To tell my DCs that their Dad has gone on holiday (again) ...

[PersephoneSnape]

instead of telling them that he's trying to dry out - again.

three Dcs dd(12) dS1(10) and Ds2(8) single parent for last seven years, but attempt to have reasonable relationship with their dad, even though he can be a fuckwit on occasion. Have just started children having overnight stays after a couple of months of no-overnighters due to him and his gf having a blazing row, including physical violence while dcs were at his house. Ex is an alcoholic who has been in various rehab programmes over the last five years or so, none of which have 'stuck' and he's always fallen back in the bottle

he had a 'episode' at weekend, which led to him being hospitalised. (raging and threatenning to self harm.) His parents and gf took him to doctors and he has appointment with alcohol team/CPN in next week or so. There is a possibility of residential rehab again. he's been told not to try to stop drinking on his own. (if anyone has any experience, is that true? or an alcoholics lie?) but he has been told to gradually cut down and has librium.

I won't let kids anywhere near him. have told 12 year old dd (very mature) what is happenning - she's absolutely mortified. I think i will tell my boys that he's on holiday, because i honestly can't face up to telling them that dad is in rehab again. Is that unreasonable? am i lying to protect them, or their opinion of him? I certainly don't think that I'm lying to protect or preserve his relationship with the children from his pov, as that's his job. So tired of this constant alcohol-fuelled roller-coaster.

Daddy not being well etc isn't really even half a lie though is it? It's telling the truth in a way a child will comprehend.
I think you're doing the right thing.
Good Luck.

Children need to hear the truth at an age appropriate level which they can comprehend, and I think what you have decided to tell them is exactly right. Give them facts and try to stay away from feelings - if you are struggling to portray a positive image of their father then a neutral attitude towards him is much better than a negative one.
I hope that it goes well.

Be careful your daughter doesn't end up taking more of a caring role within the family than is good for her emotional health - because by knowing more than her brothers it might feel like it's her "job" to keep secrets and look after people who can't cope.

12 is not an adult. It's a big burden to share a sad secret with your mum.

Better that she knows details appropriate to her age and the boys know details appropriate to theirs.

Being "ill" is is appropriate for their ages - it is not a lie.

perse, it sounds like you have the right idea and you sound like you know what is best for your children to hear right now, so well done for coming to a decision that is obviously right for all of you!
i admire your strength
im sending you a hug for your strength cos dont forget you also need looking after through all of this stress!
good decision!!!!

argh. told the boys in the park after school, individually. ds2 is just as right as rain and off in ds2 land where hamsters roam the streets and people must go down slides backwards, ( ) ds1 thinks it's his fault, because he 'stresses dad out' by being bouncy and exuberant. told him that wasn't true. later on he said he was 'sad that he wouldn't see his dad, but happy because he's getting help to be a better dad'

poor little ds1.

Bravo and well done

I'd tell them an 'edited' version of the truth, myself, to suit the level of understanding they have.

This prganisation may be able to help you?

Horrible horrible situation for you and them, and I hope it sorts out for the best.

thank you again for everyones well wishes & hugs - i normally only get pint sized ones, so the adult ones across the internet are giving me vertigo!

well done persephone. you sound like a great bit of stuff. cant be easy single parenting with all this stress.

.

You did great.

Long term alcoholics risk severe fits if they stop drinking without medication, so it is very likely he has been told to continue drinking.

My mother was an alcohlic and if she tried to withdraw without meds she had massive fits.

Well done with telling the children.

Well done. My Father was a bouting alcoholic until his death (sadly alcohol induced) last year. We grew up with him going on benders and although at times it was tough kids are very resiliant and just get on with it. I hope for all sakes he gets and stays clean but suspect that you have a life long battle on your hands.
Carry on being a safe haven for the kids, someone they can rely on. again - well done!

whoo! I'm a bit of stuff! ;)

thank you marmadukescarlet, without knowing enough about it myself, i do have a highly honed bullshit detector (i LIKE polo mints! I have a a bit of a cold, so i can't smell how much aftershave i've put on, i tripped and fell into that womans vadge...)so it's difficult to know when he tells the truth anymore, he's told so many lies that he is a the ex that cried wolf.

gagrin you're absolutely right - apart from exes parents, it's just me and my dcs and although dd is bossy and on the brink of everything scary and grown up, she does have that not-quite-grown-up-not-quite-a-child thing. she knows that she can talk to me or granny or granpa or school guidance teachers or her friends (she has a great set of friends) or NACOA (thanks, stripeymama! have bookmarked) and the boys know that as well.

spoke to him today and he's maudlin. spoke to is parents - i feel so sorry for his mum.

I think telling them is the right thing to do. When I was your daughter's age I witnessed my dad trying to commit suicide and it was only then I found out about his history of crime, drugs and booze. I went on to have a relationship of sorts with him, but not seeing him very much. The whole thing gave me big trust issues that I only know in my early thirties have really gotten past. I wish my mum would have told me sooner instead.