To feel 'ungrateful' for gifts I have no use for - if they knew I would not have a use for them?!

[Ungrateful4LK]

This is long, sorry, I feel like I'm going mad in this situation, so just canvassing for opinions either way. I have no idea if I'm just being ungrateful or if I'm valid to feel this way. I spoke to my Dad about it, just in a normal conversation and it turned into a huge argument that I'm being rude, regardless of that I was never even going to mention it to my brother, I was just venting! I am autistic so I can be blunt, my Dad constantly tells me my feelings (when someone upsets me) are my problem and I'm choosing to make myself feel that way. I don't think that's quite right but maybe others wouldn't be bothered by this.

My birthday was last week and my brother who lives far away visited with his partner. He was coming anyway, and wasn't here for the actual date of my birthday nor my birthday 'event' - just a meal out with family and friends - and we didn't particularly do anything to celebrate. That part is what it is, I had a lovely meal and time when I did go out.

On the 2nd day of my brother being here he was clearing some stuff out of his car and passed his girlfriend a card, a box of maltesers and the new Lion King DVD (I have changed this item to avoid purposes but for all purposes here there is no difference!) which she passed to me, all unwrapped.

I couldn't hide my face showing upset though I did try my best. I'm conflicted. We are both BIG fans of the 'Lion King' and we have spoken about it after going to see it recently, so I guess on the surface, it seems like it would be a good gift. However, my brother mentioned he picked it up when he went to get something else he was getting for himself and so it was clearly just on offer/first thing he saw that he could remotely relate to me. Firstly, I don't have a DVD player. He said he thought I might have had one in my bedroom but I know he definitely knows I don't even have a TV in my room. He has been in there many times. He could have asked me if he really wasn't sure.

Secondly, we share a Disney+ account so he definitely knows that if I wanted to, I could stream the film literally any time I wanted (no idea if LK is on Disney+ yet but for this example, imagine it was available as soon as it was released and I have watched it many times already, and brother and I have spoken about this as he has too...). I have no need or use for this gift. It will just get added to the pile of 'stuff' in my house and eventually donated or thrown away. Brother knows I struggle with keeping my space tidy and I'd even say my home is slightly hoard-y which I'm trying to combat this year.

Dad says he has a -very old- DVD player from when he got his first house I can have. Not only is this not helpful as I still don't have a TV to plug it into (again, I watch streaming services only on my iPad or phone) but I suspect it's not even one that would be compatible with anything nowadays. He thinks now he might sell it, clearly not realising it's worth nothing because when he got it, back in the day, they were rare/special, and can't believe I don't want it and therefore says I'm choosing to make the DVD useless to me.

Lastly, the maltesers... I'm very seriously working and managing to lose weight at the moment after struggling with binge eating specific foods for years. EVERYONE knows this, but especially my brother - he's a bit of a gym rat and has helped me in the past when he lived nearby and I've been keeping him updated on my progress. I don't mind maltesers, they are my Dad's favourite we always go out of our way to buy for Christmas/birthday but I've never particularly minded them either way. I've given them to my child. Of course I wish I could have them but I know once I get off track I won't get back on, and I'm incredibly proud of how I'm doing and don't want to risk it.

I'm just feeling disappointed in these gifts. I genuinely would rather have had nothing/ just a card as it feels like he's just gone, eh, doesn't really matter, close enough. Everyone has asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I have mentioned that I am doing out my bedroom at the moment and I would appreciate vouchers to go towards furniture. I even specifically told my brother that I didn't mind if he couldn't get me anything as we're all going through a bit of a rough patch financially.

I don't know if I am just being rude but I can't help feeling how I feel. Again, I haven't said anything to my brother and I won't be. But I can never talk about my feelings to Dad without being totally dismissed so I've just resolved I won't in the future. It's not really about the gifts of course I'm grateful to receive gifts, I know some people might not get any. But I just think, for lack of a better phrase, why bother if you aren't really thinking about me at all? I feel more hurt than if I had been given nothing but maybe that doesn't make sense.

AIBU?

I can understand your upset at the seemingly thoughtless gifts but I really do think you need to let it go. It seems like it wasn’t done maliciously. Maybe next year just reiterate that you really don’t want any gifts.

Your feelings are your feelings and are therefore valid. It's what you do about them that matters imo.

So I totally get why you're upset. You guys sound pretty close yet it's like he just totally disengaged brain. If it's unusual for him, just accept the hurt and move on. If it's a regular pattern, then you need to address how you play your relationship going ahead.

Re your Dad, stop discussing this stuff with him. He'll dismiss it and make you feel worse than to start with. You know that, so break the cycle.

Yes your brother does seem to have been thoughtless. And your Dad trying to give you an equally useless old dvd player compounds this. But it’s just a birthday present and, unless I’ve got this wrong, in the context of what seems to be good family relationships on the whole, I don’t think it’s a big thing and is perhaps best forgiven and forgotten. Though I wouldn’t try hard for DB’s present this year!

Thanks, I completely agree it wasn't malicious. Like I said I don't plan on saying anything to my brother and highly doubt he realises I was disappointed and I of course said thank you so it is let go of in real life - just has me wondering if I am actually being unreasonable in thinking it in the first place and if I should feel grateful no matter the gift.

I understand how you feel, they were thoughtless presents. However I would tend to still say thank you and get on with it, I'm pretty good at keeping my feelings to myself. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad trait! My Dad can be difficult so I'd probably take the DVD player on loan just to appease him but he is elderly with health issues so I make a lot of allowances for silly requests. You are not wrong OP but in my family we nod and smile and keep our thoughts to ourselves, it really does depend on the family dynamic. Maybe no harm your brother realises he was thoughtless and your Dad should mind his own business really, but if it were me I'd let it pass.

Thank you. It's hard, Mum died when I was young, I have a couple of close friends but they don't live nearby anymore. I suppose I always go to my Dad as he's really been the only consistent person in my life, even though he isn't that great as a Dad to me. I definitely need to just stop thinking he will care or comfort me.

Hit and miss on the family thing, we are close but it's complex due to trauma and I guess we all try our best. You're right, it is just a birthday gift.

Thank you! My brother has gone home now and won't have a clue lol. My Dad definitely noticed my face (whoops) which is why it was mentioned later on.

Since you didn't expect anything there was no need to be disappointed. You could have just focused on the card and pass the other stuff on to other family members without giving it a second thought.

I never said I didn't expect anything - brother had given a categoric no when I suggested he doesn't have to get me anything, since he couldn't be there to celebrate when meal was planned.

I 'could' have (and did pass them on), if I could turn off my feelings I suppose. I have never understood how people seem to be able to just stop thinking about/feeling things just because they have decided they don't want to!

“I can’t help feeling how I feel”, is not actually true. You can actively work to change how you feel if you recognise that is not appropriate or useful.

Just read your last post, sorry. Actively redirect your thoughts feelings until it becomes instinctive.

So it goes like this at first:

Oh, there’s that box of Maltesers I didn’t want. I’m so annoyed with my brother. Etc, etc until:
I wanted to stop thinking about that and remember how great he is for doing x.
Yes, but this is still really annoying.
Yes, but I’ve acknowledged that and want to move on because he’s my brother and he is really great for x, y, z.

Choose in advance what the good thought is that you want to substitute. Initially it will take ages to get to that, but you will get quicker, and eventually your brain will just bypass the bit about him being annoying altogether. You need to plan and you need to persevere, but it is very effective at getting rid of unhelpful and unwanted thoughts.

I’m not saying this is a good method for serious trauma, btw. That works very differently in our brains.

It sounds like you've had a lot to deal with and I can see why you think the Lion King dvd was thoughtless. I wouldn't want an old dvd player to watch a film I could watch on Disney! You need to let it go though. It wasn't malicious. He got you something. He probably just didn't think about the fact you might not have a dvd player and if he got you something he got himself I would generally consider that a nice gift. If I buy something for myself it means I like it and if I'm buying the same thing for someone who is also a fan that makes sense to me.

I have known my husband 19 years this year. 2 years ago, I got so fed up with receiving toiletry sets for Christmas from my BIL, I politely told him not to worry about a Christmas present for me, just buy for the children. I have received a toiletry set every single year. I can't use most 'smellies' due to suffering from eczema. He has been politely told this numerous times. I ended up selling the toiletry sets on eBay. I'd rather receive nothing, than something that's no use to me.

Don't take it so seriously. He tried to remember your birthday. You can regift the chocs at least the dvd had some relation to something you like. Be grateful.

You can't help your feelings and I would also be disappointed as the gifts aren't useful at all for you. But I don't think they are as thoughtless as you think. The DVD is a film that you are both big fans of and the Maltesers are something that is frequently given in your family. Could definitely be a lot better but also could have been a lot worse.

You’ve given the malteasers to your child so that’s that sorted.

Give the DVd to a charity shop - so that’s that sorted.

Think no more about it.

Dont host your brother if you don’t want to.

Dont get him thoughtful presents so the lack of reciprocation doesn’t sting.

Dont tell your dad about issues with your brother now your are adults - not his problem!

They may be crappy presents but it doesn’t matter in the great scheme of things!

You are not wrong to be disappointed. You say you are autistic, are your Dad and brother by any chance as neurodiversity tends to run in families? If this is the case perhaps your brother genuinely believed it to be a good gift as he knows you like the film (even though you obviously have access to it already). Your Dad is of the generation of put up and shut up and people were expected to be grateful for anything even if it is useless and there’s obviously been no actual thought to the gift.

i think this was just badly executed but wel intentioned and you obviously have a close relationship so I would just put this down to one of those quirks about them and focus of the good sides to them. Happy birthday for the other day

OP I see your unwanted DVD and raise you a portable battery operated AM only radio that my Dad gave DS a few years ago. The packaging looked really dated, 1970s or early 1980s. Needless to say it didn't work. I dont know if AM even exists anymore. He must have found it in the attic somewhere. Ds was pissed off he didn't get money, I was absolutely fuming and DH thinks it's the funniest thing ever.

You use your adult voice to talk yourself down. We all get emotional and can have kneejerk reactions about slights/disappointments etc but that's when the adult in us tell us to look at the bigger picture. What I'm trying to say is ofcourse you can't decide how you feel but you can reason within yourself about why you're feeling the way you are.

^^This is excellent advice. It's something that may not come naturally, but honestly your life will be much happier if you can cut people a bit of slack sometimes (inwardly as well as outwardly).

YABU

Fellow autist here. Usually I would say you’re not being unreasonable as I know how hard it is when I receive something rubbish and can’t hide my reaction. However this one feels different. The present was related to your interests and the chocolate was just a generic gift that people give when they don’t know what to get you (you’re choosing to do an all or nothing approach to dieting most people do not). At least it’s on the right wave length. Donate to food bank and charity shop and move on.

I’ll give you a similar situation that happened to me yesterday at my mums house where I think this crosses the line. Back on side tied up, asked my mum what was in it, and she says it’s a surprise for me for Easter. Tells me to look and it’s a highland cow (special interest) Easter egg. Instantly react badly and she says “I can tell that face you’re so ungrateful I thought I was doing something for you”. And I say “I’d rather just have a nice egg of chocolate I like not unbranded” and she tells me “I’m going to get you another one too”. And I’m like “why would I want two Easter eggs? I’m diabetic?” (She is too and has no excuse for not knowing). And then became a whole thing and performance from her of “well I’ll have it since you’re so ungrateful”. I feel that’s different as I am very close with her and she’ll repeatedly do this on a weekly basis and then wonder why I’m ungrateful. This week was also a crochet magazine, I don’t crochet, repeatedly say I just don’t get how people crochet. She got me a crochet magazine “I know you mentioned crochet”, yeah not in a freaking positive light.

Are you five years old? Just move on.

Has it occurred to you that both your dad and father are autistic too?

I think you are being a bit rude and a lot over sensitive

It's something you and brother have an interest in and he's got you something to keep which will nondoibt have extra features on the disc and he higher quality than something you can stream

It's not thoughtless as he knows you love it and even if he did get it when getting something else doesn't make it a thoughtless purchase

Also I doubt he 100% knew you did or didn't have a dvd player he may have thought she can play this on her pc/playstation/dvd player/portable dvd player for camping and he just assumed you had one of those. I couldn't tell you if we have a dvd and I live in the house

Think you are being over the top and just looking to find fault