Can't give up drinking for one evening?!

[Bitterlemons3]

Hi all,
This is an argument I've had with my partner many, many times. He thinks he is right, I think I am.

We have one child together, high needs autistic with an undiagnosed sleep disorder-

Partner works full time I stay home with our son.

Partner gets a guaranteed 1 night off a week, when he's out I chill and go to bed early. When I'm out, he stays up all night drinking as soon as DS goes to bed. I've asked him many times not to do this, as I can never fully switch off and relax, I'm always watching the clock and watching what Im drinking so I can be home and sober incase DS wakes up.

Yesterday we had this argument again, I've said he stops me from being able to go out, I just don't feel like it's worth it knowing I'll more than likely be up all night with DS as soon as I get back in the door so I don't bother going out often.

I feel like one parent should always be alert and sober, he doesn't.

I'm genuinely considering leaving over this as I have been asking him for years not to do so. He doesn't respect my needs as a person, I feel.

AIBU??

How old is DS and does he wake up every night?

He is 3, not every single night we have maybe 2 good weeks out of 4, but can never tell when it's going to be a good or bad night.

Does your DP drink the nights you are home too?

No, just when I'm out

He only drinks to excess when you are out? That smacks of him using it to control you.

Is he drinking so much that he is unable to deal with DS. I had/have poor sleepers and I don’t drink more than 2 glasses of wine or I would be very ill but I could drink that much and still deal with the children.

So he only drinks on the one night you go out and he has to parent your child? Never any other time?

Could he not swap his drinking night to one when you're in?

This ^

See, he works nights, so after work he'll have 1-2 . On his days off when we are both in in the evenings, none. On the nights I'm out and he's in he'll get an 8 pack and drink them all 😶

You need to sit him down and explain how uneasy this makes you feel and spoils your night.

Then when he doesn't change make him get up the nights he's sober and off work as it's his turn.

I'd pay a babysitter. Play him at his own game. Tell him babysitter will be there from 6pm til 11pm or whatever you need and he can make himself scarce. He can pay for it. What a controlling twat. Get back to work, your husband is abusive you need your own money and a plan for the future.

8 cans, far too much in my opinion

Thought you were gonna say a babysitter for the DP 😆 not a bad idea I thought

Does he ever get up in the night with your son? (ie on other nights - not when you are out). Because if he doesn't, think its about time he starts!

I've actually never thought of it this way, I've always just thought that he considers his job done when Babs is asleep, but I think you might be right!

I can count on one hand the amount of times he has, many times we've been awake when he comes in from work, he says hello- goes to play the playstation for an hour then goes to bed

So essentially, you are only asking him to do some parenting if you are out but he is finding a way to make sure you still do it! I suggest you plan a weekend away and leave him to it! Maybe instead of an evening out go and stay with a friend?

This^
Get a job/study. You need a get out plan, if he’s not going to change.

Before immediately swallowing the paranoia pill that some people are so keen to dole out here, the easiest and most obvious conclusion would not be that he is a manipulating mastermind, but that he has an issue with drink. Drinking alone is one of the core tenants - could be that he is struggling with the cravings more when (ostensibly) alone and not watched. He might not even recognise it himself
Bear in mind that, sure, other posters might be right - all I’m advising is to look at the most obvious avenue first before building more resentment. If that’s wrong then yeah, go in guns blazing if you want.

Not OK. Its controlling. You're in the right - one responsible adult should always be sober when there's kids at home. I have a few friends who would disagree with me but they're also people who have obvious low level alcohol issues.

He does it so he knows you will take over as you will put your child first.

I'd pay a babysitter. Play him at his own game. Tell him babysitter will be there from 6pm til 11pm or whatever you need and he can make himself scarce. He can pay for it. What a controlling twat. Get back to work, your husband is abusive you need your own money and a plan for the future.

This. He's trying to make a point about how it's "your job" to look after the DC and make you feel guilty about it to stop you doing it. Pay for a babysitter, make it clear you aren't taking this nonsense.

I would be leaving too, as soon as you have the financial security to do so. A man who drinks himself into oblivion when he's required to look after his own child is not a man you want to build a family with.

@Antefatal

Before immediately swallowing the paranoia pill that some people are so keen to dole out here, the easiest and most obvious conclusion would not be that he is a manipulating mastermind, but that he has an issue with drink. Drinking alone is one of the core tenants - could be that he is struggling with the cravings more when (ostensibly) alone and not watched. He might not even recognise it himself

OK so he's an alcoholic as opposed to an abusive twat. And that's better because?

Sitting at home on your own and drinking 8 cans of beer is problem drinking territory. Just because we normalise it doesn't make it ok. I think you need to have a conversation with your partner about why he feels the need to do this.