To not have my child in nursery.

[Cheesetoastiees]

I’ll start this by saying I have nothing against children going to nursery at any age. I genuinely think everyone does their best by their child and what works for them.

My DS 18 months was meant to go to nursery however because of job changes/financial circumstances he’s still at home with me and I’m enjoying the extra time together. However I have had loads of comments that because he rarely plays with other children (and isn’t interested other than watching or copying when he does) that he’s behind socially and with his words.

I don’t think he is, he has various words and can saying things like bye bye daddy and lets go, waves at people and likes to talk nonsense at anyone who will listen to him. He seems to be hitting his milestones and is mostly very happy. We go to classes and soft play a few times a week but mostly he’s at home with me and we do painting and things.

I make sure we go out every day and go to the park, shops sometimes the zoo or museum's. I arrange some play days every few weeks with cousins and friends and he sees his grandparents once a week.

However all these comments from various family members have got me worried that he is missing out from not seeing other toddlers loads. His speech is pretty much nonsense but he does have a good amount of words and is beginning to put some together. Family members are saying he’ll be behind socially when he does go to nursery, he’s missing out and he’ll struggle and his speech is very behind.

He is going to go to playgroup two mornings a week when he turns two but at the moment I was just enjoying being together however family have got me really worried that he’s missing out or somehow being disadvantaged. I couldn’t afford nursery anyway just now, having more time together has been the one lovely thing in an otherwise challenging time.

Just ignore them and continue to do what's best for the two of you. Everyone has an opinion, but opinions are not fact. And don't feel you have to justify yourself and your decisions.

What you’re doing sounds perfect! Behind socially?! Loads of bullocks. He’ll spend 14 years at school, make the most of time with him now.

DD went to preschool at a private nursery a couple of mornings a week from 3.5 having never been in childcare before and being one when covid hit, she sailed in and enjoyed it and also enjoyed being at home the rest of the time. She started school a year later and loved it.

I think you rightly point out affordability is a factor!

I will be honest and say while it sounds lovely all the children I know who started at three struggled and while parallel play is a thing at this age I do think 18 months to two isn’t a bad age to start nursery if you can afford it.

I also don’t think it’s great for children to spend a lot of time at home but you don’t seem to do that. I’d probably try to get a few sessions in when he’s 2.

It certainly doesn’t sound like your baby is behind their peers so I wouldn’t worry!

My son attended a private nursery from the age of 2.5 and we did see the benefit in him going at this stage but can’t say that he would be behind his peers had he not! I would say that it may be beneficial in the long run for him to go to a pre school setting before starting school just to prepare him but it sounds like he has such an enriched childhood I wouldn’t let yourself get bogged down by unwanted comments xx

Keep doing whatever works for you OP, it sounds lovely. My 3.5 year old has never been to nursery and I’m on my second mat leave now, it’s great having this time with her before she starts school.

it's... not good for children to spend a lot of time at home?

We're talking about an 18 month old here? Home is their safe and happy place, and can be full of quite enough adventures and learning opportunities given a decent enough parent (yes, obviously different for a dysfunctional household but that's a whole other subject.)

I worked for 6 years in a preschool setting and honestly I didn't see much advantage to the children until they got to about the age of 3, when they become able to form friendships and play together and look forward to coming to nursery. Before 3, you can always do better for your child at home and out and about, but obviously society nowadays means that many parents do have to put their children in child care from a young age due to needing two wages to survive, and if they do, kids usually turn out fine.; but we've been sold a bit of a nonsense that very young children will actually do better in nurseries.

You are doing lots of things with him and it's one on one with you. He sounds like he is doing great. 3 is the normal age for nursery where I am. We went to baby groups, parks, beach, shops, animal farms and had lots of fun. It's different if you have no choice but neither is wrong.

At his age, the only reason to send would be necessity. You don't need to.

It is all dependent isn’t it @ApplesinmyPocket ?

Children living in poverty, with limited access to books and toys and social settings do better in good nurseries.

Your incredulous ‘it’s not good for children to spend too much time at home’ is true. If they spend every day in the same limited setting (which doesn’t appear to apply here) then it limits just about every area of development you can think of - social and communicative skills and even visual, motor (fine and gross.) So ‘‘tis true. A range of activities and settings, whatever route you choose.

I think you mean "kicking the illnesses can down the road..." 😆 Whenever they start there'll be illness.

OP, what you're doing sounds fine. As long as it is working for you and your family, then carry on. Keep going to playgroups, for your own sanity as well (as there'll be other parents to chat to in reassuringly similar boats)!

Crack on.

Mine both started pre-school when they turned 3 (3 mornings a week), and loved it, and still love school now. I definitely wasn't forking out money to send them before that, especially since I was at home anyway.

However, I have a friend who didn't send any of hers to any childcare setting before starting school, and they all struggled a lot (with the 'routine' of the school day, struggling to socialise, speech delays).

Not at 18 months

My ds was born during covid. The country we lived in was strict so he didn’t have contact with anyone at all except myself and dh until 1.
Between 1-2 all playgroups/ other places with children basically remained closed. We didn’t know anyone else with children as new to area, so he only saw other children occasionally at the playground. So all his ‘life’ was with just dh and I. We obviously went outside and visited places a lot from 1, but not with children.

He started nursery every morning at 2.5 years having never really played with another child, and was super confident. Settled in straight away and always loved it there.

I don’t think child ‘need’ nursery before 2.5-3 years. Before it’s just for parents

How are you balancing work and him being around?

There will be loads of 18 month olds not in nursery… the ‘spectrum’ of ‘normal development’ is vast.

My 3 have varied to quite a degree and never any concerns. My 3rd and the one who technically got less of my time, (only took him baby group once).

I don't think children that young need nursery.
My child started showing signs of needing friends around 2.5 but we didn't send them until 3/due to the free hours.
They're fine.

I only saw benefits from about 2.5 (DS started part time at 2). I'd only say it's something worth considering from 3 unless you need it.

That's nonsense. Lots of kids go to nursery only at 3. If you take him out to playground and playgroups from time to time, play him nursery rhymes and sing with him, he will be fine. BTW, I've never gone to the nursery. I was almost 6 when I went to Reception. Brought up completely by many family members (aunties, grandma, etc.).

My 2 and a half year old has been in nursery since she was 10 months old. I know much younger children, who started nursery a lot later, with a bigger vocabulary than my little one.
I'd say they probably benefitted from more one on one time.
I really wouldn't worry, just enjoy the time you have. From a very jealous toddler mum!

If you can’t afford it, I really wouldn’t worry about it, it’s not worth stretching yourself. It’s important to make things for the family you have. Our nursery is amazing and we are so pleased we sent ours there, but we were fortunate we could afford to and I know it’s not the same for everyone.

It’s normal for him not to be playing with other kids yet. If he’s doing onlooker play (watching other kids) that’s actually pretty advanced for 18 months as most kids don’t do it until age 2. Associative play which is interacting with others during play typically starts at age 3-4. Cooperative play, so properly playing together, just isn’t done by under 4s. I’d really recommend looking up the 6 Stages of Play. Not only is it super interesting but I think it would really reassure you that the comments you’re getting from friends/family are just utter nonsense.

If you have concerns about his language development then discuss that with the health visitor and maybe consider speech therapy. However, nursery isn’t going to help unless you’re talking an additional language at home or barely interacting with him, and it doesn’t sound like that’s the case at all!

I think people can be weirdly defensive sometimes about nursery, but studies have shown that there’s only proven benefits for over 3s. Younger than that it’s childcare, which is totally neutral, a good nursery does absolutely no harm whatsoever but nor is it beneficial. It’s just what you need to be able to go to work! Or have a break! No one should have any guilt about either, both my babies went to nursery and no guilt here, but you’re totally kidding yourself if you think it’s in any way superior to being home with a loving parent.

Don’t skip the preschool year though. That is important because by age 3-4 they’re developmentally ready to start playing with peers and gain some independence, plus it’s great prep for school. And you’ll get your universal term time 15 hours so go for a school nursery 5 mornings and it’ll cost you next to nothing, probably just a small amount to cover incidentals like wipes and art supplies. But that’s a long way off if DC is currently 18 months!

My almost 3 year old isn't in nursery, he went 2 days from 1-2 then I stood working so free hours stopped.
He got on well at nursery as he's generally easy but I've loved our time together and when he turns 3 he will go to nursery at his sisters school.
We do toddler singing classes, gymnastics, library, soft play, park, swim, see friends and too many cafes!
If you don't need nursery for childcare I wouldn't send them just to socialise. We've had a lot less illnesses since both kids have stopped nursery, even with my eldest at school!

Agree and the research backs you up.

It's well-established that children play in parallel at 18 months so the social benefits are limited at that age. As a pp says, research shows that it's most beneficial from age 3, although I sent my dcs p/t from age 2.5 (not for childcare but for social interaction) and both of them seemed to gain a lot from it from that age. We had to pay but certain families are entitled to free hours at age 2, because there is evidence that chidren benefit from nursery at that age.

Personally I was happiest having my dcs start nursery once they were speaking in sentences and fully toilet-trained. Younger babies and toddlers are very vulnerable and have no way to communicate if something is wrong.

I feel like I have a lot of knowledge in this area having had two children start at the age of three and two starting at the age of 2 plus now being a preschool teacher myself.

There is absolutely no advantage to starting before 2 years old. My own children who started at 2 and 3 were at the same point when they started school so that extra year didn't make a difference. Obviously a lot of people now work so do not have a choice.

What does make a difference ..

If the child is from a dysfunctional family or English is a second language (where English is rarely spoken at home) - I would say it's more beneficial to start preschool earlier.

The amount of input from parents - are you reading, singing songs, getting out the house to playgroups and meeting other children? Talking to your child, exploring nature etc - these are all things that help children learn and grow. We have a lot more 2 year olds now that aren't speaking - I would say when I first started 8 years ago most 2 year olds would speak in 4/5 word sentences. Now I would say just under half the children we have, have none or limited speech. I think a lot of this is to do with parental input, more time on devices from both sides, not socialising as much, parents working from home etc.

When starting preschool IMO doing 3-5 days is essential (helps to build solid friendships within the setting) those that do one or two days unless very outgoing struggle to keep up.