To get annoyed with husband at everything

[sushiandarollie]

Husband (together 8 years) is your stereotypical man, clueless about housework, chores and has no common sense. It’s driving me mad. We have a DC who is 3. I have to tell him everything. Husband came home from shop unaware to check used by dates and bought meat that will be out of date when we need it, pork pies with no use by date (must have been missed off) so no idea when they are out of date. He previously bought a milk with lid come off and so it spilt everywhere.
He plays the fool. Oh I didn’t know about the dates. ‘Oh do I need to put a new bin bag in the bin’. Rubbish overflowing and he claims to not realise.
AiBU to get annoyed so easily over these things. He’s at his wits end with ‘how I keep having a go at him’ I am at my wits end with him

What's the point of the marriage? He's meant to be massively enhancing your life, bringing peace, fun, and an equal functional parent and household member.

If he's choosing to fail, free yourself of him. Theres no excuse for men exploiting women to perform the boring tasks they think are beneath them.

So you have a toddler and a teen?

He knows he just doesn't care op, he thinks these shit jobs are yours so any attempt at them however crap he does it should be considered an amazing offer of help for you.

And you've given him a child.... for what? What was it about him that made you think " he's the man with genes I think should be replicated. " he sounds worthless.

Was he like this before you had your DC? If so, why did you reproduce with him? He's unlikely to change in any meaningful way so I think you need to reconsider the relationship.

Clueless about housework, chores and no common sense - knows exactly what he needs to do but can’t be bothered to do it because his wife does. Lazy and doesn’t care that wife is running around after him like his mum.

He has no common sense and you have to tell him what to do BECAUSE he just doesn’t want to help out.

Strategic incompetence.

Fuck that for a marriage. He'll never change, he sees himself as above menial tasks therefore they're yours.

Hard to believe this incompetence is not deliberate at some level. I’d be furious.

And what job does he do? Because I bet he is incredibly competent at that.

Practise makes perfect so he keeps doing the same tasks until he gets it right. Do not accept this weaponised incompetence which is what it is. Have a set day or days for the bin to be emptied. My children when in year 6 emptied the bins in this house.

He is not clueless about housework he sees it as women's work and therefore your responsibility. Not the greatest example to set to your child. Not all men are like this, Dh had a working Dad who didn't do any housework and a SAHM and she taught him to bake, cook, clean and iron. I have two sons who have been raised with this great Father.

I'm assuming DH hasn't suddenly lost the ability to do these things after 8 years and it's just more annoying now you have a whole extra little person to look after. I know that strategic/ weaponised incompetence is a buzz phrase at the moment and there's something to it. However, some people are just genuinely a bit useless or have low standards. I can't imagine my lifelong bachelor brother would look at BB dates or use bin bags. He doesn't think someone else should do it. He just doesn't care.

Your DH should be able to manage grocery shopping to a basic standard you set. I'd tell him he's a father now and needs to do a better job of some basic things so your household can function properly.

Make sure he has set tasks to do on set days ideally ones that impact on him if he doesn't do them.

Things he does badly he has to do more not less.

I think I would sit him down, explain that you need him to be a PARTNER and he also owes your DC a good role model in terms of how to be a good partner and parent. Decide on jobs to do, ask if he understands how to do them and then set him off

Why do we keep getting this same point made on here that they must have been useless before marriage and kids so it is the woman's fault for maŕying an ncompetent?

Plenty of women aren't as tidy, good at cooking or organised before they have kids.

But we have kids and we grow up. We take on the burdens of childcare and running a house, alongside our jobs and other responsibilities. Otherwise society judges the living shit out of us. Yet when the fathers don't grow up too, guess what? Society judges the living shit out of us for that.

Incompetent men who CHOOSE to not grow up are not women's fault.

Stop internalising misogyny and then spewing it back out here.

This is a support forum for women by women. Misogyny should be the last thing posters have to worry about.

Agreed it's definitely not women's fault men are like this.

Somehow I have the stereotype that it's only heterosexual men that are like this in my head, but that's my prejudice and this might be entirely based on all the male gay couples around the globe who show off their beautiful homes on my Instagram feed....

But you can definitely decide it's not acceptable when they are in a partnership with you and that you were not put on this earth to facilitate manipulative incompetence.
It's beyond disrespectful and that's the bit I couldn't tolerate.

You can decide that on day 1 or day 10,001.

Mine is equally as hopeless and shit at checking use-by dates on food he buys.

You have my sympathies, it is soul-destroyingly annoying.

Has he really completely changed after marriage or had you seen this side before?

I really cannot abide men like this with their feigned helplessness so no you are not being unreasonable in my book.

Well bloody said!

DH grew up in rural North Africa with no running water. He didn’t even see a washing machine, dishwasher, hoover or big supermarket until he was in his 20s. He cooks, cleans, does the washing, shops for groceries etc etc. These are not challenging skills to learn and can be easily picked up by anyone willing to do so.

So like others I come to the conclusion that your DH doesn’t want to be competent at these activities because he doesn’t want to do them. I don’t buy any excuses about his mum doing it for him or how he never learnt as a child as my DH shows these are skills you can easily develop as an adult. He is messing up because he resents doing it because he thinks it is your job.

He wasn’t quite so bad before we had a child. He’s easy going, kind and has same interests and values as me. We both worked full time and had our evenings and had more time. Now we have a dog and child and so it’s messier but have much less time

He is lazy. It’s his main negative thing even he agrees with. He always has been. He didn’t have a mum growing up and cut a long story short he ended up with grandparents who were retired and his grandma was that generation that cooked cleaned and did everything , so that’s how he grew up

since our child as our lifestyles have changed so much now with a child

Does he need glasses?

I only ask because DH couldn’t see dates, didn’t even know they were there. Now he takes his glasses when he goes shopping and things have improved greatly. Also a list which can contain reminders ie ‘buy for Wednesday’.

also have a routine, bins upstairs on Thursday, downstairs Tuesday etc.

you presumably trained your dog to be a nice housemate, rather than just rehoming him…..

So he could do it all before?

Feed him the poisoned meat. How could you possibly realise you shouldn’t?

😁 😁 😁