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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my DCs that their Dad has gone on holiday (again) ...

39 replies

PersephoneSnape · 07/05/2008 12:36

instead of telling them that he's trying to dry out - again.

three Dcs dd(12) dS1(10) and Ds2(8) single parent for last seven years, but attempt to have reasonable relationship with their dad, even though he can be a fuckwit on occasion. Have just started children having overnight stays after a couple of months of no-overnighters due to him and his gf having a blazing row, including physical violence while dcs were at his house. Ex is an alcoholic who has been in various rehab programmes over the last five years or so, none of which have 'stuck' and he's always fallen back in the bottle

he had a 'episode' at weekend, which led to him being hospitalised. (raging and threatenning to self harm.) His parents and gf took him to doctors and he has appointment with alcohol team/CPN in next week or so. There is a possibility of residential rehab again. he's been told not to try to stop drinking on his own. (if anyone has any experience, is that true? or an alcoholics lie?) but he has been told to gradually cut down and has librium.

I won't let kids anywhere near him. have told 12 year old dd (very mature) what is happenning - she's absolutely mortified. I think i will tell my boys that he's on holiday, because i honestly can't face up to telling them that dad is in rehab again. Is that unreasonable? am i lying to protect them, or their opinion of him? I certainly don't think that I'm lying to protect or preserve his relationship with the children from his pov, as that's his job. So tired of this constant alcohol-fuelled roller-coaster.

OP posts:

hertsnessex · 07/05/2008 13:00

Sorry you are going through this. you have to tell your dc's whatever you feel comfortable with telling them.

testosteroneoverload · 07/05/2008 13:05

i have no experience in this situation but have spent my entire life around kids of all ages, so will not be ofended if you think im talking rubish,
if your children are quite mature i think they will be more hurt to find out you have lied and they obviously will need to be able to completely trust you and have no doubts in what you say (not just know but for the rest of your lives),
also i dont think its fair you tell one and not the others about the situation the pressure of keeping a secret is not good for any child,and it might divde the kids and cause disruption between them instead of them being there for each other, we always teach our kids to be honest so we as parents need to lead and do the same , my mum lied a lot to me "for my own good" as a child. Now i dont trust anything she says and believe very little of what she tells me , it means i dont know what about my childhood to believe. I know you want whats best for your kids but wrapping them up in cotton wool wont help them . why not see if their dad will write to them to explain why he cant have them after all its he who fecked up, i hope everything pans out ok, just remember all that matters are you and your kids! be honest with them but with out grusome details, stay strong!
good luck what ever you decide

controlfreakyagain · 07/05/2008 13:05

why would you lie? how will dd feel having this "secret" from her brothers? imo alcoholics / addicts feed on secrecy and lies and you shouldnt perpetuate this shield him from the consequences of his choices. what's wrong with he's ill because he's been drinking too much and doctors / a hospital need to try to help him get better.....

controlfreakyagain · 07/05/2008 13:06

snap!

chamaeleon · 07/05/2008 13:07

tough one. my ex is very into drugs and i wont lie to my kids about his behaviour because i want them to see that taking too many drugs causes behaviour like his. i worry that if i lie he will tell them drugs are great and they will turn out like him. however you know your kids best. how will they feel if they get to 15 and find out you were lying? will they understand your reasons behind it? are they mature enough for the truth? tbh i think yanbu whichever way you do it, you sound like you are doing a very good job of dealing with a very difficult situation.

batters · 07/05/2008 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverfrog · 07/05/2008 13:12

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Agree, though, that you shouldn't tell one child but not the others. It would be very hard for your dd (no matter how mature) to bear the burden of keeping secrets from her brothers.

You could, though, soften what you tell your boys. maybe? So a glossed over "daddy isn't feeling well, so needs to get better" rather than the full truth? Am no expert, but to me at least this way all 3 children know that something is wrong, so no major secret for dd to keep, but knowing differing degrees of facts about life is a part of having children of differing ages.

Quattrocento · 07/05/2008 13:14

There is a difference between telling children and burdening them emotionally by expecting them to support you. I think the two are getting confused here by some posters.

I am in favour of openness and honesty. Children can deal with truth. Then support them.

testosteroneoverload · 07/05/2008 13:17

chameleon, i agree and i definatley think their dad needs to have some in put into telling them, after all its all down to him putting a shadow over their childhoods, and if its done by letter you never know it might bring it home to him what he's done!
writing is a powerfull thing!

silverfrog · 07/05/2008 13:18

have just re-read your OP - you say "because i honestly can't face up to telling them that dad is in rehab again", so presumably your dss already know about your ex's problem, and previous rehab attempts, etc?

If that is so, then you definitely cannot lie to them. They will find out and wonder hat else you may have been economical witht he truth about.

Agree with Quattro, children can handle the truth.

batters · 07/05/2008 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

testosteroneoverload · 07/05/2008 13:21

yes igree the kids shouldnt be burdened but just told enough for it not to be lying to them. if that makes sense. they dont need details just basic facts if they feel they need to know more they will ask, kids are good at asking what they want to now about, secrets dont help anyone!

silverfrog · 07/05/2008 13:21

But I think an 8 year old will be noticing things aren't right too, batters (I know I did, by that age) and so to not tell the truth is akin to papering over cracks - the children know somehting is up, but no-one is talking to them.

kitbit · 07/05/2008 13:21

Absolutely what QC said. You don't have to tell them the truth in technicolour detail, but don't tell them any lies either. And ask them if they have any questions too. At that age (8+) I would have appreciated being told the truth even if I wasn't able to understand all of the adult implications I think, and it will also save having to compound any lies later on.

PosieParker · 07/05/2008 13:22

I would tell them the truth, but before you do why don't you try calling one of the alcoholic's support lines, is there one for families. Tell them your concerns and see if they can give you a clear route to telling your children. They probably know anyway given their ages. Alcoholism is an illness.

Youcannotbeserious · 07/05/2008 13:23

Hi,

I just wanted to say that it is probably true that he's been told not to stop drinking completely.....

I've never heard of anyone being told to 'keep drinking' but I do know of a ocuple of guys who were recommended not to stop and go cold turkey.... Apparently the body can react badly to that and it can be just as dangerous.

I think when an alcoholic becomes so severely addicted to alcohol, there has to be a 'weaning' process to physically prepare the body for living without alcohol.

Can you speak to AA? they have family support groups? Have your children been asked to write or talk about how their dads drinking / behaviour while drinking affects them? That can be a powerful tool on the road to recovery.

YCBS x

batters · 07/05/2008 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

testosteroneoverload · 07/05/2008 13:28

spot on posie parker/silverfrog its definatly best to speak to those who see this all the time but at the end of the day you know your kids the best go with your gut instinct if they know he has issues with alchol then it probably wont be a surprise to the kids.

HonoriaGlossop · 07/05/2008 13:29

Agree with truth. And do think you just mustn't tell one child and not the others, it's unfair on all of them, particularly the child who knows.

Totally agree that as kitbit says, you appreciate being told the truth even if you are too young to understand all the implications.

Children CAN deal with the truth about this issue I think if it's couched in the right terms.

I don't think that telling them that their dad wants to stop drinking alcohol, and has gone to a place where there are people trained to help him, would be damaging them in any way at all. If you're matter of fact about it so will they be.

kitbit also makes a good point about asking them if they have any questions. It's so important they feel they can ask things.

mamalovesmojitos · 07/05/2008 13:31

i see batter's side of things. but i do think you should tell them gently. you sound like you are strong and you will be able to explain that it is not your fault.

dd's dad has problems, though not as bad. when i asked my counseller how i'm going to keep it from dd over the next few years she said under no circumstances should i keep things quiet.

she said that dd could maybe notice his absence already and that i should always be gently matter of fact with her on the issue. and she is only four!!! according to her children sense secrets and guilt and often blame it on themselves.

so sorry you have to deal with this.

mamalovesmojitos · 07/05/2008 13:32

your fault?? THEIR fault.

batters · 07/05/2008 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VictorianSqualor · 07/05/2008 13:46

Personally, I'd tell them, my DD knows her Dad is an alcoholic and uses drugs, she also knows he ahs been in prison for fighting, I wasn;t going to tell her but one day I got fed up with lying for hima nd told ehr about his drinking (which she'd pretty much worked out for herself) I didn't tell her everythign at once but it got to a point where I wanted her to know that he is an idiot, with problems and that it has nothing to do with her, and I felt she was mature enough to understand.
She is only 7, but took it in her stride and seems to understand well, she knwos the basics of his problems, not too many details, but that drugs and alcohol can make people behave badly and some people, i.e. her dad become addicted to them.
It depends on the child, on your relationship with them and on theirs with their father, but personally I'd tell them.

testosteroneoverload · 07/05/2008 13:50

vic you sound like you have your head screwed on the right way and sounds like you and your daughter are very lucky to have each other!!!

Original poster

PersephoneSnape · 07/05/2008 14:21

I guess it isn?t just down to age. 12 year old dd is going on 30. 10 year old ds is a young ten ? 8 year old is a young 8. Iit?s all down to trying to manage their expectations of their dad ? when he?s lucid/vaguely sober it?s all ?I?ll take you here? and we?ll go there and they get let down time and time again, but maintain this wonderful innocent expectation that he will do what he says. I guess it will be sad when they lose that faith, but I can?t really make him do anything, only explain what I perceive as being less than ideal parenting on his behalf. I think I?m going to go for a half lie, that daddy hasn?t been feeling very well, because he drinks too much and he wants to stop so he can be a better Dad and take them places etc ? but he needs some help to do that, because it?s very difficult to stop doing some things that are bad for you, so you won?t see him for a while.

Meanwhile I shall carry happy thoughts of him being fit enough for me to punch-out and think of alternate uses for his eyelids, the fuckwit.

So sad. Lord, I love a drink myself, but I hate hate hate alcohol in excess.

Thanks for all responses so far, it?s been really helpful in trying to sort this out in my head.

OP posts:

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