To not change my plans?

[Squashinthepinkcup]

I have two children, as do a lot of my friends. We met though various baby groups with our older ones and then had seconds all around the same time. They all had very calm first children. The type who you could take to a museum or enjoy a hot drink with in a cafe, or do something crafty. My eldest on the other hand never sat still and so we would spend our time outside in playgrounds, skate parks and beaches. I'd always invite my friends and they'd politely decline because they'd rather sit and drink coffee whilst their chilled children drew and played quietly. We did hang out when it was warm and dry, which was nice.

The second time around, most of these women had high energy children who don't sit still and find it easier to be outside with them. I however have a chilled one who is happy to sup OJ whilst I enjoy a coffee. We've even been to art galleries and museums together, it feels so very civilised! I also like going outside a lot, so we do a mix, but it's great to have options esp in the winter.

Anyway, tomorrow is national hot chocolate day (apparently) and #2 and I are planning to go to a lovely cafe in town, then visit a gallery which has a child friendly, free, drop in, craft club on. Have just had a text from one if the crew asking what we're up to tomorrow, and then saying 'oh x will never sit down long enough for me to enjoy a hot chocolate, and no interest in crafts! Can we do something else?! X has been running me ragged and I just need something where they can be free and I don't have to leap up every 5 seconds. It's been a very testing week.'

AIBU to say no? You never once offered to come out with me on the cold days when I had the fidgety kid. I feel like I'm being mean/unreasonable because I've been there, and I get it, whereas when the situation was reversed they were oblivious to just how much some kids need the outside and trying to sit and enjoy a coffee is like catching water in a sieve. I know when i was at that point I'd have been so grateful for someone to hang out with, have another kid to help entertain mine and an a grown up to talk to etc. But I am looking forward to tomorrow a lot, and don't really want to change plans.

Absolutely do not change your plans. Just say 'Already promised DC2 this day so as they're looking forward to it we'll stick with original plan. Catch up soon'

It's fine. Up to you but don't do it out of spite because they didn't understand how hard your kid was.

You promised your kid.
That's important. Showing you keep your promises is good role modelling.
Also, you don't want to.
So 2 good reasons to stick with plan a.

First Post nails it.

Is the hot chocolate/craft thing all day or can you do both?

If a friend was really struggling, I would probably try and make some time for her.

I wouldn't change your plans as both you and DC are looking forward to it.
"Oblivious" is correct, they simply didn't understand when you all had your first children. Now they do but your circumstances are different.

I would have to respond with oh I remember that with xxx (my first) but unfortunately I have promised DC2 this. Happy to meet you at xx park later or earlier though? (Only if you want too).

You need to do what is right for you. If you have the energy you could always meet up after if they are open to that suggestion

Not unreasonable to not change something that you and your child are looking forward to, but you seem to have a double standard here because it sounds like you are annoyed at them for not doing what suited you back then, when maybe they felt the same way as you do now-they wanted to do what worked for their child too. If a friend was asking and saying they were having a hard week, I would personally want to support them and arrange to meet them at the park after I was done with the hot chocolate id promised my child, but if you aren't interested in supporting your friend maybe you both need different friends that have children more suited to the same activities.

Not unreasonable to not change something that you and your child are looking forward to, but you seem to have a double standard here because it sounds like you are annoyed at them for not doing what suited you back then, when maybe they felt the same way as you do now-they wanted to do what worked for their child too. If a friend was asking and saying they were having a hard week, I would personally want to support them and arrange to meet them at the park after I was done with the hot chocolate id promised my child, but if you aren't interested in supporting your friend maybe you both need different friends that have children more suited to the same activities.

You don't have to change your plans. It was already planned! She asked you what you were up to, and you told her. I think its rude of her to say she didn't want to do that, and expects you to change your plans to suit her!

I wouldn't change plans but remember they didn't understand when you had your first. They do now and so do you

Thanks for the hot chocolate suggestion. I wouldn't change any plans that involved hot chocolate.

You are not unreasonable to not change your plans if you are doing it because that’s what you want to do and have agreed with ds. Yabu if you are doing it as some sort of petty revenge

Isn't it the same standard? They didn't change from what they wanted to do, so OP will do the same now?

Yes, I meant that she sounds annoyed or like they'd let her down when it was them sitting in the cafe, like maybe she thinks they should have been willing to change plans for her when now she's the one who gets to sit in the cafe and she doesn't want to change plans for her friend either. I don't think either of them are unreasonable, just probably need to find friends who want to do the same activities. Maybe she can find friends at the museum to craft with, and her friend can meet someone at the park :)

Hang on, did you even invite her to join you with your plans? Or has she just replied to your plans suggesting you all do something else when you hadn't even asked her to join you?

Anyway, it's rather rude of her to ask you what your plans were, then reply requesting they be changed, when you clearly had plans made!!

I'd just politely tell her that you're sticking with your plan as that's what you've already promised DC, and that you can do something together with her next week instead.

On a separate note, I just had to look it up! Are you in the US? It's National Hot Chocolate Day there tomorrow, but in the UK it's on 13th December!

Oo no I'm in the UK! Saw some article recommending hot chocolate cafes to visit tomorrow in my town because it's national hot chocolate day and thought that sounded like a winner.

I mean, any day can be hot chocolate day though right? 😅

Oh of course!! I've just promised my daughter one tomorrow thanks to your thread 😂

@Eenameenadeeka @PullTheBricksDown NGL there were times with #1 where I was a bit sad that they didn't once come and hang out with us in a playground (take for example a day like today where it was blissful blue skies and sunny, but still January temperatures, and I said we were hitting the playground would anyone like to come) but I recognised in myself that I was probably being a bit jealous and suffering from fomo and moved on. Now, because I've been there, I recognise that the kind thing to do here is to be that person for them, and show some solidarity when they're outside in all weathers, and so I feel like I'm being hella unreasonable to say no when I would have jumped for joy 3 years ago if they'd said yes to me in the same situation. I'm naturally the person who tries to support others even if it's not right for me in the moment (#1 and I tried the cafe thing a fair few times, wasn't fun!). Saying no to someone who's having a tiring time, especially a tiring time I know only too well, feels very alien to me. I'm more trying to tell myself it's okay to say no in this situation. The fact that they all said no when the situation was reversed is kinda spurring me to stick to my plans, but not in a petty way, more in a 'other people do this when it suits them so give yourself permission to do it when it suits you!' way. Maybe that is petty?! Idk.

I agree with the majority of replies - no need to change plans, just say you promised #2 that you would do the original plan.

You could “sympathise” and say “oh yes I remember what it was like with #1” if you want to hint at your point…

You're setting a very reasonable boundary here - you are doing what you planned, the alternative suggestion inconveniences you and (this is important I think) the downsides outweigh the benefits for you in this situation.
You are allowed to do things you want to enjoy. I'm assuming she asked, you said what you are doing and added something like 'feel free to join us'. She's come back with an alternative plan. If you were ambivalent about your plan and hers had positives then you'd presumably agree (ie your plan was 'hadn't really thought of anything, maybe rhyme time at the library' and she said 'how about hot choc and a walk in the woods seeing as its lovely outside', I doubt you'd then cut your nose off to spite your face and say 'no, on principle I WILL NOT go outside with you!').
Enjoy your hot choc!

(I'd probably say that you were going to do your plan, but if she fancied a takeaway hot choc in the park or whatever, you'd be free at x time-if you are!).

Tbh I would have joined you with my dc1 who was reasonably happy to sit in a cafe (perhaps not forever) and did enjoy crafts, just because I always thought it was important for kids to get outside in all weathers, and run around, and generally burn off energy/ be active.

So you did give your #1 something very important in always doing that in my opinion!

I don't think it's petty at all! You and your child have plans that you are both looking forward to, you don't have to change them when it doesn't suit. If there's a day where you don't have plans or it works for you to meet her at the playground that's great and I'm sure she would appreciate it but you aren't doing anything wrong. Enjoy your hot chocolate!