Why did you stay in your controlling relationship?

[OrangePippa]

For those who stayed too long in abusive/controlling relationships, why did you stay? I did leave in the end, but stayed much too long - for me I think it was because I didn't see it as control, I saw it as a manifestation of his insecurity/anxiety, so I felt I couldn't leave as that would be abandoning him when he was down. I still sort of feel this, even though I can see in retrospect that it was controlling behaviour.

Oops didn't mean to keep the poll

I was too scared of what he'd do when I left. Luckily I did leave and he did nothing because he was too scared of the relative who'd helped me😂

I didn't realise it was controlling until I left. Until then I thought I was unhappy because I was ungrateful and didn't appreciate him.

Yep, that's how deeply he'd clawed his views into my psyche.

Once I left it took a good few years to peel away all the habits which he'd steered me into and rediscover my own mind.

I really wanted (and want) kids. I'd been with him for 7 years, was approaching 40 and thought if I left and started again I would be pushing it too late to have children. Every year I stayed with him compounded the problem as I was slightly older so finding someone new, and establishing a relationship before time ran out was less likely; but it was also even more apparent I couldn't bring kids into that situation

Were you scared of what he might do physically?

Yes, I recognise this

Sorry you went through that x

Of course, he beat the shit out of me regularly and knocked me out completely a few times. That's why I had a male relative help me leave because he'd hit a woman but wouldn't dare try it with a bloke. Classic woman beating scumbag

I had nobody to turn to and nowhere to go, and I was scared he’d take our son. I did eventually kick him out. I was right about him taking my son. 😢

My husband was controlling mentally and financially. It was a gradual process and it is only now, years after his death, that I realise just how bad he was. I am, after many years, a proper and complete person again. Looking back at it I am surprised that I did not realise what was happening.

Lots of reasons I guess.

• I told myself it wasn't really controlling behaviour and he would tell me I was mad/ wrong if I ever suggested otherwise.
• As above I downplayed a lot of his other behaviours even though deep down I think I knew it wasn't normal to be constantly scared around someone I thought I loved.
• I had nowhere else to go (tried to leave on one occasion but the landlady in the other rental wouldn't accept me as I was technically a student. (Even though I was doing a Masters and had guarantors). Had no family living within 150 miles and my job was in that city. Plus I did love living in that city. And when he found out I had tried to move out he was raging and I didn't fancy going through that again.
• Because he was very skilled at socially isolating me after I while he was all I knew, so he became my whole existence.

If I'm being very truthful the only reason I left is that by the end I was so low I was considering suicide and realised I'd come to a choice point. As much as I wish I'd left sooner I'm also very grateful that I eventually did.

So sorry. Mine was never physical so it was easier to tell myself it wasn't that bad.

😢

Yes, I feel the same. I think I told myself a very different story to make it seem OK.

Yes I recognise a lot of this too.

Because (like so many) he only started being controlling during my pregnancy. As it was a very difficult pregnancy (twins, one with growth issues, multiple instances of blessing) a lot of what I now realise was pure controlling seemed like him just trying to protect me. At the time I felt a bit smothered, but thought it was just care.

I realised it was control when our girls were 4 weeks old, but in that exact moment I had nowhere else easy to go, nor the strength to try and find somewhere.

We were over by the time the girls were 7 months. He made a move that was meant to be controlling (joined the military so he could move me away from everyone and have me very isolated), but actually gave me space to escape.

I still didn't realise just how controlling he was until afterwards. Little things hit later that were "shit that was control too" moments.

So sorry @Anonym00se

I completely get that. Weird as it sounds I preferred the physical to the mental because once he'd punched me or whatever it was at least over, until the next time anyway. Whereas with the mental it could go on for so long that you feel like you must be going crazy. It's so hard to explain if you haven't experienced it. Glad you escaped too

I had horrible insecurities from my childhood and felt like i couldn't go back to an abusive family, even though he was my abuser too. I was scared of him. I was scared of where I would be if I wasn't with him. I thought he'd try to take my children even though he was the abusive one with a long criminal record, he made me feel crazy and said a crazy person wouldn't be allowed to keep the children.
He used every controlling tactic he could muster including his own health which left me scared of where he'd be if I left him. But I couldn't see it all, not at first anyway, I just didn't really know what proper love should look like.

I think a lot of men are so manipulative, they portray their controlling behaviour as care for you, looking after you and loving you so much that they're scared to lose you. It's really very insidious and makes you feel that you're the bad one for questioning his motives!

The women I did my Freedom Programme with said the same thing. The emotional abuse is constant. The thing is you don't really realise how bad it is until you are out and look back. You don't realise you're getting sucked in and then you get told you're wrong/being dramatic/nagging etc etc and believe it. It's always your fault and never them - except it is them.

I stayed for my children. I didn't want them to come from a broken home. But as I lost weight I gained some confidence about myself and realised that I would be happier, and my children would be happier 'coming from a broken home'. That was over 6 years ago and I've not looked back. Like others, I didn't realise how controlling he was until I got out. He still controls me now by using my children as a weapon (see the post called 'my ex husbands demands' that I posted recently).

Snap

Because I deeply loved his, typical abusive relationship I was love bomber, swept off my feet and then little by little he stripped me down, it ended in him becoming so incredibly jealous that one night he said I looked at some man when we were out and he tried to kill me. Literally.

So that was the final straw, what followed was him attempting his life x 6 (he knew when I would get the call I would drop everything) that stopped working, so then he started threatening my life, police stepped in to protect me, then he threatened revenge porn, then reported me to social services, the harrassment was intense. He then threatened my children's lives and I thought no more.

He spent 6 months in prison and is now out but with a lot of protection around me.

I always knew leaving would be hard, but I never knew how hard.

*him

The abusive relationship is like a Venus fly trap, I never ever thought I'd be the victim of domestic violence but they entrap you, strip you of every bit of self assurance, make you think your mad.