To not want to go and stay with my friend when her marriage is in trouble?

[Flowers665]

My friend is having a really rough time in her marriage. I'm doing everything I can to support her but I live far away which makes it harder because I cant pop round, meet her for walks etc. The only way of seeing each other is going to stay with each other, she can't meet halfway because she has a young child. The things she tells me about her husband are awful. I've only met him a few times and the last time I went to stay I didn't feel like he wanted me there. She wants me to go and stay again but I just don't feel very comfortable at all. But also feel like an awful friend if I don't go.

I would tell her straight - I want to visit and support you but would prefer not to stay with you - things are difficult for you and me physically staying in the house is not likely to help. And just stick to it - you are being understanding of why she can't /won't come to you and she needs to be the same with you. It is either stay near by or not stay at all.

I think you should tell your friend that you're happy to come and see her but that you will stay in a hotel as you don't feel that her husband is welcoming and it is too awkward to stay at her home. If she's a good friend surely she would be understanding and wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable. If she's not happy with that then I'm afraid she's not a good friend.

I have the same situation currently, my friend would love me to stay but since she told me what has been going on I just can't. I can't face seeing or looking her husband in the eye. I have stayed near her and she has come to me. I was open and told her I just couldn't face being in the same house or having to talk to him

Does her partner make it difficult for her to leave the house? Is that why she wants you to stay with her?

Seems like something an abuser would do, make it difficult for a partner to see friends outside the home and then act hostile when anyone visits so that partner ends up with no friends.

I'm worried she'll tell him if I say something like that.

Surely that would mean that you could never go to her house again if she had told her husband what you think about him?

Why are you worried she'll tell him? It seems unlikely seeing as it would mean he'd know she's complained about him to you! Even if he does know you don't like him, so what?

Exactly this. It's not your place to make yourself uncomfortable. You can't do this for her. It would be a really codependent thing to do and bad for you. You've offerred reasonable alternatives which already would cost you time and effort and money. This stuff is hard. I would love to rescue people but you shouldn't do stuff for people that they can do for themselves. It only ends up generating resentment. It's an uncomfortable position to put you in because you care. Probably more than her husband does.

Why wouldn’t you just stay there? It’s not about you, it’s about supporting your friend who needs you. Sure, maybe it’ll be a tad awkward if he acts like a dick but you’ll be with your friend and it’s only one or two nights. She is suffering through a relationship breakdown and living with him every day. I’m really surprised that so many people on here wouldn’t help out their friend in that situation.

Thai is also what I would do. Be direct and compassionate and really show up for her.