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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do as a parent in this scenario?

32 replies

Yu6 · 30/01/2025 14:52

You are married with a daughter in her early thirties. Your daughter was pregnant and her partner kept drinking to excess so the relationship broke down when he drove under the influence, at which point daughter was 5 months pregnant. Daughter obviously devastated and living around a 1.5 hour drive from you, working full time and now living alone. She’s not coping well and feeling vulnerable and anxious about the future.

As a parent what would you have done to support her?

OP posts:
NormaleKartoffeln · 30/01/2025 14:53

Is this a reverse?

curtaintwitcher78 · 30/01/2025 14:54

Do you want us to say your mother should have invited you to live with her?
Depends on her living situation and your relationship.
There's not much to go on here.

Dishwashersaurous · 30/01/2025 14:54

Talked to her. Provided as much emotional support as possible. Visited at the weekends as much as possible

Motomum23 · 30/01/2025 14:54

I would have asked if she wanted to move back home if possible or made regular trips to see her if that wasn't desired/possible.
Problem is if you are the daughter then I can tell you from experience some mums are utter shite- mine told me f off and die when I was 17 and had slashed my wrists after SA. If you are the daughter then huge hugs- you csn get through it all on your own. Stay strong. Xx

MissyB1 · 30/01/2025 14:55

It would depend on what it was possible for me to do. If I was free to go and stay for a few weeks to help her work out solutions then I would.

BarbaraHoward · 30/01/2025 14:55

OP what did your mum do and what would you have wanted her to do? And why didn't she do it?

We can speculate all you want but without specifics it's unlikely to be applicable or helpful.

TheMumEdit · 30/01/2025 14:55

Drink driving aside this was my situation. My parents did nothing. I’d made my bed apparently

BigSilly · 30/01/2025 14:56

Call her every day maybe. I am not sure because it depends what the daughter wants

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/01/2025 14:56

I would have let my daughter know she is always welcome to come home and we will help in whatever way we can/however she wants.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2025 14:56

I would ask her what she wants me to do.

Speaking from personal experience, she'll need the most help when the baby is born.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 30/01/2025 14:56

I would encourage her to come home and go visit as much as I could in the meantime.

Mums have jobs and responsibilities too so it’s hard to drop everything to be there.

Octavia64 · 30/01/2025 14:57

Phone calls.

Offered money for cleaner etc to help with everyday stuff

Offered to go up and support in person

My mum would have (and in similar situation) offered nothing and told me to deal with it.

Whoarethoseguys · 30/01/2025 15:00

I don't know it depends on the circumstances.
I would be very worried and but I don't know what practically I could do. If she wanted to come back home to live she would be welcome but apart from that what do you think a parents should/could do?

YourHappyJadeEagle · 30/01/2025 15:03

I’d have fetched her home asap.

xRobin · 30/01/2025 15:05

Yu6 · 30/01/2025 14:52

You are married with a daughter in her early thirties. Your daughter was pregnant and her partner kept drinking to excess so the relationship broke down when he drove under the influence, at which point daughter was 5 months pregnant. Daughter obviously devastated and living around a 1.5 hour drive from you, working full time and now living alone. She’s not coping well and feeling vulnerable and anxious about the future.

As a parent what would you have done to support her?

I’d have maybe called her, offered to visit her, talk it through, see what her options are etc.
Offered a shoulder to cry on, a cuddle, some cake and then based on her options and choices, took it from there.
Mums to adult children are little more than guidance and a hand to hold I think.

Dweetfidilove · 30/01/2025 15:09

Talk to her and find out how she needs me to support her (not the imbecile).
Go to her if possible.
Have her home, at least for a while. Again, if possible.

Member984815 · 30/01/2025 15:14

I'd ask what kind of support she wanted /needed and try to help where I could . Help get through the fog of confusion and just talk things out or maybe just listen

Dishwashersaurous · 30/01/2025 15:15

And also some people's reactions might be coloured by what had gone before.

Years of telling her to leave the alcohol and not get pregnant and perhaps significant financial support. Which had then been thrown back through no contact and being ignored. Mother might be less willing to do lots

Bluevelvetsofa · 30/01/2025 15:16

It depends on so many variables.

The mother/ daughter relationship and father/ daughter relationship.
Whether the parents are working and whether full or part time, if they are.
Whether they have money to pay for help in the house.
Whether the daughter can go and stay with them, or vice versa.
Does the ex partner plan to be involved with the baby.

Of course the daughter is anxious about the future. Most expectant parents are. Would it be better for people to be supporting or staying after the baby is born.

Zippidydoodah · 30/01/2025 15:17

This must be a reverse. I don’t think my mum would have invited me to live with her, but she would have come to visit and done a bit of cleaning while she was here. She would also ring me often to check on me.

If it was my daughter……I’d probably do the same.

Dishwashersaurous · 30/01/2025 15:18

Also depends on housing tenure and working. If daughter is working full time with a mortgage, and he's moved out, then moving an hour and a half away wouldn't help.

DoubleDoubleDown · 30/01/2025 15:20

Not much go on, but I would imagine you're able to support yourself, house & job wise. Early 30's I'd be offering a listening ear rather than giving advice & ask if you want me to come to you.

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 15:20

I’m guessing you are DD and this is a reverse. Without knowing the situation and everyone’s circumstances it’s hard to comment.

purplecorkheart · 30/01/2025 15:20

Surely, there must be a lot of factors in this. Is the mother married to the daughter's father? Is she working full-time? Are they depending on this income? Can she take leave easily? How was her relationship with her daughter before this? Is the daughter willing to leave her job etc and move home?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/01/2025 15:22

With my relationship with my daughter, I’d be going and getting her and bringing her home for TLC. But also, I have the time and space and funds for that.