Unsolicited parenting advice

[TicklishSheep]

I’m a FTM to a lovely almost five month old baby boy.

I’m really struggling with the amount of unsolicited advice I’m receiving from both my parents and my in-laws. Every time I see them I get comments about everything under the sun, but mainly about DS’s sleeping and naps. Things like “you just need to put him down”, “crying is good for his lungs”, “you’re spoiling him” (by contact napping, as this is currently the only way he will sleep during the day…trust me, I’ve tried), “why don’t you just put him in his room and see what happens”, and “he should be in his own room” etc etc.

I think it comes from a good place (maybe they think it’s helpful?), but it is starting to really stress me out and make me dread seeing either set of parents to be honest. His sleep is not something I’m worried about so I don’t know why they feel the need to comment at all, let alone repeatedly. DS usually sleeps through the night and has a couple of naps on me or DH or in his buggy during the day. We don’t mind. He’s only four months old and if that’s what he needs to nap at the moment, it doesn’t bother us at all. He’s only little once. Sleep training is not something I’m comfortable with, let alone just leaving him alone to cry.

My usual approach is to say something non committal like hmm maybe. Then just ignore them and hope they get the hint and stop. But the problem is they don’t seem to be getting the hint. I’ve even tried to gently explain why we’re doing what we’re doing (we want to create a secure attachment, SIDS guidelines etc) but the response was oh well see how well that works when he’s 4. But he’s not 4, he’s 4 months old…

There’s been a lot of other “advice” too that honestly I think is dangerous, like we should put whiskey on his gums to help teething, give him an ice block to chew on and so on. Then there’s the comments that are just irritating, like “he doesn’t look tired to me” when we’re trying to get him to nap (he definitely was tired).

Am I being unreasonable (are they just trying to help)? How can I get them to stop or at least cut down on the amount of comments/advice… do I need to be more blunt? I just don’t want to hear it anymore :(

All normal imo

i had this in bucketloads OP I feel for you. It drove me bananas. Lots was advice I would never do and a bunch of it was dangerous.

i ignored for ages and ages and then I basically change the topic whenever my mum talked about baby. In the end I sent her a firm message to say stop saying the same thing over again. I was the parent she was no longer the mummy and to politely back off. It half worked. She still gives unwanted advice

More unsolicited advice for the OP.. people just can't help themselves!

It does not come from a good place, no: it comes from their own unprocessed generational dramas (even trauma, but MN hates us snowflakes that speak in these terms). Ignore it, for your and your beautiful child's sake. You are the Mother now: step into your almighty power, woman.
Congratulations 💐

the worst thing I did was to justify or explain why I was doing things my own way, it made PIL or parents think it was open to debate / discussion when it was absolutely not. So don’t feel like you have to stand up for your parenting style with facts and figures because they won’t care about data or science etc they want validation of their own decisions by encouraging you to copy them

I used to just ignore stuff like this. My mum never used to give unsolicited advice and my my mil was fine as well but she used to often have friends over when we were visiting and they were awful for it.
’that wean’s full of wind’ (one particular friends favourite refrain, she was obsessed with it even when my daughter was fine and settled).
’aw she doesn’t need a nap does she she’s visiting her granny’.
‘A wee drop tea won’t hurt her.’
I used to just ignore but some of it made me feel quite inadequate as a first time mum.
I would do the same. Ignore. Unless you have plans to let them babysit, in which case it’s important they know the guidance safe sleeping, weaning and will follow your wishes regarding not being left to cry it out.

The baby is 5 months old! Mine didn't go into childcare til he was 2 😂

Not in the least helpful. Have you missed the point of the post?
Anyway the OP said that baby sleeps in the pram sometimes so that is probably what childcare provider would do.

Op, honestly, in the early days with your first all the unsolicited advice drives you bananas. By the time you're on your second you honestly couldn't give a fuck what people say.
Just say "thanks for the advice but I'm OK you know" or "thanks I might look into that" then don't take a blind bit of notice.
Or just ignore them.

Just lean forward, playfully swat the back of their hand, wipe away tears of laughter and say ‘Oh, Gillian/Dad/Nigel, you’re such a hoot! You should do stand-up!’

Well since you never know which bit of advice you might actually want to follow, keep
listening, but tell them thanks for the advice and you discuss it with your partner and you may or may not take it.

You tell your parents.
Your partner tells their parents.

I felt like this with both sets of parents and health visitors. At first I thought health visitors were always right but I soon realised there’s different ways for everything, and we just followed the bits of advice that suited us.

One of DH’s colleagues was my best source of sensible advice.

You say your 'usual approach' to their interfering is 'non-committal' and that's the problem. You need to be more assertive, which will mean you'll be more honest too. It may sound hard, but you take a deep breath, look them square in the eye and say: "I'm his mother and if I want advice on this or anything else, I'll ask for it. Please stop this right now or you're not welcome here next time."
If they're big enough to dish out this rubbish to you, they're big enough to take your well-meaning comments to. Put your big girl pants on and get on with it.

I have gc from my eldest 2dd and I don't offer advice unless asked. I don't always agree but then my parents didn't always agree when I was bringing up my 4dc and were very vocal about it. Now my dc are aged 17 to 33 and my parents think I've done a very good job but you wouldn't have thought that from the comments they made.
It does make me laugh when there is a term for everything- contact naps, 4th month sleep regression etc.

Laugh and say oh no, that's not done now! As if they're joking. Then ignore. I ignored everyone when my youngest was a poor sleeper. We didn't leave him to cry, as I don't believe in doing that. He was comforted, and although it was difficult for us, he grew out of it and slept really well in the end. Your child, your gut feeling, your choices. We all stand with you xx

Be blunt. Tell them that their advice is really outdated. You cannot spoil a baby by loving them. And it is definitely not good for lungs for them to cry!!
just say if I want advice I will ask you for it but I’m following what is recommended by my midwife/health visitor and up to date information.

Unsolicited advice is usually annoying in any context. I think it always feels even worse in the context of parenting because even if the person giving the advice doesn't mean this, it tends to sound as though they're saying 'you're not a good enough parent' or 'I could parent your child better than you'. As a first-time mum in particular, it is understandable to be really sensitive to that sort of message, I think, especially as we are trying to find our own way as parents.

The advice your in-laws are giving does not sound very good - by which I mean in line with current thinking. I completely agree with the loads of great suggestions on here about how to handle it. Polite assertiveness is your friend - it isn't always easy, and with really stubborn, persistent advice-givers I think it's sometimes necessary to become less polite in order to ensure you are making your boundary clear and forceful enough.

I would add, however, that shutting down the idea of ever welcoming any advice ever might not be the best idea. As a parent there will probably be times over the next 18 years (and beyond!) where you will struggle with something and be stuck for ideas, and I don't think it's great if you're stuck in a position where you can never admit to any problems or show any openness to ideas. For example, I found most of my MIL's initial parenting advice very unhelpful but as my DC has moved into the toddler stage, I've found my MIl sometimes offering a valuable perspective or noticing something when she's looking after my DC that I haven't noticed myself. I tend to take the position with her that I'm ok with listening to her advice and thinking for myself about whether to take it.

My MIL is very gentle and unassuming however so I completely respect that this approach isn't possible for everyone - some people need to be asked to butt out more firmly!

It's not generally a good idea to expect people to take hints in my experience. If you want or don't want something, try communicating this clearly and honestly where you can. I've learned this one the hard way too.

Thanks so much everyone! There’s some great suggestions here. I think I definitely need to be clearer and more firm.

You’re right, I think the issue is that it feels like they’re being very critical. Usually I could just brush off any advice I disagree with, but it very much feels like they’re trying to say I’m doing ‘it’ wrong. Which is frustrating, because I honestly feel like everything has been going so well and DS is such a chilled out, lovely little baby.

I wonder also if it’s some kind of attempt to justify their own parenting decisions by criticising me (like they did it right and I’m doing it wrong) when they see me doing things so differently. I think most of it is a genuine attempt to be helpful, but I do suspect this probably comes into as well.

They’re all in their 60s and had kids in the 90s, so young enough to know better (especially with the whiskey rubbish!).

I definitely think sometimes people feel like you doing something differently to them is a judgement on their parenting and it makes them feel more justified in their decisions if they can convince you to do the same. I have felt this from people in my social group as well as my mum.

This. We still get unsolicited advice now and my DS is a toddler.

You just have to be firm, “glad that worked for you but we’re doing this” or “No I won’t be doing that, this works for us”

And mine went when he was 3 months. Everyone is different everyone has different situations and different needs.

Of course, everyone's different, but it was just the way the pp just assumed.

@TicklishSheep How OLD are these people???I am prepared to bet they are lounger than me, and most of the things you quote were outdated when MY children were babies!

I had the same issues with my now 6 year old who was premature so sleep was a freaky time for us subsequently we had a next to me crib for the first year and the cot in our room for the second year my mil was horrified that we kept the routine of sleeping together through daytime naps until zonking out on the sofa became a thing it wasn’t until the cot was out grown that the room sharing stopped but now there’s no sleep issues at all unless there’s an upset of dreams or being poorly bedtime comes and goes without issue ignore them or tell them your doing this your way respectfully it’s not their child

"Oh, I'm not looking for advice, thanks!".

Cherish those contact naps, they stop so soon 😩