How is your Parter or Husband supporting you during pregnancy?

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm trying to work out what's reasonable to expect from my situation.

I'm 7 months pregnant now, but I'm still taking out the bins, collecting food boxes, and have cooked most meals this week (usually we share the cooking at least).

My dear husband (DH) made a New Year's resolution to go to the gym daily, and he even went last night at 10 PM after a meal with wine! He's currently sick but still going. It appears he will prioritise work and gym at all costs.

He does a lot of housework and isn't useless at all, but it seems like he's trying to squeeze things in before the baby arrives, at the detriment of not really helping support me as a team member like I think he should.

While he does handle many household duties, the bin situation is starting to frustrate me. I've been managing them for over ten years, and he won't empty them even when they're overflowing. He justifies this by saying he does lots of other things - which he does, but not the specific things I need help with right now to support me during my pregnancy.

What is your husband or partner doing to directly support you?

@Tandora

Well, that's a good point because this week, for example, I've spent approximately 12 hours viewing 8 nurseries, attending a scan and midwife appointment, but those things don't get counted. I bring them up, but you're correct - he secretly sees it as "I'm pregnant and it's not 'housework'" so it gets dismissed.

He's going away this week for a whole week for his 40th birthday celebration and then a stag do two weeks before my C-section, and I have barely complained. There doesn't seem to be any acknowledgement or gratefulness at all for my sacrifices, and it's getting me down.

He just sees it as biology isn't his fault that I am pregnant - but I explain to him it isn't the point. I would just like him to show gratitude by offering things to me sometimes, especially in these crucial stages - not all the time, but now would be great.

@ShouldIEvenBother worse on pregnancy he has become but I also think it's because the situation just highlights it more.

It didn't matter before as I was independent and mobile. But now it's of course different.

It was either his idea or one of his friends to go I'm not sure but it certainly wasn't mine and he didn't tell me the plan until we were on the way and his friend said are we still joining them so I assume he agreed with it consultation and then told his friend no as we're late anyway

Given your other recent updates OP, i suspect he does not expect his life to have to change at all once the baby arrives. He is resistant to having to acknowledge and act accordingly given that your needs understandably have changed due to being pregnant (being more tired than usual for example). It's just an annoyance for him, isn't it?

I honestly would advise you to also get some counselling for yourself - I'm not sure joint marriage counselling is advisable as he is rather self centred and not exactly behaving like the loving husband I'm sure you hoped you had married. He's missing a chip in his brain, the empathy one that puts others before himself.

I would focus on what you want and need right now, and reach out to family and friends if need be.

@ShouldIEvenBother I did lots of counselling before the marriage stuff but it started to feel like he should be involved.

Since then he was reluctant to come but now appears to enjoy it but more so to try and highlight I am the one with the problem. He even said I should really be going he doesn't need it!!!

He really thinks my hormones are all to blame and there's nothing wrong he is doing

The single counselling won't help him change.

Our counsellor recommended a book, I've already started it. He won't read it.

I'm just so angry the lack of empathy is really showing up with pregnancy

This is the danger of doing the joint counselling - he is now weaponising it. It sounds like there is a constant theme of 'one-upmanship' going on with him. E.g. he doesn't need to read the book the counsellor suggested, and he calls the shots in your combined daily life, regardless of your feelings and needs.

Counselling for just yourself would be beneficial for helping you to unpack where you go from here, and what the right thing for you to do is moving forwards.

This sounds like it is far beyond your original post OP. I apologise for my original reply minimising it. He sounds like he has no awareness or empathy whatsoever. Unless he is just incredibly self-centered? Or just plain stupid.

Having read your posts again, his inflexibility and lack of awareness for other peoples feelings remind me of my brother who has autism. I do not mean this negatively in any way, they are just traits my brother has. He is the most amazing person in many many ways. But it does sound similar.

First pregnancy I felt pretty good all the way through and could still do most jobs (panic built a crib from flat pack at 39 weeks when it arrived when husband was at work).

Second pregnancy I was older and had some issues; I was anaemic and had hip problems so husband did pretty much everything. The only thing I did do was the school run as he couldn't due to work and it was tiring and painful. The rest of the time I just napped on the sofa or sat at my desk for work till the baby came as it was painful and exhausting to do anything.

Nope. I mean, we split the chores and childcare the same as we always did, other then him cooking dinner when I was too nauseated. I was the main breadwinner and I worked full-time until my due date for all three pregnancies, I just got on with it mostly.

*I understand that we all experience pregnancy differently, I'm just speaking to my personal experience.

I have pain getting up, sitting, walking etc in pregnancy and usually entirely bedbound for the last month or so - so... Umm my partner does everything. He currently does most of the looking after my toddler, all childcare drop offs and pick ups, cooks all meals and nearly all housework.

It depends how unwell you are pregnant I'd say!

Did he want this child?

@User21012025 recent months I have started to suspect he has autism, certainly he is neurodiverse.

I never realised this until few months ago.

But surely then he admits this too so should be working on it? Having autism doesn't mean still blaming someone else for everything?!

@Snoopdoggydog123 we had years of fertility problems and then decided to give up, but then this surprised us six months after giving up so in his head maybe he came round to the idea of not anymore.

Has he been diagnosed with anything?

@User21012025 not officially. But all the songs are there when we read up on it and he often acknowledges he has it.

I would suggest official testing then.

'But surely then he admits this too so should be working on it? Having autism doesn't mean still blaming someone else for everything?!'* *

It is hard to describe, but from MY experience autistic people live very much within their own headspace.
It does not mean they do not care, more like they don't know how.
I wish you all the best to you both OP.

@User21012025 he would never get a diagnosis, he wouldn't see the point.

Thank you

Update;

I asked him to take the bins out this week as they have overflowed, and the bin is on wheels but is very heavy. I've been exhausted these last two days. Every time I asked, he would say "in a bit" and wouldn't take them out. The bins are collected fortnightly, and if you forget and miss collection, you literally have nowhere to put your food waste for two weeks.

It's a pain in the arse, so I've reminded him in the last 48 hours four or five times. He still never took them out, and now the bins have gone without being collected. I blew up this morning. I just can't take it. I am 36 weeks pregnant, struggling a bit, asking for help one time. This is only the second time I've asked him to take the bins out in the whole nine months - the fucking second time - and it was a big shit show.

He then decides to throw back in my face that he asked me to empty food out of the fridge three days ago, which I actually did two days ago. He starts throwing things back at me from totally unrelated matters - things he's asked of me that I haven't done, which are not the same thing as there is no deadline on those things. Now we have no bins for two weeks.

He hates whenever there's an issue that he has with me and I throw unrelated things in the mix. He literally hates it, but yet he can do the same back. I've had enough, and now I feel guilty because I just shouted so badly and I'm worried I might have hurt the baby.

His first response, the bin is on wheels and I could have managed!!

What a nasty thing to say to your heavily pregnant wife. What hurts me is that I've asked literally nothing of him this pregnancy. I've not once asked him to cook my dinner or rarely, I have asked nothing of him whatsoever.

He's been on holidays is going again next week loving his life normally and I ask for one bin collection and all hell breaks loose.

He does pull his weight with everything but why can't I ask for a little thing when heavily pregnant? I could have dragged the bins probably but last time they overflowed like this it was manageable but v difficult.

Why do I have to suffer? Why can't he just have took the fucking bin

Let’s be honest. This marriage is dead isn’t it OP?

@HereintheloveofChristIstand is like to think not!! Is this latest update that bad?! Could you please expand rather than make flippant comments

Squabbling about bins, who does what, I do more than you/No you don’t/yes I do, fussing about 30 mins difference in leaving time…it’s like a pair of students, not two mature people about to be parents, especially for the first time.

@HereintheloveofChristIstand is it my fault? Should have just found a way to take the bins to save argument?

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack its not your fault at all. Your DP is suffering from a serious lack of empathy/ care/ respect for his heavily pregnant partner. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this- it’s the last thing you need. Please don’t worry about shouting , it won’t have hurt your baby at all xx

OP I'm really worried for you. It sounds to me like controlling, I'm loving behaviour that's either just that - controlling - or because he's paving the way to leave and has someone on the side.

I'm really sorry.