To feel 'ungrateful' for gifts I have no use for - if they knew I would not have a use for them?!

[Ungrateful4LK]

This is long, sorry, I feel like I'm going mad in this situation, so just canvassing for opinions either way. I have no idea if I'm just being ungrateful or if I'm valid to feel this way. I spoke to my Dad about it, just in a normal conversation and it turned into a huge argument that I'm being rude, regardless of that I was never even going to mention it to my brother, I was just venting! I am autistic so I can be blunt, my Dad constantly tells me my feelings (when someone upsets me) are my problem and I'm choosing to make myself feel that way. I don't think that's quite right but maybe others wouldn't be bothered by this.

My birthday was last week and my brother who lives far away visited with his partner. He was coming anyway, and wasn't here for the actual date of my birthday nor my birthday 'event' - just a meal out with family and friends - and we didn't particularly do anything to celebrate. That part is what it is, I had a lovely meal and time when I did go out.

On the 2nd day of my brother being here he was clearing some stuff out of his car and passed his girlfriend a card, a box of maltesers and the new Lion King DVD (I have changed this item to avoid purposes but for all purposes here there is no difference!) which she passed to me, all unwrapped.

I couldn't hide my face showing upset though I did try my best. I'm conflicted. We are both BIG fans of the 'Lion King' and we have spoken about it after going to see it recently, so I guess on the surface, it seems like it would be a good gift. However, my brother mentioned he picked it up when he went to get something else he was getting for himself and so it was clearly just on offer/first thing he saw that he could remotely relate to me. Firstly, I don't have a DVD player. He said he thought I might have had one in my bedroom but I know he definitely knows I don't even have a TV in my room. He has been in there many times. He could have asked me if he really wasn't sure.

Secondly, we share a Disney+ account so he definitely knows that if I wanted to, I could stream the film literally any time I wanted (no idea if LK is on Disney+ yet but for this example, imagine it was available as soon as it was released and I have watched it many times already, and brother and I have spoken about this as he has too...). I have no need or use for this gift. It will just get added to the pile of 'stuff' in my house and eventually donated or thrown away. Brother knows I struggle with keeping my space tidy and I'd even say my home is slightly hoard-y which I'm trying to combat this year.

Dad says he has a -very old- DVD player from when he got his first house I can have. Not only is this not helpful as I still don't have a TV to plug it into (again, I watch streaming services only on my iPad or phone) but I suspect it's not even one that would be compatible with anything nowadays. He thinks now he might sell it, clearly not realising it's worth nothing because when he got it, back in the day, they were rare/special, and can't believe I don't want it and therefore says I'm choosing to make the DVD useless to me.

Lastly, the maltesers... I'm very seriously working and managing to lose weight at the moment after struggling with binge eating specific foods for years. EVERYONE knows this, but especially my brother - he's a bit of a gym rat and has helped me in the past when he lived nearby and I've been keeping him updated on my progress. I don't mind maltesers, they are my Dad's favourite we always go out of our way to buy for Christmas/birthday but I've never particularly minded them either way. I've given them to my child. Of course I wish I could have them but I know once I get off track I won't get back on, and I'm incredibly proud of how I'm doing and don't want to risk it.

I'm just feeling disappointed in these gifts. I genuinely would rather have had nothing/ just a card as it feels like he's just gone, eh, doesn't really matter, close enough. Everyone has asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I have mentioned that I am doing out my bedroom at the moment and I would appreciate vouchers to go towards furniture. I even specifically told my brother that I didn't mind if he couldn't get me anything as we're all going through a bit of a rough patch financially.

I don't know if I am just being rude but I can't help feeling how I feel. Again, I haven't said anything to my brother and I won't be. But I can never talk about my feelings to Dad without being totally dismissed so I've just resolved I won't in the future. It's not really about the gifts of course I'm grateful to receive gifts, I know some people might not get any. But I just think, for lack of a better phrase, why bother if you aren't really thinking about me at all? I feel more hurt than if I had been given nothing but maybe that doesn't make sense.

AIBU?

I absolutely get you. I’ve said many times that I’d rather have nothing than something I don’t want. But on MN you will be called ungrateful.
There’s nothing worse than telling someone you don’t want anything, for them to override your wishes, and buy you something just to make them feel better. It’s infuriating.

They aren't great gifts, but I wouldn't give it a second thought.

People don't really notice/remember what other people have in their houses, especially 'standard' items like TV/dvd player. He will have forgotten you don't have either.
It sounds like you're all having a tough time right now and he did make some effort.

Not everyone is good at gifts but they do try in other areas - sounds like your brother makes an effort to support you with your exercise. At best this is a bit thoughtless but not meant to upset you. Keep in mind that people have things going on in their lives which you might not know all the details of, but which result in them not always having the headspace to perform social functions as well as they might otherwise.

If you can I suggest reframing it in your mind.

I feel sorry for your mum. There was nothing wrong in that.

You need to stop overthinking this, for everyone's benefit.

Honestly that kind of mindless gift giving happens all of the time! I smile, take it and thank them. Then I donate it to the local primary school for their next raffle! People aren't doing it to be horrible, they just panick last minute and don't think about it.

Did you treat yourself to anything nice for your birthday? That way you won't be so bothered by peoples presents. I always buy myself something lovely, because no one is going to be as thoughtful. Last year I bought an expensive bottle of perfume and this year a beautiful robe, slippers and some nighties. I've stopped buying presents for others as I just get tat back. I only buy for the children, and my husband buys his own present which we wrap up (which is the same for me too!)

Your feelings are your feelings and no one can tell you how you feel. Your dad isn’t a safe person to talk to about it but that doesn’t mean other people aren’t or that your feelings aren’t valid

I think that gift from your mum was so nice and really thoughtful! But you complained about the unbranded chocolate egg? I would have said, "wow I love that, thanks so much! You can keep the egg though as I wouldn't eat that one. So excited to see it when it's finished." That would have given you a better outcome, and she probably would have switched the eggs.

You can always solve the problem of unwanted Maltesers by taking them on a visit. Dh gave me a big box for my recent birthday (I love them) so after far too much Christmas chocolate I took them when we went for lunch at a DD’s - especially since I know that Gdd1 loves them.

Guess what? All that was left by the time we finally went home, was the box in the recycling bin. 🙂

This is exactly what I was going to say. OP you have explained why he got every present he gave you, which means it's not thoughtless at all.

And @MooMoo2You you are definitely being unreasonable and ungrateful. That sounds like a really thoughtful gift!

You are ungrateful.

Honestly it's childish to be upset over gifts when you're a grown woman. If it's something you don't want then just say thanks and charity shop it. Unless it's a partner getting you something completely inappropriate, then suck it up and appreciate the thought.

It's OK not to like a gift but rude and ungrateful to express that in any way

I here you, I think what you have explaind makes sense, but my advice here is to avoid asking people on mumsnet to validate how you feel. You will always get people from diffrent backgrounds, with a range of family dynamics, telling you how they would feel with very little understanding of your own situation. You feel how you feel, and you have taken care not to make your brother feel negatively about his choices. Can’t ask more than that. I would however think about finding a group hobbie, not for advice but just because your circle sounds so small. Maybe an adult course at the local college? Idk but it may help you to stop dwelling on things.

Tell me you're autistic without telling me you're autistic. I knew it from just the title. Because I could have written it. No answers, just solidarity

But this is where I genuinely don’t understand how I’m ungrateful?

I’m diabetic so I will be able to have one and only one egg. I have food aversions and like particular brands and flavours.

I don’t see why I should be grateful for some egg that I cannot eat? Just because it has a highland cow on it?

same with the crochet I frequently comment on my dislike for it. She cannot crochet and does not do crafts. So all she did was buy and generate waste I now need to find a new home for without the guilt of throwing it away?

I don’t think yabu to be hurt.

This is immediate family, not relatives you only see once or twice a year.

A dvd is a weird gift and like you said, he could have asked or gotten you nothing as you told him.

I think the issue is that he unintentionally told you you were an afterthought in his mind which would hurt most people.

I don’t think you could have made it any easier for anyone on what they could give you if you wanted to.

I’d also ignore the posters saying it is unnecessary to be disappointed as if you can turn such feelings off like a light switch. If they can, ok, but many can’t and that’s all right.

Not exactly great gifts but neither anything to get greatly upset about.

Maltesers are pretty harmless in the great scheme of things even if you are on a diet. You can always offer them around.

The DVD is just something he saw with an image of The Lion King and bought it whilst it was on offer and didn't have van considering you might not have a dcd player.

It really all comes down to the family dynamics. I don't have a DVD player as we no longer watch DVD's so if my brother had given me one it would have been the source of great amusement at asking him where I should stick it to play it!

We would have all ended up laughing not feeling aggrieved.

One egg over what time span? Surely you could accept both gratefully and eat them separately. They usually have a good best before date. She got one that is in your interests and one that was suited to your tastes and you weren't happy about either.

I’ve never thought it was ‘ungrateful’ to be pissed off with a thoughtless gift. It’s righteous anger in my mind. I hate this pathetic idea that you should be grateful if someone gives you a dog shit in a box. Just no. If you love me, put some effort in.

It’ll be one Easter egg all Easter I only eat chocolate at Easter, my birthday and Christmas. Other than the occasional piece of dark chocolate.

growing up (baring in mind she raised me) I had ARFID and although grown out to some degree, will only eat certain brands of certain products. Chocolate I am less fussy about, but baring in mind I limit chocolate so much, when I’m going to have it I make sure it’s something high quality and worth it. I am currently diet controlled diabetic (for over 2 years) and as she knows am very careful with it.

it’s an extremely unthoughtful and health damaging gift.

Sorry see my comment above forgot to click reply

I've just finished a masters so I do have friends but they live nowhere near me! I plan to get back to work soon so will definitely be super busy then and not have time to think about these things I'm sure 😅

Thanks all. Appreciate the mixed responses and will take it all on board. It's done and dusted now - I'd actually even forgotten about this thread lol - but just one of those things that stings a little at the time. As I mentioned a few times, did not mention to brother at all and don't worry, I never will!