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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't give up drinking for one evening?!

32 replies

Bitterlemons3 · 30/01/2025 21:06

Hi all,
This is an argument I've had with my partner many, many times. He thinks he is right, I think I am.

We have one child together, high needs autistic with an undiagnosed sleep disorder-

Partner works full time I stay home with our son.

Partner gets a guaranteed 1 night off a week, when he's out I chill and go to bed early. When I'm out, he stays up all night drinking as soon as DS goes to bed. I've asked him many times not to do this, as I can never fully switch off and relax, I'm always watching the clock and watching what Im drinking so I can be home and sober incase DS wakes up.

Yesterday we had this argument again, I've said he stops me from being able to go out, I just don't feel like it's worth it knowing I'll more than likely be up all night with DS as soon as I get back in the door so I don't bother going out often.

I feel like one parent should always be alert and sober, he doesn't.

I'm genuinely considering leaving over this as I have been asking him for years not to do so. He doesn't respect my needs as a person, I feel.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Bristolinfeb · 31/01/2025 07:23

Bitterlemons3 · 30/01/2025 21:21

See, he works nights, so after work he'll have 1-2 . On his days off when we are both in in the evenings, none. On the nights I'm out and he's in he'll get an 8 pack and drink them all 😶

I think he is doing it to control you.

The drink every night after work isn’t very healthy choice. Sounds like he is drinking far too much in a week.

Antefatal · 31/01/2025 08:30

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/01/2025 06:18

@Antefatal

Before immediately swallowing the paranoia pill that some people are so keen to dole out here, the easiest and most obvious conclusion would not be that he is a manipulating mastermind, but that he has an issue with drink. Drinking alone is one of the core tenants - could be that he is struggling with the cravings more when (ostensibly) alone and not watched. He might not even recognise it himself

OK so he's an alcoholic as opposed to an abusive twat. And that's better because?

Um… probably because one’s an illness… and one’s literally a conscious decision to abuse his spouse…

What a weird question.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/01/2025 08:51

@Antefatal

Um… probably because one’s an illness… and one’s literally a conscious decision to abuse his spouse…
What a weird question.

The impact on the OP is the same regardless of whether he's doing it to be a controlling arse or because he can't help himself. Although the fact that the only does it on the nights OP is out tends to suggest he can help himself but chooses not to.

Either way his behaviour is endangering his child and restricting the OP. I'm not sure the "he's an alcoholic so he can't help it" argument is particularly compelling either.

In either scenario he's not a good dad or partner and she should leave.

Antefatal · 31/01/2025 09:05

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/01/2025 08:51

@Antefatal

Um… probably because one’s an illness… and one’s literally a conscious decision to abuse his spouse…
What a weird question.

The impact on the OP is the same regardless of whether he's doing it to be a controlling arse or because he can't help himself. Although the fact that the only does it on the nights OP is out tends to suggest he can help himself but chooses not to.

Either way his behaviour is endangering his child and restricting the OP. I'm not sure the "he's an alcoholic so he can't help it" argument is particularly compelling either.

In either scenario he's not a good dad or partner and she should leave.

All the above is how you feel about it, not OP. For all we know it could make the world of difference to her. One is a choice and one is a compulsion. This is likely to have every effect on her decision making, understanding and emotional response, plus how she chooses to handle this.

Thankfully I’m not trying to construct a compelling argument for you (although why medical evidence and science isn’t sufficiently compelling, I don’t know). I’m just offering another avenue of approach to OP.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/01/2025 11:07

@Antefatal

All the above is how you feel about it, not OP. For all we know it could make the world of difference to her. One is a choice and one is a compulsion. This is likely to have every effect on her decision making, understanding and emotional response, plus how she chooses to handle this.

Of course, the nature of a discussion board is that people have different perspectives.

Obviously the OP has to make the decision but I still don't understand why him being an alcoholic or a problem drinker is better than him being an abusive arse.

cadburyegg · 31/01/2025 11:52

He's an alcoholic.

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/02/2025 11:26

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/01/2025 11:07

@Antefatal

All the above is how you feel about it, not OP. For all we know it could make the world of difference to her. One is a choice and one is a compulsion. This is likely to have every effect on her decision making, understanding and emotional response, plus how she chooses to handle this.

Of course, the nature of a discussion board is that people have different perspectives.

Obviously the OP has to make the decision but I still don't understand why him being an alcoholic or a problem drinker is better than him being an abusive arse.

Because one is pointed, deliberate and personal and the other is not.

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