To think I’m not depressed or hormonal, I’m just not in love

[Hotelspider]

NC

Been with DP 4 years, will cut a long story short but it’s was horrendous from about 6 months in to October last year. He was awfully abusive (not physical) and ann alcoholic and I starting drinking to try and cope. All the time I was financially supporting us. Absolutely horrendous time. I asked him to leave or to end the relationship so many times but he refused. We own a house together.

October came and we decided enough was enough. He got sober, I stopped drinking. He did everything right and still is to this day. But I am not in love with him anymore. I have told him this but he has some delusion that I will fall in love with him again and refuses to accept the relationship is over. Says he has put in so much effort recently and so much money prior (deposit) that he will not just give up on us because now we have all the makings of great relationship.

On paper we do. But I just can’t bear to be around him. And he will not listen. And recently started to say that I am being abusive by rejecting him, not wanting to be around him and most recently that it’s all clear to him that maybe I’m menopausal so that’s why I have rejected him now! 🤯

Will I ever come round or am I doomed to stay in this loveless relationship?

Take control back OP, you don’t need his permission to end the relationship. Life is too short.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. People break up all the time and it sounds like you’ve clearly explained your reasons and have given him a chance to get his head around it. He needs to leave now so that you can get on with your life. I really feel for you as it must be horrible to just have your wishes ignored.

You don't need him to agree it's over op, if you say its over then that's it.
Start making it concrete and permanent by getting estate agents around to sell thr house and start physically separating your life from him.
It doesn't matter that he has started to behave, you don't love him, you have ended the relationship and that is not abusive, that is your God given right as a person with their own autonomy.

He can think what he wants, let him. If you want out, you are allowed to leave a relationship, whether it's because of your hormones or any other reason and it sounds like you have plenty.

See a solicitor to work out how to seperate financially and then do it.

It’s not abusive to no longer love someone. You don’t need his permission to leave. He will probably be very difficult about the divorce so you will need to stay firm in your belief that it’s over.

Sounds to me like he's still being abusive!

OP it only takes one person to decide to end it. You don't need a reason (although you have many) you just need to want to not be with him anymore.

No doubt he will take it badly and blame you but be strong and remember you only get one life.

I understand that you probably believed if he sorted himself out your relationship would be good. It’s not. Great that he sorted himself out, if he’s done it properly he will be fine if you leave. Leave. Put yourself first like you should have this whole time. You are free.

I feel bad for him as his life did appear to fall apart shortly after we got together but I can never get over his behaviour in that time. Police being called etc

And now he is being perfect. Helpful, bringing in money, sober, everything a year ago I would have given my right arm for, yet I can pin point the second my feelings for him just disappeared and my bits clamped shut. And the begging and misery is giving me even more ick on top of trauma tbh, I don’t say that lightly but I am traumatised by some of the things he did.

He doesn’t have to agree for it to be over! Of course you’re not in love with this abusive, awful man. Enough of his bullshit, tell him you are done and mean it.

Its just too little too late. Get out. Its going to be hard but dont settle for this. He could pick up a drink tomorrow and be back to square one. Youre not being abusive. You’re just done. End of.

pisses me off blokes turn to accusing women “oh you want to leave me? Well you must have mental health issues!” No mate youre the one with issues. Get rid x

Is there something stopping you saying that you're leaving him and your solicitor will be in touch regarding the house sale?

I suppose the guilt that he says, which is true, ‘you wanted me to get sober, I am trying so hard because you deserve better and I want to be better’ ‘it’s all for you’

You tell him you’re glad he’s sorting himself out, but sadly it’s just too late for the two of you. Too much bad water under the bridge and the love is gone and won’t be coming back. Ask him wouldn’t he rather spend his life with somebody who does love him?

And you say "thanks but too late, goodbye"

Do you know something? An addict who get's sober for anyone but themselves isn't doing it for the right reasons. And staying with someone out of guilt never ended well either.

If he's got sober for you then he's just a dry drunk. It's meaningless. You cannot be someone's reason for being sober. Stop with the waste of your life. This is never going to get better.

Simply say: "I just don't love you anymore". That's it. Say it kindly but firmly, and don't add anything else.

Keep saying it as many times as you must.

You don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone you no longer love.

He was an arse. It’s ok to want more from life.

You thought him getting sober would help mend the relationship, because it certainly wasn’t working when he was drunk. You were wrong. He destroyed what you had beyond repair. You realise that now. That’s ok.

It's not 'abusive' to not love him anymore. For any reason, let alone the reasons you are describing.

How is this realistically going to get any better? You know full well it isn't. So you might as well leave now rather than drag it out any longer.

You should have left six months in.

Walk out the door, never come back. Build your own life. Take nothing from that crap relationship and begin again. You can do it! (Caveat emptor: this advice costs me nothing and I don't have to deal with the fallout).

So leave then.

Tell him he didn't get sober for you - an alcoholic doesn't get sober for someone else, they can only do it for themselves. You are not beholden to him for the rest of your life because he cleaned up his act and it doesn't make up for the trauma that you've been through.

You don't need his permission to split up. Let go of the guilt and think about what you want from your life going forward. You don't have to stay in a relationship with someone if you don't love them anymore. That is a good enough reason and better for both of you in the long run.

Get some legal advice and start the process. He will have to accept it when he realises that you mean what you say.

Telling you he is only sober for you is just more manipulation and emotional blackmail.

He won't go quietly OP you just have to tough it out and be ready for the onslaught of manipulation and nonsense. Be strong and remember you deserve more out of life than some sort of support role for this man.