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Original poster

To not want to go and stay with my friend when her marriage is in trouble?

35 replies

Flowers665 · 30/01/2025 21:40

My friend is having a really rough time in her marriage. I'm doing everything I can to support her but I live far away which makes it harder because I cant pop round, meet her for walks etc. The only way of seeing each other is going to stay with each other, she can't meet halfway because she has a young child. The things she tells me about her husband are awful. I've only met him a few times and the last time I went to stay I didn't feel like he wanted me there. She wants me to go and stay again but I just don't feel very comfortable at all. But also feel like an awful friend if I don't go.

OP posts:
Flatandhappy · 30/01/2025 21:43

You are unlikely to be welcome (and would probably be the cause of another row between them) so no, I wouldn’t stay. Is staying nearby in a B&B or Travelodge and spending time with her an option?

Shouldbedoing · 30/01/2025 21:44

If you don't go to visit, then he wins. He has successfully isolated her.
Could you afford a Travelodge?

meganorks · 30/01/2025 21:45

Can she just come to yours again?

Shouldbedoing · 30/01/2025 21:45

Or even a Family room, child as well. A girls' weekend. She probably needs this really badly.

GreyAreas · 30/01/2025 21:46

No, don't put yourself in that position. She needs to act, not expect you to be her rescuer.

Namenamchange · 30/01/2025 21:46

How long is half way? I stayed with a friend when she had marriage problems, it was awful and I wouldn’t recommend it. Maybe get her to come to you, with child, it will be more of a break for her and you will be able to talk

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 21:46

No, I wouldn’t go.

Could you invite her to come and stay with you?

TriangleLight · 30/01/2025 21:47

I’d go. She needs you

slipperypenguin · 30/01/2025 21:47

Book a cheap and cheerful hotel

Original poster
Flowers665 · 30/01/2025 21:48

Flatandhappy · 30/01/2025 21:43

You are unlikely to be welcome (and would probably be the cause of another row between them) so no, I wouldn’t stay. Is staying nearby in a B&B or Travelodge and spending time with her an option?

I offered to stay in a hotel instead to make it easier for her/them but she insists I stay with them and obviously I don't want to say that I'd rather stay in a hotel and hurt her feelings.

OP posts:
devastatedagain · 30/01/2025 21:48

I would never go somewhere I wasn;t wanted.

Can't they just come to you?

Original poster
Flowers665 · 30/01/2025 21:48

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 21:46

No, I wouldn’t go.

Could you invite her to come and stay with you?

She won't come and stay with me because of her child (who is very welcome to come too) but she won't.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 30/01/2025 21:48

Depends what the “awful” stuff is. Is he violent?

Original poster
Flowers665 · 30/01/2025 21:50

RandomButtons · 30/01/2025 21:48

Depends what the “awful” stuff is. Is he violent?

Emotionally abusive amongst other horrible behaviour. Not physically violent to my knowledge.

OP posts:
devastatedagain · 30/01/2025 21:50

You don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her that it's difficult for you to stay with her when her other half is so hostile but she won't come and see you and thats ok?

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 21:51

You’ve given her good options (staying with you and staying in a hotel).

I don’t think you can be reasonably be asked to do anymore.

It sounds like she wants you in her home as a buffer between her and her husband, or to show him that she has support.

I would only be willing to stay if she said that she needed you to help her move out that weekend. And even then she would need to tell you a plan first.

Original poster
Flowers665 · 30/01/2025 21:54

devastatedagain · 30/01/2025 21:50

You don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her that it's difficult for you to stay with her when her other half is so hostile but she won't come and see you and thats ok?

She has a young child she doesn't want to trek halfway the country or leave with their dad and I understood both those things.

OP posts:
devastatedagain · 30/01/2025 21:55

What do you want from this thread @Flowers665 ? Genuinely?

pineapplebobbing · 30/01/2025 21:56

Flowers665 · 30/01/2025 21:48

I offered to stay in a hotel instead to make it easier for her/them but she insists I stay with them and obviously I don't want to say that I'd rather stay in a hotel and hurt her feelings.

Show quote history

Well, you can insist that you’re going to stay in a hotel! You don’t have to stay with her just because she says she prefers that. Just tell her you’ll be coming and staying in a hotel and don’t discuss it if she tries to insist you stay.

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 21:58

Flowers665 · 30/01/2025 21:48

I offered to stay in a hotel instead to make it easier for her/them but she insists I stay with them and obviously I don't want to say that I'd rather stay in a hotel and hurt her feelings.

Show quote history

You should be able to tell her that whilst you love her and want to see her, you feel uncomfortable staying over in the house due to the tension.

If that upsets her then she’s being unreasonable.

It sounds like your friend tends to get her way with you?

MayaPinion · 30/01/2025 22:01

You need to protect yourself first. It is reasonable to want to support your friend, but you are not her therapist and you are not her buffer. She is being unreasonable to put you in the middle of such an uncomfortable situation and it is fine to tell her so. It is not unreasonable to tell her that you want to visit and support her but will stay in a hotel and she is welcome to stay. They are sensible boundaries.

Peachygreen1 · 30/01/2025 22:08

devastatedagain · 30/01/2025 21:55

What do you want from this thread @Flowers665 ? Genuinely?

You seem to be sending lots of people very passive aggressive messages on different forums @devastatedagain .You’re clearly not happy. Maybe try doing something to work on yourself? Having a go at people of Mumsnet isn’t going to sort that

Greyish2025 · 30/01/2025 22:09

Flowers665 · 30/01/2025 21:50

Emotionally abusive amongst other horrible behaviour. Not physically violent to my knowledge.

Show quote history

How can she not understand you don’t want to stay with them after what she has told you….bizarre, most people wouldn’t want to stay in a household like that, she is being unreasonable.
Explain this to her and either stay in a hotel or don’t go at all.

I wonder what her thinking is that she so desperately wants you to stay there, is it so you can witness his behaviour and possibly then be a witness in court in the future if it gets to that

OneShoeShort · 30/01/2025 22:10

You are absolutely not unreasonable to not go stay in her home. But you should tell your friend why and present options you are ok with unless you want her to think you're pushing her away.

"[Friend], I would love to have some in-person time with you and daughter] but truthfully I just don't feel comfortable staying in your home around [husband]. I'd be happy to come visit and stay in a hotel nearby and of course I would love if you and [daughter] came to stay with me." If she dithers about those ask directly if she's worried about her husband trying to stop her going to visit you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/01/2025 22:28

Flowers665 · 30/01/2025 21:50

Emotionally abusive amongst other horrible behaviour. Not physically violent to my knowledge.

Show quote history

If she's trying to use you as a human shield, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

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