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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being oversensitive?

44 replies

NottyHair · 30/01/2025 08:16

I've got 2 DC. The 3 year old's sleep has always been rough and in the last 18 months we are just now in a routine where he wakes twice a night and I go in and lie with him as he falls back asleep. I know I need to do something about it. I work full time and I know I need to be more strict with him but here we are....

DH helped with the older kid but this stopped after 6 months and DH now sleeps happily every night. He has never done night stuff with 3 year old. I have asked him but he says "DC only wants u"

Recently DH has got into fitness and all the tech gadgets. He monitors his sleep and then tells me about it in the morning "8.5 hours of good quality sleep but apparently I need more physical recovery sleep" etc. He KNOWS (because I remind him) that my sleep means up at 1am and 3am and then 6am for the day. I said to him this morning that I didn't really want to listen to his sleep analysis every morning.

He told me im being over sensitive and his sleep is nothing to do with mine! He then also started going on about the fact that some sleep experts recommend sleeping in chunks and so maybe my sleep is actually better quality than his! I could feel an argument brewing so I went quiet but he said I was being rude.

Am I being over sensitive? Too tired? He's only making conversation in the morning but God I find it difficult to listen to

OP posts:
Catza · 30/01/2025 08:19

He then also started going on about the fact that some sleep experts recommend sleeping in chunks and so maybe my sleep is actually better quality than his!

The only answer to that is "Amazing, love. Tonight you are getting up with children as it is what the experts recommend. I'm off to my parents/friends/hotel for the night."

AccordionedWhileMallBurned · 30/01/2025 08:20

What @Catza said!

KnickerlessParsons · 30/01/2025 08:23

Do you both work? If so then YANBU.
However if he works and you don't then YABU.
The sleep monitoring would get on my nerves either way though.

Nevervisible · 30/01/2025 08:26

What a totally selfish man.
He doesn't care about you and your welfare. He only cares about himself.

Alalalala · 30/01/2025 08:26

What a prick. Selfish and pompous.

I’m sure he seemed nice when you were dating but the proof of someone’s character is in the everyday stresses. Sorry OP, he’s not a good partner.

Original poster
NottyHair · 30/01/2025 08:35

KnickerlessParsons · 30/01/2025 08:23

Do you both work? If so then YANBU.
However if he works and you don't then YABU.
The sleep monitoring would get on my nerves either way though.

We both work full time.

OP posts:
Trepidfox · 30/01/2025 08:36

I feel for you OP, I don't actually think it matters whether you bloody work or not! Some empathy first and a night here and there of support would be the correct reaction. I bet he would get involved with the sleep training if it was impacting his rest constantly. It's times like this you find out what kind of 'partners' you have under pressure. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but surly it's the ebb and flow of parenting? If you can't count on the other to help when you're struggling sometimes, that's when the rot can set in

Completelyjo · 30/01/2025 08:36

Your DH is a dick and doesn’t truly care about you.

Completelyjo · 30/01/2025 08:38

KnickerlessParsons · 30/01/2025 08:23

Do you both work? If so then YANBU.
However if he works and you don't then YABU.
The sleep monitoring would get on my nerves either way though.

Why would her working in a paid role change how much sleep she needs? Even if she was at home looking after 2 young preschool children she would still need sleep. At a bare minimum the DH should be doing 2 nights a week since he doesn’t work on the weekend.

Original poster
NottyHair · 30/01/2025 08:50

It's not even him not helping. He's right DC does only want me but that's the inevitable consequences of only me doing it!

But him explaining the difference btw recovery sleep and deep sleep nearly tipped me over the edge! Sometimes he has no idea how insensitive he is and he just cannot see it! He talks about himself so much amd never asks me anything.

OP posts:
RosieDelagioooo · 30/01/2025 08:51

What a cunt

RosieDelagioooo · 30/01/2025 08:53

Ps why don’t you just let dc sleep in your bed? We did that with our youngest for a year or so when he was 2 when he started waking. I got loads of people spouting off their opinions at me but I didn’t give a flying shit. He’s 8 now and sleeps like a dream in his own bed

Original poster
NottyHair · 30/01/2025 08:56

RosieDelagioooo · 30/01/2025 08:51

What a cunt

I think he just might be you know. Sometimes he's so self involved it's actually mind blowing. Like my friend died last year and when I got home from the funeral he told me how awful his day at work was from the moment I walked in the door It felt surreal.

OP posts:
Fartypants83 · 30/01/2025 08:59

Children need to be able to sleep through the night. I imagine he's mentioned this before but got nowhere so has disengaged from that. The child should be returned swiftly to bed without fuss, and further techniques put in place to ensure a full night's sleep for everyone. It may seem cruel but it is for the health of the family.

zaxxon · 30/01/2025 09:00

I don't often say this on here, but I actually want to slap this guy on your behalf 😡

HeronWing · 30/01/2025 09:01

Kill him and hire a night nanny on the insurance payout?

dizzydizzydizzy · 30/01/2025 09:03

He sounds unbelievably annoying. And actually he is the one lacking in sensitivity. How insensitive to tell you constantly how amazingly good his sleep is when he knows you have a broken night every single night.

Onlycoffee · 30/01/2025 09:06

He's insensitive and self absorbed.

Does he ever ask you how you and dc slept, how was your night? Or are you just a sounding board for his latest obsession?

Edited just read your update, sorry op he's awful.

Yanbu

rainbowstardrops · 30/01/2025 09:13

You work full time and you do ALL the night wakings?!!!
I'm not a naturally violent person but I'd want to stick pins in his eyes! Could you get a voodoo doll?
Seriously though, he's bang out of order and I'd be inclined to leave him with the kids at the weekend and bugger off somewhere on your own. Then when you return, tell him all about the lovely healing sleep you had. Seriously I would.

pizzaHeart · 30/01/2025 09:14

NottyHair · 30/01/2025 08:56

I think he just might be you know. Sometimes he's so self involved it's actually mind blowing. Like my friend died last year and when I got home from the funeral he told me how awful his day at work was from the moment I walked in the door It felt surreal.

Show quote history

It’s awful @NottyHair
its like he is constantly in his own bubble of selfishness. You need to “poke” him every time when he is behaving like this and start waking him up and send him to DC, at least because sleeping in chunks is so better.

Haveyouanyjam · 30/01/2025 09:25

YANBU - he is insensitive, you are not being over sensitive. Maybe send him some data on sleep deprivation and its impacts if he likes the science of sleep!!

Tell him to share his sleep data elsewhere unless he wants to take over the night wakings so you can see how much deep
sleep you get when the roles are reversed.

Any chance he’s ASD? Just throwing it out there given the literal thinking/lack of self awareness. Not that it would excuse his overall behaviour.

On a separate note - what have you tried with DC3? My DD3 wakes occasionally so I do go to her as usually there would be a reason, but when she just wants comfort and I need sleep before work, she has a giant stuffy that goes in her bed. Also has a unicorn nightlight that she can set the colour of and a dream catcher that she chose. Got the second two when she went through a phase of waking up again having had a bad dream/worrying because she suddenly became aware people died.

Octavia64 · 30/01/2025 09:25

He is being insensitive.

However in my marriage I was the one that couldn't cope with broken sleep so we sleep trained pretty early.

He needs to be nicer about it, but equally at age three this is something that you can be addressing.

Errors · 30/01/2025 09:37

Kick him out of bed, tell him to sleep elsewhere. You sleep in the bed with the toddler until he grows out of this phase

Original poster
NottyHair · 30/01/2025 11:35

@Haveyouanyjam our older child has autism. I have long suspected but DH not interested. I wouldn't mind if he was just unaware of what he's doing but when I try to talk to him about it he gets angry. I feel so lonely as there is no support and I'm not allowed to tell him that's how I'm feeling. I also just don't want to listen to him telling me about how many steps he's done or the type of sleep he's getting every hour of the day.

OP posts:
LoveSandbanks · 30/01/2025 11:41

HeronWing · 30/01/2025 09:01

Kill him and hire a night nanny on the insurance payout?

Probably about the most constructive comment here 🤣

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