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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect them to “ask” first?

38 replies

Reallyneedsaholiday · 01/02/2025 09:36

Long story short, I live with adult DC (plus a younger DC), and walked out of the bathroom at 1am, in my onesie to see two men I know through work in the hallway. My adult son had invited them round, after a few drinks, for a gaming session.
I’ve never been so embarrassed.
YABU - it’s his home as well, he should be able to bring anyone back to the house, whenever he wants, with no concern for anyone else’s comfort.
YANBU - he should have at least messaged to say that he was bringing people back with them. I don’t think I’ve ever said “no”, but like to be given the opportunity to make myself scarce and retreat to my bedroom first.

I’m prepared to be told I was BU and grumpy because my younger daughter was sick (hence why I was still up), I’m exhausted and have a long (13 hr) work shift today and they were gaming loudly in the room directly under my bedroom, keeping me awake.

OP posts:
Agix · 01/02/2025 09:39

Is he paying rent like a tenant, or is he staying free? If he's paying rent, I'd say he doesn't have to ask. He's paying for a home. If he's staying free and it's your home, he has to ask.

MelisandeLongfield · 01/02/2025 09:40

I think it's a case of needing to discuss some house rules. If you've never said he can't do this, I don't think he was wrong.

Is he paying you rent?

MasterBeth · 01/02/2025 09:40

YANBU

A family living amicably together should always have concern for each other's comfort.

ladyofshertonabbas · 01/02/2025 09:42

He should message in advance, but did he think he’d wake you by messaging, or that you’d be asleep and wouldn’t cross paths with them?

VoodooRajin · 01/02/2025 09:43

Gaming in the middle of the night whilst people are trying to sleep? No way

jeaux90 · 01/02/2025 09:43

YANBU i

PearlClutzsche · 01/02/2025 09:44

I think the loud gaming keeping you awake is the biggest problem here, but in any case a discussion about consideration for others and expectations of basic courtesy in a shared living space is surely needed.

CynicalSunni · 01/02/2025 10:03

I think at that time of night they would have to ask first even if they paid rent.
It is outside of normal social hours.

Say it was 1700 i don't think they should ask unless they were going to take over the place for a few hours

BarbaraHoward · 01/02/2025 10:06

I think it's common courtesy to let you know, I would expect DH to do the same.

Whether he needs to ask permission is a different matter!

OtterlyMad · 01/02/2025 10:26

If he’s paying rent then I don’t think he should have to ask permission, but he should definitely message other people in the household just to give them a heads up that there are going to be guests in the house (especially at that time at night!!) If I were in your shoes, I would be royally pissed off with my son and be having words with him about proper housemate etiquette.

Original poster
Reallyneedsaholiday · 01/02/2025 10:37

Apologies, I didn’t want to drip feed and thought I’d put it in the OP. Adult DCs pay for their share of household bills. (Ie extra costs incurred because they live in the house - food, gas, electric ) not “rent”/ contribute towards mortgage/ the house itself.
I don’t actually think that that’s a deciding factor (isn't to me anyway)
Its their home. They are welcome to have people around if they want to, just a heads up would have been nice. Completely took me by surprise, to see two work clients in my house, when I came out of the loo in my onesie 😩

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/02/2025 10:39

He shouldn’t be having any men in the house at night when there’s a young female there. Not unless you know them and have agreed.

Zippidydoodah · 01/02/2025 10:40

He should have been more considerate, rent or not.

Zippidydoodah · 01/02/2025 10:41

You could have come out of the loo in your birthday suit!!

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2025 10:54

Zippidydoodah · 01/02/2025 10:41

You could have come out of the loo in your birthday suit!!

Omg you've just reminded me . . . I actually did that once, went for a late night wee, walked out starkers and my housemate and his mate had come back and were in the room opposite the bathroom, his mate got an absolute eyefull, i hastily retreated to my room in a cold sweat!

Op, YANBU. I would hate to bump into anyone like that, it's actually rather scary suddenly seeing men in your house that you didn't know were there.

Original poster
Reallyneedsaholiday · 01/02/2025 11:20

Zippidydoodah · 01/02/2025 10:41

You could have come out of the loo in your birthday suit!!

I think that’s partly why I was so taken aback, because I’ll quite often make a “mad dash” from the bathroom, and “hope for the best” 😂
(to clarify, it’s two steps from bedroom to bathroom, and last night I was downstairs, so wouldn’t have happened)

OP posts:
gannett · 01/02/2025 11:26

But if he'd messaged you wouldn't have got it on account of being asleep? I do think in general he should give you a heads up about guests but in this case I also see why he'd have erred on the side of not waking you up.

I wouldn't have been especially embarrassed in a onesie though!

gannett · 01/02/2025 11:28

PearlClutzsche · 01/02/2025 09:44

I think the loud gaming keeping you awake is the biggest problem here, but in any case a discussion about consideration for others and expectations of basic courtesy in a shared living space is surely needed.

But it obviously didn't keep the OP awake - quite the opposite. If she'd been awoken by their noise she wouldn't have been surprised to see them after she went to the loo.

healthybychristmas · 01/02/2025 11:30

I think it's incredibly disrespectful of your son. It's time he moved out if he wants to behave like that. It's even worse that they are clients but in any case I wouldn't want random men turning up in the middle of the night. Your son needs his own place.

incandescentglow · 01/02/2025 11:37

rent is irrelevant here, common courtesy to just let you know isn't it, I don't mind people being in my house as long as I'm told just so that I'm aware

my mum always used to bring her new bf round without letting me know before when i lived with her, id be making dinner or in my pyjamas half the time and was uncomfortable with surprise guests coming in seeing me and making comments had to say to her i didnt mind him being there obvs but please just give me a heads up!!!

incandescentglow · 01/02/2025 11:40

gannett · 01/02/2025 11:28

But it obviously didn't keep the OP awake - quite the opposite. If she'd been awoken by their noise she wouldn't have been surprised to see them after she went to the loo.

Show quote history

i think you need to re read the post, OP literally said it kept her awake

Original poster
Reallyneedsaholiday · 01/02/2025 12:05

gannett · 01/02/2025 11:26

But if he'd messaged you wouldn't have got it on account of being asleep? I do think in general he should give you a heads up about guests but in this case I also see why he'd have erred on the side of not waking you up.

I wouldn't have been especially embarrassed in a onesie though!

He knows that a message wouldn’t disturb me, but that I’d see it if I was awake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallyneedsaholiday · 01/02/2025 12:06

gannett · 01/02/2025 11:28

But it obviously didn't keep the OP awake - quite the opposite. If she'd been awoken by their noise she wouldn't have been surprised to see them after she went to the loo.

Show quote history

I wasn’t in bed. I was in the toilet. They kept me awake after I went to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallyneedsaholiday · 01/02/2025 12:07

healthybychristmas · 01/02/2025 11:30

I think it's incredibly disrespectful of your son. It's time he moved out if he wants to behave like that. It's even worse that they are clients but in any case I wouldn't want random men turning up in the middle of the night. Your son needs his own place.

They can’t afford to move out. I wish they could. (Although we get on really well, and I enjoy having them around, I still think it would be better for them to have their own place)

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 01/02/2025 12:21

Someone who lives in someone else’s home is a lodger not a tenant and therefore do not have the same rights as a tenant.

Adult children are different again because they seldom pay a deposit, market rent, full share of all bills and all their own groceries. They get less rights than a fully paid up lodger even though many think that is “so unfair”

The three of them were thoughtless. If the friends know you from work it should’ve crossed their minds that a colleague might not want them turning up late at night. Your son should at least give you warning when there will be other people in the house.