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AIBU?

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Sorry big rant!!! Furious because my Husband is not taking 3 year olds safety seriously, he did not use a car seat today!

39 replies

Katej82 · 29/01/2025 01:00

Hi so there have been many problems with mine and my husbands parenting styles we are 100 miles apart and it's not good. However there's always been a few things that have really concerned me , he doesn't watch out daughter properly or hold her hand on pick up says she runs off into the nursery car park he's just what I see as a lazy parent. Generally he's just too busy for anyone but his other wife ( his mobile) I'm being serious when I say that man walks into the home after work looking at the screen hears no one! Last few days I'm noticing more and more that he doesn't follow little one into kitchen say I'm upstairs oven on she's in the knife drawer he's too lazy to move. So I talk to him he thinks I'm unreasonable. Now tonight I'm telling little one a story and she says I couldn't sit in my car seat tonight it's broken! Just innocently came out with it I had no idea, then She says I sat on big seat in the front next to dad's. Strap apparently unclipped somehow 5 days ago and he's not fixed it in 5 days he could have called me I wfh 5 mins from nursery I could have gone for her, walking or car but what did he do sit her in the front passenger seat with just the adult seatbelt😡 I'm mortified I told him I'm disgusted that he did that it's so dangerous I know how dangerous my work centres road traffic accidents and I've seen some bad ones. Then comes to me cooking tea and he's doing bath time.

I take towels upstairs and there he is on his mobile phone again with his back turned to our little one he's stood about a metre away near sink back completely turned taking 0 notice of her in the bath whilst with his beloved phone! this is not the first time and our daughter is quite hyper and silly she needs supervision as all 3 year olds should in the bath but she really can get silly as they do stands up , slips falls back I've had to catch her a few times to stop her going under, don't people realise you can't hear a child drown !! Same with food he doesn't watch her choking is silent, the thing is with him is that he's really hooked you have to call his name like 5 times to get him out of whatever zone he's into on his phone. .I'm disgusted and disappointed with him to say the least. I told him tonight to grow up this is not negotiable out daughters safety is not negotiable I'm not parenting him to be able to parent oh no he needs to grow up. in some ways he does it on purpose so I'll pick up more as I don't trust him 1 bit. There's other things I can't go out of the house for fear he will fall asleep he does have a sleep condition but let's say he's fine when he's doing what he wants I leave him for 5 mins to nip to shop and she's climbing windows dragging things out trashing home he's snoring his head iff. In my opinion he's completely selfish and childish for a 51 year old he acts like a teenager I'm 42 and hoped we would be good as older parents and I'm really considering that I can't stay with someone who does not take the safety of their child seriously. My worry is if we were to separate he would get contact which I'd not stop but I don't think he's safe to look after her unsupervised. There's a lot of other things too he's really neglected me for his phone he's completely addicted to his phone through I once had a right go at him for reading his phone while driving playing about with getting a signal for his stupid horse racing I honestly feel I've had it. He knows this too he's booked us a week abroad to try and see if we can get it back but I don't know it's just unbelievable. I was madly in love with this man but he's drove me to despair I feel genuinely like me and my daughter deserve better. You would really have to see it to believe it my teens try to get home early when I work late on the weds so he's not alone with her it's that bad. Sorry for the long post am I being unreasonable? I don't believe in compromise where safety is concerned myself it's different with other parenting matters but not safety.

OP posts:
Twaddlepip · 29/01/2025 05:06

You both deserve better than this old, selfish, gambling-addicted, shit father.

Would he bother to see her if you left/made him leave?

Log his dangerous car seat activities with the police. It may help a case that if he does see her, it has to be supervised. Also log each and every other time he fails to parent her properly.

sashh · 29/01/2025 05:51

Leave his phone at home when you go on the holiday.

That seems to be the root of the problem. You need it to be locked away when he is home.

Costcolover · 29/01/2025 06:05

You need this idiot out of your house and away from your kids!

MissRachelismycoparent · 29/01/2025 06:08

At least when you're together you can supervise his parenting. If you split could you really trust him to look after DC alone? He sounds like an idiot

ConcernedOfClapham · 29/01/2025 06:14

Unfortunately, it seems you married - and then procreated with - a twat.

Were there really no signs before it went this far?

The trouble now is, if you split he will undoubtedly be given some access to her which you won't be there to monitor. This sounds frightening and I'm sorry, but I really don't know what the answer is.

SharonEllis · 29/01/2025 06:25

Its not just safety, if he's on his phone all the time he's not engaging with her. Does he ever talk to her or play with her? What is the point of him?

Carouselfish · 29/01/2025 06:31

Tell h, out of her hearing, that he isn't giving her the.message that the phone is more important and interesting than she is and that he is missing her childhood staring at his fucking screen. Get him an app that says how long he has been on it.
The safety is one thing hut he is missing out of having any kind of relationship with her or you.

Carouselfish · 29/01/2025 06:32

He IS giving the message, sorry

404ErrorCode · 29/01/2025 06:58

What is he doing on his phone exactly that is so important, above the safety/engagement of his child? 🙄

I would want to know what’s got his attention.

parietal · 29/01/2025 07:32

If he is gambling on his phone, have a good look at money and check for debt. It is incredibly easy to lose a lot of money online very quickly. And you don't want the family savings to be replaced by debt as well as everything else.

I agree with others that the phone seems to be a major problem. Can you get him to agree to some chunks of time with no phones for anyone?

Katej82 · 29/01/2025 13:42

Twaddlepip · 29/01/2025 05:06

You both deserve better than this old, selfish, gambling-addicted, shit father.

Would he bother to see her if you left/made him leave?

Log his dangerous car seat activities with the police. It may help a case that if he does see her, it has to be supervised. Also log each and every other time he fails to parent her properly.

Yes he would because he like other people to think he's Mr perfect daddy. I recorded him the other day when he fell asleep looking after her. ...I'm considering gathering enough evidence and making an application for full custody without him knowing with supervised contact and divorce. Or provision that she's not left alone with him at his mum's but his mum would probably be off on her 3 hour walks his mum is great but she likes her own things I don't blame her she's older. His family are lovely but I can't tolerate this.

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 29/01/2025 13:45

Not watching her in the bath and putting her in the front seat with an adult seatbelt are so so stupid, I cannot even fathom it.

it’s you or the phone but until that decision is made, do not leave him unsupervised with your child.

custardpyjamas · 29/01/2025 13:48

Can you agree some non-phone time, to make some proper family time instead. If he understands how bad it's getting having some rules in place may help him get control of his obsession with the phone. it's sometimes easier if there is a rule.

custardpyjamas · 29/01/2025 13:59

I wouldn't do it, but it's pretty unlikely to get in an accident that one time the child seat was broken. I hope he was driving very carefully and that it was all speed restricted in a built up area, so most accidents would be just fender benders.

Presumably he could hear her splashing about in the bath, I can't say I watched every second when mine were three, I would be listening all the time and it would be very shallow water though.

Some people are much more anxious than others, and he is obviously much more relaxed as a dad than you are as a mum, but the phone thing needs fixing that would drive me nuts.

AnotherDunromin · 29/01/2025 14:07

The car seat issue, and checking the horse racing (!) on the phone whilst driving are both absolutely unacceptable.
The bath and the supervised eating I think are more subjective. DD is 2.5 and I pop in and out while she's in the bath, and just listen out for her chatting/singing/splashing. I don't always actively watch her eating but, again, I'll be nearby and keep an eye on her every few minutes. And I don't think I'm a particularly "free-range" sort of parent.
Phone addiction is a real thing and I think probably interferes with a lot of parenting. It's difficult to break the habit unless you want to. Does he want to?

NikkiAlexander · 29/01/2025 14:23

AnotherDunromin · 29/01/2025 14:07

The car seat issue, and checking the horse racing (!) on the phone whilst driving are both absolutely unacceptable.
The bath and the supervised eating I think are more subjective. DD is 2.5 and I pop in and out while she's in the bath, and just listen out for her chatting/singing/splashing. I don't always actively watch her eating but, again, I'll be nearby and keep an eye on her every few minutes. And I don't think I'm a particularly "free-range" sort of parent.
Phone addiction is a real thing and I think probably interferes with a lot of parenting. It's difficult to break the habit unless you want to. Does he want to?

You don't watch her in the bath at 2.5? Madness.

UpUpUpU · 29/01/2025 14:44

I am a very lax parent but those who don’t watch their 2 and 3 year olds in the bath are insane!

You are 100% not being unreasonable OP.

How does he react when you say let’s have a phone free evening?

Penguinmouse · 29/01/2025 15:27

Toddlers really should be supervised in the bath! Listening for splashing is not enough.

Katej82 · 29/01/2025 20:07

I really do appreciate everything you have all said. But those that leave their toddler in bath nipping in and out. You can't hear drowning and even an inch is enough. The biggest child death in the UK is drowning in the bath 😭 please supervise your babies in the water.

OP posts:
Katej82 · 29/01/2025 20:14

UpUpUpU · 29/01/2025 14:44

I am a very lax parent but those who don’t watch their 2 and 3 year olds in the bath are insane!

You are 100% not being unreasonable OP.

How does he react when you say let’s have a phone free evening?

He wouldn't survive he can't get through a film without it. I've had enough of it all I am going to give him a final ultimatum because he's had chances to put things right then he goes and does stupid things. I'm really losing feelings for him because of the behaviour.

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 29/01/2025 20:18

I'd take the phone out his hands and smash it.

No doubt that would be criminal damage and DV and 'controlling behaviour', but its what it leads you to isnt it

Either that or dig a hole in the garden for him

Everydayimhuffling · 29/01/2025 20:28

Start keeping records of his inability to keep her safe. I would start by texting him that he cannot have her in the car until the seat is fixed or replaced as he has driven with her illegally x number of times.

ScabbyHorse · 29/01/2025 22:05

I would tell him he has to take a parenting course and keep his phone in a cupboard when he is supposed to be engaging with family members. It could be dopamine addiction, especially if he gambles. He needs to go on a dopamine detox. And I would be curious about what he's doing on his phone that is more important than his daughter and partner

Coatsoff42 · 29/01/2025 22:16

Im not sure if there are any reasons to stay with him?

about the car seats, I knew a lady a few years ago I met in hospital, sadly she had been in a big car crash, not really her fault, but her kids had not had their seat belts done up, they kept messing around and she kept shouting at them to do them up. But there was a big crash, both her kids died, she had terrible injuries to her face and legs. Then while she was laying there, the police officially arrested her for death by dangerous driving.
i can’t think of anything worse, and legally she was to blame for not stopping and pulling the car over and making them safe.
Maybe the father of your child would appreciate to learn that lesson from someone else, not on his own?

Katej82 · 29/01/2025 23:43

ScabbyHorse · 29/01/2025 22:05

I would tell him he has to take a parenting course and keep his phone in a cupboard when he is supposed to be engaging with family members. It could be dopamine addiction, especially if he gambles. He needs to go on a dopamine detox. And I would be curious about what he's doing on his phone that is more important than his daughter and partner

I have stated this. Why prioritise a phone when you should be supervising a child you are meant to love. I've basically told him it's us or the phone I've told him I will not compromise on child safety at all and I am very disappointed with how he has turned into a 'lazy' parent...he's not actually parenting he never listens to her he disgusts me to be honest but his response was just as appalling ' in your opinion ' I said yes and the order children my mother and family they all think he's a waste of space, I asked him to call his mother on loud speaker to get her input he didn't.... I mean it, if he doesn't step up he'll be out let him take me to court see how far he gets I'll get his ex wife involved. I now believe the reason she stuck around was until their child was older so she did not have this issue with him looking after her alone. I'll let him stick around under my supervision and gather evidence in the process get a solicitor ready etc. I have tolerance for most things but place my child at serious risk then my tolerance is gone. My babies come first. X

OP posts:
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