Why did you stay in your controlling relationship?

[OrangePippa]

For those who stayed too long in abusive/controlling relationships, why did you stay? I did leave in the end, but stayed much too long - for me I think it was because I didn't see it as control, I saw it as a manifestation of his insecurity/anxiety, so I felt I couldn't leave as that would be abandoning him when he was down. I still sort of feel this, even though I can see in retrospect that it was controlling behaviour.

This little 20 min ted talk explains it far more articulately than I could

It was shown on the numerous course I was put on by the domestic violence team

This.

Because as is always the way, it was a very gradual process. He subtly but systemically isolated me from my family, ridiculed any friends I had. Always minimised his behaviour or made it sound like he was joking and it was me being too sensitive. Would gaslight the shit out of me so I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Had 3 three children with him; the third surprise pregnancy, told me if I terminated he’d leave me with 2 young children. Thwarted any attempts I made to find a job so essentially trapped financially. But would swerve between controlling and nice (“we don’t need anyone else”). Became sexually coercive, told me it was his entitlement. So confused and gaslit was I, I recorded conversations which ultimately proved crucial in gaining a (rare) conviction of CCB.

SAHM who wanted to retrain but whilst his career was going up he wouldn’t permit the same for me.
I usually say it was quite gradual but in retrospect, it got controlling fairly early on.
Still feel like I have to walk on eggshells since divorcing years ago - a divorce I initiated but he didn’t allow me to divorce him, he had to divorce me. Until I left the house, I was scared and pretty much said anything submissively to keep the peace because of the children.

Powerful posts.

That Ted Talk is really good too.

I had to run away to another country - where I had friends.

I'm sure I would be dead if I hadn't done that.

I tried but he would say he would kill himself; eventually I no longer cared. I did leave, he tried to do this again, I saved him and left.

My mother killed herself, so he knew it would keep me in line.

I never spoke to him ever again alone after that. Vile man. The divorce was awful

I'm so so sorry. Did you get your child back at all? X

I was manipulated into believing I was in the wrong, I’d lose my child, I’d never meet anyone as good as him, it was all my fault.
Ive now been out almost two years and it’s tough being a single parent and holding that anger towards the abuser but im in a much much better position mentally, physically, emotionally than I was or ever would have been had I stayed.

I didn't realise I was being controlled until my GP told me. I knew I was in an unhappy relationship but I felt that it was at least 50% my fault, if not more. I was scared about the financial side of things. Nearly 2 years post separation, my financial future looks bleak.

I didn't realise. I sort of knew things weren't right but he had MH issues so I couldn't/didn't see what else was going on. When he had an affair it knocked me for six but in hindsight it was the best thing he ever did for me because then we divorced. Looking back there were all of the red flags but I just didn't see it.

I had nowhere to go. I had a lot of pets and wouldn't have been able to take them with me. When I did eventually tell him I wanted out he threatened to release them all if I left the house.

Sadly I share a lot of the reasons others give.

I had no money.
I feared his reaction & the consequences.
I considered myself too old to start again.
I didn't want to have failed at marriage (as silly as it sounds).
I considered a lot of his behaviour mental health related, & as such, felt it was my duty to help, especially as he put up with my physical disabilities.

A big one was he was my carer, I faced either a nursing home on mid 30s or limited social care for the rest of my life. This terrified me.

Sorry I’m new here and I’m late to this thread so hope someone is still here to see my comment. I’ve been with my partner 15 years we have 2 children. We’ve been through a lot! Anyway I am unsure what to call this as anytime I wish to go out without him I’m “ugly, a slag, fat etc” I get told he won’t have our children I best find someone to look after them, I get told if we have plans in the future to cancel them, that he will come and embarrass me and bring me home infront of my friends (which he has done before!) I have missed out on so many occasions and I’m at the end of my tether with it all. Do I stay?! Do I go?! When we are good it’s great when he’s getting his own way. My children are both teenagers now and they hear this from him it’s breaking my heart I feel so stuck in a rut and it’s not fair on them. Please no negativity as I’m finding this hard to even post.

I thought he was just overprotective and I was poor at communicating. We worked together and if i wanted to do anything by myself he would insist we had important deadlines and I was leaving him to do everything. By the time I realised it was bullshit he had given up on the gaslighting and just moved on to physical threats. To be honest he was FABULOUS at the gaslighting. Looking back I think he deserved some kind of medal for how inventive his gaslighting tactics were.

1. I thought he might kill us all
2. Money

I stayed over 30 years and brought two children up who have suffered as a result. Sometimes I still think he might do something, even though we are both in our 60s now, and of course I have no money and am struggling to find somewhere permanent to live. I have told some people about 1. and they still think I should have made more effort and stayed ... because 2 - how can I complain that things are difficult when I chose this new life.