Sorry big rant!!! Furious because my Husband is not taking 3 year olds safety seriously, he did not use a car seat today!

[Katej82]

Hi so there have been many problems with mine and my husbands parenting styles we are 100 miles apart and it's not good. However there's always been a few things that have really concerned me , he doesn't watch out daughter properly or hold her hand on pick up says she runs off into the nursery car park he's just what I see as a lazy parent. Generally he's just too busy for anyone but his other wife ( his mobile) I'm being serious when I say that man walks into the home after work looking at the screen hears no one! Last few days I'm noticing more and more that he doesn't follow little one into kitchen say I'm upstairs oven on she's in the knife drawer he's too lazy to move. So I talk to him he thinks I'm unreasonable. Now tonight I'm telling little one a story and she says I couldn't sit in my car seat tonight it's broken! Just innocently came out with it I had no idea, then She says I sat on big seat in the front next to dad's. Strap apparently unclipped somehow 5 days ago and he's not fixed it in 5 days he could have called me I wfh 5 mins from nursery I could have gone for her, walking or car but what did he do sit her in the front passenger seat with just the adult seatbelt😡 I'm mortified I told him I'm disgusted that he did that it's so dangerous I know how dangerous my work centres road traffic accidents and I've seen some bad ones. Then comes to me cooking tea and he's doing bath time.

I take towels upstairs and there he is on his mobile phone again with his back turned to our little one he's stood about a metre away near sink back completely turned taking 0 notice of her in the bath whilst with his beloved phone! this is not the first time and our daughter is quite hyper and silly she needs supervision as all 3 year olds should in the bath but she really can get silly as they do stands up , slips falls back I've had to catch her a few times to stop her going under, don't people realise you can't hear a child drown !! Same with food he doesn't watch her choking is silent, the thing is with him is that he's really hooked you have to call his name like 5 times to get him out of whatever zone he's into on his phone. .I'm disgusted and disappointed with him to say the least. I told him tonight to grow up this is not negotiable out daughters safety is not negotiable I'm not parenting him to be able to parent oh no he needs to grow up. in some ways he does it on purpose so I'll pick up more as I don't trust him 1 bit. There's other things I can't go out of the house for fear he will fall asleep he does have a sleep condition but let's say he's fine when he's doing what he wants I leave him for 5 mins to nip to shop and she's climbing windows dragging things out trashing home he's snoring his head iff. In my opinion he's completely selfish and childish for a 51 year old he acts like a teenager I'm 42 and hoped we would be good as older parents and I'm really considering that I can't stay with someone who does not take the safety of their child seriously. My worry is if we were to separate he would get contact which I'd not stop but I don't think he's safe to look after her unsupervised. There's a lot of other things too he's really neglected me for his phone he's completely addicted to his phone through I once had a right go at him for reading his phone while driving playing about with getting a signal for his stupid horse racing I honestly feel I've had it. He knows this too he's booked us a week abroad to try and see if we can get it back but I don't know it's just unbelievable. I was madly in love with this man but he's drove me to despair I feel genuinely like me and my daughter deserve better. You would really have to see it to believe it my teens try to get home early when I work late on the weds so he's not alone with her it's that bad. Sorry for the long post am I being unreasonable? I don't believe in compromise where safety is concerned myself it's different with other parenting matters but not safety.

Oh how dreadful 😭 that's so so sad yes maybe I could find a group or something to state what can happen what happened.. I just remembered he's had 12 points for speeding in the past and been to court. He's on 6 points now but there's always something else to blame. Whoever mentioned the dopamine you are 💯 correct I found out he was previously on cocaine. He's also a binge eater and binge drinks occasionally he's got a very addictive personality. He's a delight 🤣 on a serious note we had a really great start and wedding etc we knew each other many years ago but once he's got his feet under the table everything changed mainly when we had baby. She's my priority maybe he's jealous. But he's a selfish man who I think deserves his phone because one day soon he will regret this he will be all alone in his little phone world. He lives in my house I say ours but it was mine before he won't afford his own place not with 2 maintenance payments and his other beloved his car. Sad he has not learnt his lesson from his first marriage clearly he hasn't. I know I have and will always regret not trying harder with my ex husband who I am still very good friends with we had a good life together and great co parent he's a great dad so I feel sorry for my little one. The only good is got my little girl she's amazing. I've asked we see someone counceller but he's always avoided I think now it's that or nothing. I'm getting my ducks in a row and see how it goes but little one will not be alone with him again.

Exactly 💯 I've talked to him about this she can say daddy 5 or 6 times he never does anything with her really he's just not interested unless it's something he likes. I floor play paint play doh bake walks parks. He's just got no interest at all. It's his loss but I feel for my little one not having a dad who's really interested in her. I now realise why his older daughter is so needy bless her it's neglect. I said to him tonight that he neglects us especially little one for his phone. He makes up silly excuses like it's only the same as watching TV I said but TV is not carried around distracting from driving from little one etc he's a jerk a big one I'm so close to not going on this holiday with him.

I think he has my message. It's basically us or the phone ie he needs to massively reduce his screen time and no taking it in the bathroom and I also said he's probably done it on purpose knowing I will have to do it pick up the small amount he does I bath her mainly take her nursery play stories everything bedtimes weekend fun he does very very little as it is, and he knows I won't let him bath her now. He's just a shit. I'm getting stronger and I won't back down on safeguarding no way

@Katej82 yes it sounds like he's checked out and also has some addiction issues, bit sad to be addicted to a phone, he's not 16! Could you get him to stop using it in the daytimes and just use a laptop?

If you are already mentally planning the custody battle I think it's over.

Yes I guess your right. I've also done a will too. I added for he guardians ensure supervised contact only if he survives me. It's sad because I was madly and deeply in love with him I have never felt so in love in that even after the initial excitement wore down I adored him right up to about 3 months after we got married, he's taken my love for granted and his children for granted ( it's only hard if your actually being a parent) and now I'm gone I think. His behaviour has changed me completely in that I've given up hope and hope for a happy future with a person I can no longer respect I can't when he's such a poor parent and not really a partner. There have been ongoing issues in the relationship since we got married and it's only been 1.5 years since our wedding which was picture perfect on a Montenegro cliff overlooking the sea. I'd say that time since we married has been the most miserable time of my life and I've felt completely unsure about what to do hoping things would get better. I didn't want another divorce my last relationship lasted 23 years, this almost 6 but I knew him in my past so we instantly clicked and thought it was forever. I don't think I could ever be with anyone else ever again I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life because I just can't go through this and I know I won't feel what I felt for him because my heart won't allow it again. I know people say it but I truly believed fate brought us back together I was crazy about him in the past the time we reconnected we lived a fair distance from one another and just crossed paths after 20 odd years. Sorry I'm waffling I think I've got realisation I've spoken with my friend yesterday I've not told anyone before apart from my mum who's just picked up things. We're going away tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it at all I know he's going to be his old self temporarily for the ' romantic getaway' I'll struggle to not feel guilty if I ask him to leave which right now is what I'm feeling. I can't stand him to be honest.

It's extremely childish. I'm struggling to understand why he should be allowed to laxe our weekend away on a laptop yes maybe so he can't carry about but . That's the thing we both work ft and although he will do Hoover and floor mopping I do the majority of everything else shopping cooking deep clean. Childcare he does sod all else but think he's a hero for mopping downstairs to then lie on sofa on his phone all day

Choking and drowning are silent.

I'm considering gathering enough evidence and making an application for full custody without him knowing with supervised contact and divorce.

Do not do this. Make a log for your own records, but don't present said log as evidence because it is a waste of time and will not go down well in court. You can have men who are convicted of violence towards the mother and they get awarded contact. This will be seen as a parenting difference, not grounds for supervised contact. Even the legal stuff like not using a car seat. The most you will get is a court order saying he has to use a car seat - but even this is unlikely - there is a law saying that now and he isn't following it.

The relationship sounds like it's over, so yes go and see a solicitor, particularly to find out what your rights are WRT any finances, house etc, but don't wait around trying to amass evidence that he is a risk to her. One of the worst posts I ever read on here was from a mother who had always despaired at her husband's lax attitude towards safety and unfortunately this had resulted in an accident which injured her poor daughter terribly. I will never forget it.

It is difficult to avoid unsupervised contact when you live together without being overly controlling - it is weirdly easier to do it when you're apart. He's not going to rush for 50/50 - he just won't. He wouldn't have time to gamble and play games. If I were you I would facilitate contact, ie, if he asks and comes up with a reasonable plan, then agree and make her available, but don't run around after him making arrangements or doing the organising for him, and do put totally reasonable boundaries in place e.g. no he can't just pop round when he feels like it with no prior arrangement. Most likely, he will rarely get round to doing the organising, and dine out on a sob story of "she never lets me see my daughter!". You do have to just become immune to this and tune it out. It is sad in a way but it's also a very low conflict way to go.

By this BTW I mean:

He texts you saying "When can I see DD?" (this is the usual low-effort request IME)

You DO NOT reply "How about Thursday afternoon?" - you reply something like "DD would love to see you. Let me know your proposed arrangements and we can discuss."

He will then either

1. Go silent because making the arrangement is too hard. (No follow up from you needed).
2. Start texting about irrelevant stuff like telling you how much he misses her or some other thing. Ignore this - or if it's bothering you or he is being persistent try "XH, we are separated. I only want to talk if it's something about DD which we both need to know."
3. Reply something like "What works for you?" - trying to get you to do the work for him. Broken record this, reply with "Let me know what your plans are for seeing DD, and we can discuss."
4. Reply with an actual plan, e.g. "I was thinking I could take her to see my mum on Sunday" or "I could come over in half an hour".

If you get answer 4, then decide whether it's reasonable for you or not and say

"OK, see you then"

or - "6pm doesn't work for me, as it's too late and gets her too excited to sleep. Earlier in the day would be better." (again, don't suggest days. You've given him info, he can suggest another day!)

or - "DD would love to see Nan as well. What time shall I drop her off?" (if you don't want him driving her) or even "What time shall we meet you there?" (if you don't want to leave her with him even with another adult there).

If DD gets upset about missing him between visits, don't text him and tell him she's upset or she wants to see him, or ask him when he is next seeing her. It is not your job to do his contact arrangements for him. Keep the rule of making her available, but doing none of the organising and running around (except perhaps in pursuit of avoiding him driving her).

Keep texts factual and minimal, never emotional.
Do not make suggestions for him. Do give him relevant information if he asks directly - e.g. he has established his plan to take her to the park at the end of your street on Monday for 1 hour, and he wants to know what time would be convenient to pick her up. Or he has established a plan to take her out for lunch, and is asking what food she likes - even then, minimal and factual. "Chicken nuggets" not "McDonalds' happy meal with chips and ketchup".

Imagine reading out all your own texts in court with "Your Honour" after them - this is a fantastic rule to stick to the principles of keeping DD available and never refusing contact, but also not chasing him to have contact. It's his call that way.

Good luck!

WTF!

Thank you for your response and ideas. Believe it or not I'm a legal executive but not in family Ibut I know a lot of people. It's different when it's happening to you it's hard to see it from a legal perspective. My older teens have been witness to everything but obviously they are not completely impartial it will hold some weight. If I do as you suggest he will have me on parental alienation I expect even though it's pleasant he is very intelligent believe it or not. He's very persistent in he always gets what he wants. He is now not alone with her, the evidence gathering is continuing. It's not easy for me to leave him alone with her and the thought of him having her unsupervised fills me with dread. He will apply to court if he gets any incling at all. I do need to speak to a family solicitor but for now I'm stuck I'm going away today little one is with gran and big sister for a week. I might as well take a break although will it be a break with him!!

Right. And life is a constant series of risk assessments - everyone will assess each situation slightly differently depending on all sorts of variables. I'm comfortable pottering about upstairs and checking on my 2.5yo every few minutes in the bath; another person might be comfortable with that just before 2, or at 4, or at 8... I think most people would agree that doing so with a 6 month old is unacceptable, but with toddlers and older children people are going to draw the lines in different places.
Same with when to leave a child home alone, when to let them go to the park alone, when to stop cutting their grapes in half, how high to let them climb on the climbing frame, whether to cosleep, when to turn their car seat forward-facing etc etc etc. People will argue vociferously for one thing or another, but really, each parent has to weigh up the risks themselves.

I think it depends on each individual child. Our child jumps she's hyper she will throw back it's not safe. I have heard of so many children drowning because a parent popped out for towels it takes a second. Car seat is one thing no car seat is quite another.

Please please please supervise your children in the bath. This thread is deeply worrying - all guidance recommends 5 as a minimum age, it’s very different to letting a child build resilience in a playground by learning what is a bit too big for them. You don’t get a second chance testing that in a bath.