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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your husband act in this way?

40 replies

Kx0 · 30/01/2025 04:52

Does your husband do this?
Hi I am 6 weeks post partum, and also have a 4 year old.
He returned to work when I was 3 weeks post partum.
This week I have had an infection in my finger and have had to go to doctor etc, get antibiotics and my usual routine kind of got disrupted a little, I. e 2 days didn't get hoovering.
But still managed others major things looking after the kids, making meals, taking to school.
But on the days when I didn't get as much done, my husband arrived home after work and was annoyed they weren't done and was saying he didn't understand why I am wrecked or tired at the end of the day.
I also bf our son as well as him having a bottle. And I am also 6 weeks post partum. And do all the night feeds.
Does anyone else's husband act in this way, this isn't a one off, it happened the week after he went back to work also.
I just feel it is unfair, to come home and say this after he had been away all day and slept for 6 to 7 hours the night before.

Anyone with similar husbands or had this experience?

OP posts:
DNAwrangler · 30/01/2025 04:57

I mean you could do the usual leaving him with both kids and seeing if he makes dinner and vacuums (ha!).

but really even if he could, does it matter? He’s not your boss / supervisor.

coldscottishmum · 30/01/2025 05:01

Your 6 weeks post partum. I have 2 young children and I never really found my feet with housework/laundry until around 4-6 months pp. Currently expecting our final DC and housework is already slacking because I’m knackered. It happens, your DH needs to cut you some slack or pick up where you left off if it bothers him so much. There should be no pressure to keep up, it’s impossible some days. Hand your DH the hoover/dish soap/whatever he complains about and tell him to do it.

Greywarden · 30/01/2025 05:04

No, I don't have experience with this. I think it sounds really unfair and unkind of him to criticise you in this way. In fact the words 'how dare he?' spring to mind. What a shocking lack of empathy and respect for you. You've just brought another life into the world; you are knackered from lack of sleep; you're ill. How pathetic to focus on the hoovering.

Your body hasn't recovered from pregnancy and birth. You are not sleeping through the night. You have a young baby AND an older child to look after. You are by the sounds of it getting loads done in the house. And on top of all that you have an infection. It sounds like you're doing amazingly.

And I'll go further... I'd argue that even if you weren't getting the cooking etc done - even if you were doing way less than you are - your husband would STILL be a massive arsehole to criticise you over this.

Does he criticise your housework generally? Does he expect you to act like his servant and have everything the way he wants it the whole time? Because even if he works full time and you don't - even if you're happy to be the main 'house and child person' - I still don't think talking to you like this is justified.

I feel rage on your behalf.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 30/01/2025 05:13

Erm nope.

I wasn't working (he was full time), we don't have kids so I wasn't even looking after them...

But my dad died and I had a bit of a mental health crisis. For around 3 months I didn't sleep at night, I slept all day, I didn't clean the house (my usual job when not working) or take care of anything at all.

He did all the cooking, surprised me with treats like Maltesers and cups of tea in bed etc and was very kind to me.

I have done the same for him when he was in very poor health for a while.

Someone who loves you does not treat you like this... And you have just had a baby and you are injured. You deserve every bit of love, care, consideration and help.

He sounds truly awful.

SALaw · 30/01/2025 05:35

It sounds like he might be a dickhead? So no, my husband doesn't do this because I didn't marry a dickhead.

ThighsYouCantControl · 30/01/2025 05:40

No, my husband doesn’t treat me like I’m his staff. If he did we’d be having some very strong words. Or at the very least given this example, told that if it bothered him that much then to get the hoover out himself. Especially when I’d not long given birth and had my hands full with a baby and another young child.

Honestly, who do these men think they are?

PenelopePitfall · 30/01/2025 05:40

Wow. My husband came back from work when I was on mat leave, and essentially did whatever needed doing. Whether that was taking the baby, making dinner or clearing up. Because he is a decent person. I cannot imagine being married to somebody so selfish.

OP, your husband is being unreasonable. I am sorry.

lifesrichpageant · 30/01/2025 05:43

OP he sounds like a bit of an a$shole.

RIPVPROG · 30/01/2025 06:01

No! When DH went back to work after paternity leave he used to make me a packed lunch and leave it in the fridge and bring me a hot drink in a travel mug before he left. I would quite often cook dinner when he came home because it meant some time without a velcro baby and I enjoy cooking. He also used to stay up to do the last feed (expressed) so I could get a good chunk of sleep before the early morning wake and would factor in time in the mornings to take ds so I had time to shower etc before he went to work. I've got a picture I love of DH with a mop in the kitchen with DS in the baby carrier. He also used to encourage be to get out and about and see friends etc and enjoy my mat leave. He wasn't critiquing whether or not I'd done housework that day!
Your husband is an arse.

BonfireToffee · 30/01/2025 06:06

Your husband is an inconsiderate, selfish, critical bastard and you and your kids deserve someone better.

Theresacatinmykitchenwhatamigonnado · 30/01/2025 06:08

My ex husband was very similar. Note the ex. He became an absolute tosser when DC was born and never improved.

Butterflyfern · 30/01/2025 06:11

My baby is 14 weeks old and I still haven't done any hoovering since they were born

(My husband has, frequently and without comment/being asked because he's not an arsehole)

Greywarden · 30/01/2025 07:23

I'll add this: compared to looking after a young baby, most jobs are a break. I don't mean by this that I don't think looking after a baby is also potentially a joyful and wonderful time. However, the level of exhaustion - the need to be so responsive to a baby that you sometimes seem to have no monent to yourself or autonomy over your body - it is more of a shattering and all-consuming responsibility than regular work.

My job is pretty stressful and yet going to work was a breeze compared to being with my DC when they were very young. I could take toilet breaks in private!

Obviously it's not a stress competition but I think it's important to highlight this issue in your own mind for the sake of being confident that you are in the right. Maybe if your DH works as a UN peacekeeper in active conflict zones, I'd be prepared to acknowledge his days are more stressful than yours. (That still wouldn't entitle him to moan about the hoovering though.)

cordeliavorkosigan · 30/01/2025 07:25

What an arse.

StillweriseLH · 30/01/2025 07:25

No, he doesn’t. And he wouldn’t be my husband long if he did.

what was he like when you had your eldest? And does he normally do his share of housework before you were pregnant/had a baby?

MumChp · 30/01/2025 07:26

No. My husband would do the house work without fuss, put the kettle on for a cuppa and kiss me. Play with the children and ask me to rest.
That's the reason for we have 3 kids and a happy marriage.

DaringLion · 30/01/2025 13:00

There is nothing stopping him from hoovering when he gets home .

GatherlyGal · 30/01/2025 13:03

No luckily for me my husband cares more about me and the kids and our wellbeing than whether or not the vacuuming has been done.

This is not good OP you are at a time of life when you need support from him not task management.

How much time has he spent on his own with both kids? That might help his perspective a bit?

rosemarycait96 · 30/01/2025 13:17

Uhhh no. I'm 9 weeks pp with DC2, DC1 is almost 2. I bf both children, do all the night feeds and cook all of our meals. I also do the lion's share of the housework. BUT I don't keep the house spotless, sometimes I forget things and to be honest the children take 100% priority for me over a bit of housework.

My husband thankfully wouldn't dream of criticising me for being 'behind' on things. The most important thing to him is that the children are fed and happy, and that I'm happy too.

I'm sorry but your husband isn't being fair to you at all.

MixedBananas · 30/01/2025 13:19

No DH doesn't do that. And NO it is not normal or acceptable to be treated like a doormat.
I am sorry but that's an awful "husband"

Unrelated38 · 30/01/2025 13:24

My ex did. EX.

DP is quite frankly a fucking godsend. He does night wakes then goes to work at 6am. With our infant and with our eldest who is from my ex.

Comes in between 6 and 8 and plays, makes dinner, tidies up, does bath and bed. Whatever needs doing. Becuase he chose to be a dad to both our children and he chose to be my partner so he looks after the people he loves.

Edit to add, he doesn't do ALL of all of that. He does a varied share, I do actually do somethings too. (Just read it back and it sounds like I do nothing.)

namechangeGOT · 30/01/2025 13:28

I'm 14 years post partum and I can't remember the last time I picked the hoover up. I remember the last time my husband did though - last night.

Hillarious · 30/01/2025 13:28

Just don't let his annoyance guilt-trip you into thinking all the chores are your responsibility.

WigglyVonWaggly · 30/01/2025 13:29

No. Yours is treating you like a housekeeper.

BreadInCaptivity · 30/01/2025 13:32

No my DH didn't do that because he's not a prick.