! Im worried im some sort of sociopath reading these replies I'm just trying to understand what love would mean.

I mean the nearest I have for a frame of reference is having to cut off my brother due to his addiction and awful behaviours surrounding that.

We haven't spoken in maybe 10 years, but I get sad when I think about what he's become, when I hear he's been hurt or hospitalised or arrested I feel real pity and I hope he comes good one day. I wonder if I could have done anything to stop him going down that path....

I still love him for who he was, but I hate what he has become, but I still want the best for him too.

It's a confusing feeling, and not always easy, but it's possible to love someone awful and cut them out too.

I imagine it would be a similar but more intense feeling if it were my child doing awful things.

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun
thankyou for that explanation. I can see what you mean there and it makes sense in that context.

When my dc was taken into care the urge to make sure they were still safe and cared for was strong. Worrying about bad things happening was horrific.. Even though they had done a bad thing to someone else... They have had to manage teen years and into adult without my love and care.. It really doesn't go away. I hope nobody else has to test this theory but they are still well loved they just don't know it. Can't imagjne how awful that is for them feeling unloved....

Agree so much with OP. Meaningless virtue signalling word salad drivel. Why people feel the need to say this to others is always suspect imo. What are they trying to prove or impose.

When I see people say on the likes of social media that they love their spouse unconditionally I always think to myself no you don’t.
I love my dh a lot but me continuing to love him does have conditions. Such as that he continues to be not abusive. His ongoing fidelity that sort of thing.
my dc I would say I do love them unconditionally I won’t stop loving them even if they do something horrid. I may not continue to support them unconditionally and I may not like them if they did something heinous but I can’t imagine that I would stop loving them.

Unconditional love doesnt mean letting people treat you badly. It means loving someone for who they are,regardless of wealth, success, looks etc. Thats my interpretation anyway.

I had a dog who bit my child. She had left the house (to a safe place) within the hour & the rescue centre she went to wouldn’t let me see her once I had surrendered her but I was still distraught. She was still the dog I loved and she hadn’t bitten with what could be termed malice as a human concept. Of course, she couldn’t stay but I still loved her.

I think it is, like you say, a concept. It doesn't have to apply to each person. If you abusive parents you're never going to have unconditional love for them. When you know you'd take a flying bullet for your child I think you could say it's unconditional. It might mean you'd be in a tight spot if they were to commit a bad crime, and could be responsible for you making poor decisions. It's not necessarily that noble, to my mind.

It might be normal to love your children unconditionally whilst they're children but I don't think it necessarily works like that when theyre adults. I think sustained, awful behaviour from an adult child can destroy even parental love.

My mother loves my abusive brother unconditionally. You can't stop feelings

To clarify, abusive to her

Love and like are very different.

Love is the underlying emotion, what you are probably referring to is about boundaries. You can love someone forever, regardless of what they do, but not support their actions.

For instance I had an aunt that was an alcoholic- my mum absolutely loved her sister - adored her. But didn’t condone that she abandoned her children, and didn’t take her side when she was wrong - but would visit her (they didn’t live in the same country) - but not to the detriment of the life she built - boundaries but there is unconditional love.

Works the other way with vile parents. Why do people keep contact with toxic parents?

It would have to be something very extreme for me to stop loving my children, something like them very seriously injuring or killing or SA against another of my children.

Loving someone deeply doesn't preclude you from having boundaries. Unconditional love means that you will never stop loving them it doesn't mean that you will accept very bad behaviour.

Why do think that people expressing their opinions and beliefs about their own emotions is an act designed to elicit a response in you. Surely that's egocentric on your part?

Er, MN is about expressing your opinions. In this case - my opinion - on a ridiculous and meaningless expression. The OP asked for opinions. Jeezus C, this place is so up itself..

No..I don't have any issues with you expressing an opinion on unconditional love. I agree with you that MN is a place where people express their opinions. But you said you think anyone who talks about loving their children unconditionally are trying to prove or impose something ON YOU.... it's an interesting and unusual take to assume that people who talk about loving their children unconditionally are only saying it to make YOU feel a certain way. Because it couldn't possibly just be them describing their own emotions. It is egotistical and magical thinking to assume that other people's motivation for chatting about their emotions has anything to do with you. Which is kind of "up yourself".

Nope

I think when your child is small and adorable
and relies on you totally you have the luxury of believing in unconditional love. However I see families professionally where reasonable and loving parents have cut the ties because frankly there are limits to what you can accept from an adult child..

They may have cut ties but have they explicitly said "I don't love you anymore". Because in my professional experience of working with families it's usually more like "I love you but we can't do this any more".

It goes without saying that not all parents do love their children unconditionally but many do. Because not everyone is the same.

First post nails it!