Living with ex husband for 3 years now - unable to sell

[MummyZeeUK]

Hi everyone,
I would appreciate any feedback from ladies who are or were in a similar situation as me..
I've been divorced for over 3 years now, but still living with my ex husband and our children under the same roof..
House in both our names, mortgage is also under both names..
It started off with ex not wanting to sell, and playing games until we lost two viable buyers.. then the market slowed down, and I was made redundant from my job of 9 years..
Currently each one of us lives in their room, and we alternate the use of common areas (kitchen, living room, etc) each week.. basically, the parent who is looking after the kids gets to use the common areas, while the other parent stays locked in their room until it's their turn to look after the kids.
This situation has caused me so much anxiety and stress, I feel ashamed and I have been trying hard to hide it from people I meet.. I feel trapped, unable to move on with my life, or project myself into the future.
I would appreciate any advice or stories from women who have been through a similar situation.. maybe mine is not bad after all :(

This sounds unbearable.

Is the house still up for sale? Have you spoken to the estate agent about the price.

I would be reducing by at least 10-15% to sell now.

Are things that bad that you have to alternate use of common areas? Can't you just act like housemates who don't know each other v well?

If it isn’t selling then it’s the price. Speak to the agent and get it lowered to whatever it needs to be at to sell ASAP.

That sounds like an awful way to live for you and more importantly, the children. You can’t do another three years of this, neither of you are moving on or living your lives in a healthy way at all.

@BlueMum16 @MissUltraViolet Yes, the house is still up for sale, and the asking price has already been reduced by 12% since we first put it on sale.
We lost two buyers because my ex refused to just cash in and move to a rental property. Instead he wasted time looking for properties to buy and got into a chain that fell apart twice.. after 6 months in the first round, and after 9 months in the second round..
My friends are encouraging me to force sell, and to put the property in auction.. which is a shame because that will mean even more financial loss for me.. I will probably never be able to get on the property ladder again.. so I don't want to rush into making a decision based on emotions.. hence why I started this thread to gather some valuable feedback on my situation

@ladykale We had a few instances of DV in the past when we were still married, hence why I'm trying to avoid physical contact with him.

Oh gosh, it sounds awful. How old are the kids? Is your ex husband not bothered by the effect this will be having on them?

Honestly - I’d go about my day in the house, any hint of DV I’d contact the police and have him removed.

Who's paying the mortgage? Do you have your own income?

Personally, I'd move out into a rental and leave him to it - from what you've said, you won't be buying another place anyway so why not start your new life now, why wait?

Perhaps once he's fully responsible for the mortgage and no longer has any hold over you, he'll get on with things, but if not you can go down the legal path to force sale, from a safe distance.

@UncharteredWaters It happened in the past, back in 2022, and the police came and removed ME!! They asked me to pack a small bag for me and the kids, and to stay in a hostel until they do their investigation (which ended up taking 3 months!). That has made me lose faith in police, social services, and the whole judiciary system in this country.

Surely if he can't afford the mortgage on his own and just stops paying it will ruin her credit rating as she is named as responsible for the debt? Not many people can pay a family home mortgage on their own anymore.

That is fucking awful. I can see why you lose faith in support systems

Auction?

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice I am soooo tempted to do it this way.. thanks for the advice .. I'll probably need to check with a solicitor first to confirm that I will not lose my share of the equity after it is sold, since we bought the house together and we were contributing 50/50 towards it all this time.

Your house has probably gone stale on the market. How about taking it off for a month, sprucing it up, if possible and then putting it back on with new photos.
Make sure the asking price is absolutely realistic.

Are you getting any visits ? No visits means the price is too high.

@Vera87 I'd love to hear from someone who had to force their ex to put their joint property in auction. I heard in the past that it has to be sold through court, and that the process takes from 8 months to a year.. I wonder if I'llneed to hire a solicitor for that.. or maybe I'm over complicating things in my head..

@LeavesOnTrees You're absolutely right.. 3 years on the market is a loooong time.. I may get in touch with a different estate agent, and try to restart the process again before I go down the auction route.
The house did get lots of visits back in 2022 and 2023, but that was a different market..

I bought a house from a couple where the man had deliberate lost sales as he didn't want to sell the house. His wife took him to court for divorce and told the judge about exh deliberately jeopardising several sales even at full asking price he had agreed with EA. The judge ordered the house to be sold within 6 months or else he'd award the wife a larger share to compensate for exh behaviour. She had an email from EA telling her a buyer had offered full asking price but exh had refused to sell despite him being the one to state quite a high price in the first place as evidence to show the judge. I offered quite a few £k less than what the previous buyer had offered but as only 3 months left before exh would get a smaller share they both agreed to sell to me. The wife just wanted to move on with her life and her exh was using the house to control what she could do. The judge obviously recognised this. In your shoes I'd take the house off the market for 2 months. Have a critical look at any little jobs that need doing. Spruce it up with a garden tidy and have nice bulbs in tubs etc. Make sure all pruning is done. Shape edges of any lawns. Reduce the house price so that people in a lower price bracket would see it, and put it on with a different EA so you get new fresh photos done. Declutter and freshen up paintwork first. Try to get photos taken on a nice bright day as it will look lighter in photos.

I don't think it's just that it was a different market. I completely back the person who's said take it off and put it back on.

I would get incredibly cautious of any house that had been on the market for 12 months+, and I really don't think I'd view anything that had been up for 2-3 years. I'd be thinking there was something majorly wrong with it. I think a lot of people would think the same.

It needs to come down, little spruce up, different estate agent and one who 100% understands the situation (independent estate agents can be good for this) and get that it needs to be a quick sale.

Please exhaust this first. It sounds such a horrible situation.

@caringcarer Thank you so much for sharing this story with me..this gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.. I need to catch my breath and get working on this stuff again.. sometimes I'm too much in my head and lack action, but now it's time to take matters into my hands. Thank you!

@treesocks23 Yes, I agree. We're in the south east, so it looks very suspicious that that it has taken so long to sell.

What's your ex's attitude towards the sale and moving on separately now?

Sometimes you have to play a bit of brinkmanship with people to get what you want! The house is on the market, the more likely scenario is that he'll agree to accept an offer and sell, rather than ruin his own credit rating.

Lots of people wait until the spring to buy because it usually means they can move ahead of a new school year for DC. Not many people want to move over Xmas and NY. I'd freshen it up and go for a spring sale.

Sounds like he’s trying to control you and the situation: Do not stand for it good luck 🤞

What about trying one of those firms who offer a quick cash settlement? I know you're likely to get less but it gets you out of a crappy situation. It might just make him realise that you're serious about wanting out and give him the kick up the arse he needs.
I've never tried them but do know someone who has and yes she lost money but she was free of a controlling man.
I've been in your situation and it lasted roughly 18 months. Thankfully no children but it is soul destroying. Sending hugs