How is your Parter or Husband supporting you during pregnancy?

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm trying to work out what's reasonable to expect from my situation.

I'm 7 months pregnant now, but I'm still taking out the bins, collecting food boxes, and have cooked most meals this week (usually we share the cooking at least).

My dear husband (DH) made a New Year's resolution to go to the gym daily, and he even went last night at 10 PM after a meal with wine! He's currently sick but still going. It appears he will prioritise work and gym at all costs.

He does a lot of housework and isn't useless at all, but it seems like he's trying to squeeze things in before the baby arrives, at the detriment of not really helping support me as a team member like I think he should.

While he does handle many household duties, the bin situation is starting to frustrate me. I've been managing them for over ten years, and he won't empty them even when they're overflowing. He justifies this by saying he does lots of other things - which he does, but not the specific things I need help with right now to support me during my pregnancy.

What is your husband or partner doing to directly support you?

Sorry if I'm being dim, why do you specifically need him to do the bins if he does lots else / they've never been his chore? Is it a physical thing as in you actually can't do them being pregnant?

At 36 weeks pregnant with twins my partner is pretty much doing everything in the house now. All laundry, cooking and cleaning. We have a 2 year old who I was looking after a lot but now my partner has taken annual leave from today to be around more for her now too (our twins are being born next Friday by c section so I only have a week left).
However partner wasn’t doing 100% until maybe a week or two ago before then I would do what I could - odd load of laundry, a meal or two a week, dishwasher, hoover round a bit but nothing excessive etc. I’d say it was more a 70/30 split maybe and that probably started around 7 months mark.
I think as you get into 3rd trimester partners need to step up. It’s hard, painful and tiring!! I’d sit him down and have a chat about what you can and can’t realistically manage. He’s going to need to step it up when baby arrives so he might as well start now and support you in your last few months of pregnancy!!
Good luck x

I don’t think this sounds like a pregnancy issue? You say he does a lot of house work but the bin thing is the issue for you but it’s been 10 years. So it’s just a bin issue not the fact that you’re pregnant?

I’m pregnant with my 2nd and don’t really need more help with anything other than I wouldn’t lift heavy stuff. Still work full time still run around after a toddler. Granted in the first tri he had to do all the cooking because I couldn’t deal with the smell of the kitchen but now I’m back to normal I just crack on like every day.

Umm, at 7 months pregnant I think i was just getting on with life. You're not sick you're pregnant. Aside from heavy lifting and staying away from clearing up animal waste type jobs, I can't imagine what you can't do? I'd probably abstain from cleaning the bathtub or shower incase I slipped, other than that????

It's obviously your first, so just try to imagine it's your 2nd or 3rd and you're pregnant PLUS running about after toddlers.

Are you working? Are you feeling lonely because you've given up work already and he's still going to work and pursuing the gym. To be fair if he's consciously decided to go to the gym a lot now, because he knows he has to give it up when the baby arrives i think that's a good attitude/compromise.

When I was pregnant, it was just that - pregnant. I wasn't sick or disabled in any way. I went to the gym and lifted heavy barbells, bins weren't an issue. In fact I was getting quite frustrated with my mum who wouldn't let me carry shopping to the car. So the only way my partner was supporting me is by making endless cups of ginger tea when I was feeling sick as a dog in the first 8 weeks.
He wasn't doing bins for 10 years. It couldn't have come as a surprise to you.

When I’m pregnant I am sick and bedbound with HG so he has had to do everything for most of the first 5 months at least.

If you’d like him to do the bins then can you just ask? And you can do some things which are easier for you (assuming the bins are difficult, rather than you just don’t want to?). If you usually split the cooking has that changed because of the gym or has this week just been especially busy for some reason?

If there are specific things you need help with, I think you need to communicate that to him.

I am single by choice and headed into my third trimester. So naturally, I do everything myself. I also work full time 12.5hr nursing shifts. It’s hard but it’s my choice so I just get on with it as no one will do it for me.

Why not communicate with him if you are unhappy with your “tasks”?

I’ve asked, it happened again today and the bins are piling up so he leaves stuff next to the bin. This week he emptied some stuff from a cupboard and left a full bin bag next to the bin because it didn’t fit. How fucking ridiculous so he decided to fill a bag of something and still left it for me. He accuses me of not doing as much house work as him which is maybe slightly true with tasks that need doing less frequently but as the tasks that require a lot of frequency he’s a liar.

I'm 8 months pregnant now. In 15 years he's taken them out less than 10 times. His argument is that he does more housework (he spends about 30 mins daily cleaning the kitchen) and "it's my one job."

Thing is, I manage all our household finances, social calendar, meal planning, shopping, cleaner coordination, and supplies. I even feed his cats every morning (which I never wanted but he insisted on getting). I've adapted to his preferences like immediate washing up and emptying drying racks.

I'm not asking him to take over completely - just help occasionally while I'm heavily pregnant. Even one time in ten would make me feel better. The bins are heavy and awkward now with my bump, but he won't budge because "it's my job." As I’m still going to the gym he says I’m just “making excuses and can manage”.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting occasional help with this one physical task during pregnancy, given everything else I manage? It's really starting to get to me.

Why do you have his and her jobs. Why have you been managing the bins for years. That's without pregnancy. If something needs doing either of us do it. If the bin is full one of us will do it same as filling and emptying dishwasher. So if you ask him to empty the bin for you he would refuse.

It doesn't sound like this has anything to do with your pregnancy though. Pregnancy shouldn't hold you back from doing anything (within reason obviously!) I do agree with him, if you are well enough to go to the gym why would he assume you need help with bins?
You don't need to wrap yourself in cotton wool. I was still working 12.5 hr shifts (obviously stopped a few weeks before), doing heavy gardening, digging etc right up until the end and I think it actually helped me in labour.
Maybe you could ask if you could switch up jobs? Has he been supportive in general?
And congratulations 😊

Fair enough. I've started to agree with some posters maybe I'm just being lazy!!

But it's just those days when I'm real tired - there's no mention of any help and I guess it just gets to me.

My husband would cook dinner when I was to nauseated with my pregnancies. Other than that, things stayed the same.

Everyone feels differently in pregnancy. If you feel like you need a bit more support and help- just ask him. He probably has no idea how you feel physically and emotionally.
My husband bought a book when I was pregnant, can't remember what it was called but it was basically a week by week account of what I was experiencing and how he could help.
He probably would have been oblivious to it all otherwise 😂talk to him OP.

@steff13 did that bother you?

@User21012025 it sounds like your partner is empathetic. Mine has zero whatsoever.

He would never buy a book google how I'm feeling.

Today for example, we are supposed to meet friends then ten minutes before he tells me he has to collect something and for me to drive to meet him then we go together. I'm tired, didn't want to drive and it then means collecting my car on the way back. I told him no until eventually I gave in and we were late.

He then didn't tell me he'd arranged lunch with these people at a Chinese restaurant despite me telling him all throughout my pregnancy I've gone off soy sauce and Chinese based food, so I said I'll rain separate then just sit with them for a drink which I honestly didn't mind and saw as a compromise.

He said that would be silly and that I've ruined the day.

Maybe he should have been more considerate.

It's just, grating

I wouldn’t be putting up with always taking the bins out- pregnant or not! He can bloody share FFS. Just tell him.

@Tandora he does more around the house than me generally so I do get it but it's the pettiness and inflexibility of the fact no matter how tired I am or what state they're in he won't do it.

He did it once this week in exchange for me cleaning the grill 🤷‍♀️

He should be doing the lion’s share of chores.

Oh this is ridiculous, he has a weird mentality OP, going by this and your previous update re the Chinese restaurant.

Is this your first child?

This nonsense isn't gonna fly when the child is born is it. I'm not getting team-player vibes from him - hopefully I'm way off the mark though.

@ShouldIEvenBother you've hit the nail on the head.

We started marriage counselling a few weeks ago because of how he doesn't work as a team. It's creating problems.

I can definately be selfish at times but often it's fuelled by him doing something to tip me off.

He tries to 'make me happy' through ways I didn't ask and misses the small things. Like this.

We went to the Chinese restaurant the same one he tried to drag me to today a few weeks ago it's not like I didn't try, and I don't throw up but I just don't enjoy the taste as much as other things. And I would have ate separate to them so I didn't see the issue and had a nibble and drink instead.

It's really getting me down

@ShouldIEvenBother yea it's my first child.

He did something else I thought was incredibly childish and mean.

We are going to London for a work event three weeks before my C-section. He said after the event (which is a massively busy day - travel for three hours, do a three-hour exhibition, then attend an awards ceremony in the evening typically lasting four hours which will end around 11PM-midnight) - to which I've agreed to go. I was debating whether to attend but decided to just do it.

His work is having another event the day after at 1:30PM, it's only a team building activity like go karting it isn't mandatory or corporate like an awards or exhibition. He said he must leave at 9AM in order to make this event.

For a start, the journey back is three hours, not four and a half. I asked if we could please push back until 9:30AM as it would be nice to have a little lie-in, given I will probably be exhausted the next day.

He categorically refused, saying he will drive separately and we must leave at 9AM so he doesn't miss the social event, and that I'm being silly for the sake of half an hour. He pointed out that I usually wake up at 8AM, so what difference would this day make.

I explained to him that all of the physical exertion the day before will wipe me out, but he still wasn't having it.

It crushed me. I don't understand how, after explaining this to someone, they cannot just say "OK."

Your joints and muscles at this point will be loosening up to prepare for birth. Its much much easier to injure yourself when you're pregnant. No matter what else is going on, leaving full bins for you to pick up is a duck move

I agree it is extremely petty and not supportive. are you sure he is doing more than you? Men tend to overestimate how much they do and women tend to underestimate.:

I assume it was his idea to go to the Chinese restaurant again today, despite you making it clear that due to pregnancy your palette has changed?

And if my assumption here is correct then that's really not very nice of him - i would feel unheard and like I'm being set up to "fail" in some way if this was me. It's like being set up to be blamed for ruining another day - you can't win because you're not allowed to be yourself. The other option is to lie to keep the peace. "Yes dear, I absolutely love this type of food whilst I'm pregnant", which he absolutely knows is not the case.

What on earth is wrong with him? Has he got worse since you became pregnant?