Unsolicited parenting advice

[TicklishSheep]

I’m a FTM to a lovely almost five month old baby boy.

I’m really struggling with the amount of unsolicited advice I’m receiving from both my parents and my in-laws. Every time I see them I get comments about everything under the sun, but mainly about DS’s sleeping and naps. Things like “you just need to put him down”, “crying is good for his lungs”, “you’re spoiling him” (by contact napping, as this is currently the only way he will sleep during the day…trust me, I’ve tried), “why don’t you just put him in his room and see what happens”, and “he should be in his own room” etc etc.

I think it comes from a good place (maybe they think it’s helpful?), but it is starting to really stress me out and make me dread seeing either set of parents to be honest. His sleep is not something I’m worried about so I don’t know why they feel the need to comment at all, let alone repeatedly. DS usually sleeps through the night and has a couple of naps on me or DH or in his buggy during the day. We don’t mind. He’s only four months old and if that’s what he needs to nap at the moment, it doesn’t bother us at all. He’s only little once. Sleep training is not something I’m comfortable with, let alone just leaving him alone to cry.

My usual approach is to say something non committal like hmm maybe. Then just ignore them and hope they get the hint and stop. But the problem is they don’t seem to be getting the hint. I’ve even tried to gently explain why we’re doing what we’re doing (we want to create a secure attachment, SIDS guidelines etc) but the response was oh well see how well that works when he’s 4. But he’s not 4, he’s 4 months old…

There’s been a lot of other “advice” too that honestly I think is dangerous, like we should put whiskey on his gums to help teething, give him an ice block to chew on and so on. Then there’s the comments that are just irritating, like “he doesn’t look tired to me” when we’re trying to get him to nap (he definitely was tired).

Am I being unreasonable (are they just trying to help)? How can I get them to stop or at least cut down on the amount of comments/advice… do I need to be more blunt? I just don’t want to hear it anymore :(

I have found that you just have to say “no I’m not doing that” sometimes. The non committal thing just leads to my dad to “hint” more as he feels like you’ve not actually assessed his advice.

I did have to practice saying it to myself in the mirror before the first time.

My SiL had twins and took her mum with her to see the doctor when they were sick to hold one of them and casually asked about weaning. Her mum said the twins should be on baby rice by 4mo and the doctor happily shot that down.

Just politely explain that you appreciate where they are coming from but the unsolicited advice is stressing you out unnecessarily . A bit of straightforward communication is probably all that is needed before you jump to the go no contact /leave your husband recommendations that will appear on this thread

"We're good, thanks."

"No, I don't think so."

"That's not the recommended guidelines these days."

"Look if you want to be helpful here is some washing up to do/laundry to fold..."

If you've got a close relationship with them then just tell them - hey I know you probably just want to be helpful by offering these sorts of comments but I find them stressful. We're doing things this way because XYZ, the guidelines say this, I want to do it that way. If I'm struggling then I will ask for help. I'm confident in what I'm doing but this commentary is stressing me out, please stop. How you can help is XYZ.

Unfortunately the world and his wife are always ready to give you advice, whether you want it or not.

But if you want my advice.... i think 99.99% of mums would love to go back in time to have just one more of those lovely, sleepy, milk-drunk cuddles, so enjoy them while you can!

You won't be able to do anything to make them stop. You just need to learn to tune out their words. Don't volunteer any information about your parenting choices eg about sleep, aand if they ask avoid the subject. Personally I have gone low contact as it made me happier but you have to balance what is right for you.

You're not being unreasonable.
You need to be blunt but base your conversation on the relationship with each set of parents.
I would say something along the lines of 'Thanks for all your advice but I'm finding it a little overwhelming having so many opinions because I get different advice from both sets of grandparents and I'd like to just try and figure things out for myself to build up my confidence in my own parenting'
I was far more blunt with my own parents than that though.
But essentially even if they are trying to help, they're not and its okay to ask them to just enjoy spending time with their grandchild without getting involved in details of your parenting.
I got very good at saying 'the baby sleeps well' and then immediately changed the subject. When people were like this I told them my baby was perfect and we have no problems.
Sometimes you just have to not share much information with certain people who will only make you feel bad about anything they can find.
I would try to nip this in the bud now though because it won't get easier, they won't stop unless you put the boundary in place now.
But yeah we had a contact napper and people were so obsessed with telling me to put my baby down and just could not comprehend that I was perfectly happy with our set up, had no desire to change it, didn't need their help or advice with regards to it.
A lot of it I just tuned out, but if they pushed then I was firm in saying, thanks for your advice but we're not doing that, we're happy with what is currently working for us etc.

How old are these people. Whisky on the gums is some shit my nan would have said and she’d have turned 100 last year!!

Be firm, but be kind. They do have a lot of parenting experience, and some of it may be useful at some point.

I must say, I did get a taste for rum from my uncle rubbing it on my gums when I was a baby.

Just a thought if you are returning to work soon and putting him into childcare contact napping is horrendous and doesn't work. If not fine fo it as long as necessary

You're doing brilliantly. Unfortunately a lot of the old school advice is just so outdated, the pro sleep training brigade can be rather pushy with their outdated beliefs... God forbid you tell them Neuroscience disagrees with them 😬

You're meeting your child's needs and building a secure attachment... I'd just say 'nope, we are happy meeting my child where they are at'

Also it's certainly not advised for a 5 month old to sleep alone, so that advice is a SIDS risk too.

This sort of advice never stops, so you need to get used to it. Some of it will be far more offensive than what you are receiving right now!

Don’t pacify or be polite - just clearly communicate that you wish to do things your way and to please stop asserting their opinions on you. If you want advice you will ask for it.

This simply isn't true... it's all very baby dependent and a decent childcare will work with them to meet the child's needs

You could say something like 'everyone seems to want to give me advice, but we're doing fine thanks'.

People sometimes feel the need to offer outdated advice because they are anxious about the parenting they did. Times change, advice changes, most parents just do their best with the guidance around at the time.

Urgh, my MIL is the same. She drove me to the brink of insanity. I ended up with post natal anxiety and all the comments just made it much worse. So I feel for you OP. I ended up having to be quite forceful in the end and we almost fell out. But she learnt her lesson and doesn’t question me anymore

Honestly just be blunt, I had it with my friend bc I'd let my son nap on me and feed him to sleep, he's 2 now and gets himself to sleep perfectly fine. I just told her that I didn't want any advice, that I wanted to do things my way and if I needed any advice I would ask for it and she listened and took on board what I had said :)

This is what I was going to ask? Surely younger people these days don't believe all this. When I say younger - I'm 47 and I don't believe this, but my parents do. They are mid 70s.
People my age are grandparents and I can't imagine my generation spouting this shite (unless they are repeating what their parents told them).

Anyway, you'll get a lot more unsolicited advice, either just nod and ignore, or say "updated research suggests..." They will hate the latter response though, as people don't like being told they're wrong, but you can always back it up by saying research years ago suggested smoking whilst pregnant was healthy, so isn't it great that research is ongoing.

You do what you want to do.

on page 1 there are some good retorts back, I will add one “you do you and I’ll do me”. I think the “no were good thanks” and “if you want to make yourself useful food this laundry” love that !

I think it’s generally from a good place, but it’s unhelpful and can make Mums feel sad.

There is nothing worse. Have a few stock answers ready such as

"Oh really, well things have moved on a lot in 40 years so we are doing it in line with recent research and guidance"

"I know you're trying to help but we're just fine, thanks. Cup of tea?( or any other clear topic change)"

"Thanks, Mll, but I wouldn't be happy doing that."

And to anyone you feel comfortable enough to be very frank with go for "I don't know if you realise just how unhelpful you are actually being but I know you are well intentioned. How about you just let us get on with things as lo's parents and I'll let you know if I need any of your thoughts"

Always just smile, make a non committal noise of acknowledgement and then change the subject. For the totally insistent just shoot back once with "oh, not this again!"

You have to become as bold about handling them as they are about being so vocally critical of what you are doing. And most of all just stick to whatever it is you choose to do. Don't be swayed by them.

I've been reading a negotiating book, very interesting and it recommends just repeating what people say back to them, not the whole thing but the last sentence.

Makes them feel like you're listening and understand them but even better you don't actually give them an answer.

Just repeat the last thing they said (try not to do it sarcastically 😂) and then silence.

I was a young and single mother from the moment of birth and for some reason this meant everyone was certain that I both needed and wanted their advice. The phrase I found most useful was;

’yes that’s how some people do things. there is such a lot of advice out there isn’t there? We are establishing our own routine and patterns based on the advice of the [insert appropriate medical advisor here] who knows [baby]’ exact needs best. Thank you though.’

I found that I only generally had to say this to anyone once and they stopped offering unsolicited advice.

Advice is exactly what it is It can be freely given but doesn't have to be taken. Just listen , change the subject and do your own thing which makes you and baby happy. No need to justify it.
Enjoy your baby.

Depending on their age maybe start suggesting things that old people should be doing to prevent age related illnesses etc
they won’t like that!

also my now 15yo DS would only nap on another human which was so annoying at at the time as I just wanted to shower or use the bathroom alone while he napped. He now couldn’t imagine anything worse than a cuddle with us 😜

Can't stand people being told not to cuddle their babies or telling them to let them cry. You cannot spoil a baby! It also sounds like you don't even have issues with sleeping and even if you did it is up to you what works for you. Also no way should a four month old be in their own room.

I would strongly put your foot down now even if you do have to be blunt.

I am a grandparent and cannot imagine giving this sort of unasked for advice, especially as the stuff they are coming out with is very dated!

That sounds extremely frustrating, I'm irritated on your behalf even reading these examples! For some of the comments it could be helpful to point to current guidance and evidence e.g he 'should be in his own room' just say 'well current guidance is that babies need to be in the same room as parents, day and night' and surely they can't argue with that? For the other irritating comments I think you'll need to think of similar lines that (hopefully) means they won't say the same thing again next time as that can get really really annoying. Do you think they genuinely think they're being helpful? Or does it seem like they're trying to undermine you?