Unreasonable to walk away from depressed friend

[LittleMissLateForWorkAgain]

I have a close friend of nearly 20 years who has always been a bit up and down. We work in the same place for context.

Lately I am coming home drained and unhappy after work due to her behaviour.

She says (when she is talking to me) she has depression and mental health issues from childhood trauma but won't get help, won't see a GP, won't take anti depressants, won't get therapy. I am tired, just so bloody tired.

Every Saturday lately I m struck with a full on migraine including sickness and need a day in bed. I can feel the stress building up through the week.

I know I sound like an awful person but aibu to just distance myself until she does get help? She's snappy and unprofessional at work now and goes days without talking to people. Our line manager is noticing now.

On the other hand she can be lovely, generous and I have had so many laughing till you can't breathe moments with her.

I am 57 with adult dc and thought I d be living a peaceful life now but I feel like I m stuck and 14 in year 9 not knowing how someone will be at school that day.

She s in her 40s and also cares for her disabled mum so I get it's hard but I don't think I can help anymore.

Every morning before work I wonder what I ll be dealing with and it's not even as if it's my job (which I love)

Help!

"Sorry Jane I've got a lot on At the moment, I'm just going to power through work today" then ignore her.

As someone who's own mental health can be up & down, yanbu.
Put your own o2 mask on first...

Either you're not actually helping at all any way, in which case it's just an healthy pattern between you, or she has enough of a crutch in you that she doesn't feel the need to reach out for proper help.

I don't think anyone should be pushed into therapy re past traumas because addressing them can be very destabilising and people need to be in a place where they can manage that, but it sounds as if she doesn't even acknowledge that she needs basic support.

You're not a bad friend for stepping back op

Thank you both. In better moments she acknowledges she needs help, she says she doesn't "feel right".

Ironically I work in a pastoral care role and have a counselling qualification but I feel it's just another thing on my shoulders.

Also in training they told us we are not allowed to officially counsel friends or family but I think she expects me to have a magic solution.

Oh dear. Its quite a pickle when you have to work with someone you'd like to distance from.

Honestly, when she goes on about how depressed she is, I'd use that as an opportunity to point out that if she's not getting help, nothing is going to get better for her. Complaining isn't going to make it disappear.

Sometimes you have to be blunt with people. She's making you ill. Friends shouldn't be doing that.

I'd distance myself from her. No lunches together etc.

I hope you don't work next to, or too closely with her!

@MrsJHernandez we work in a secondary school so the staff room is open to everyone from cleaners to head teacher.

Also we live near each other and she doesn't drive so I have been giving her a lift to work and back for ages (she does contribute petrol money).

Last night she ignored me and walked the 5 miles home.

@LittleMissLateForWorkAgain

Why was she ignoring you?

Tbh, she doesn't sound like a very good friend when you've tried to be one to her.

Sometimes you just have to be blunt.
'Friend, I love you and I really value our friendship but I am finding it a little draining at the moment with the constant doom cloud energy. If you can't or won't accept my advice or seek help from a professional, nothing I say or do is going to help, so I would appreciate it if we could stop discussing this for both of our benefits'.

@MrsJHernandez she ignored me and everyone else all day. She says it's when "the darkness " comes over her and she just wants to be alone.

She seems to hate everyone and herself when she's like this but then snaps out of it and is "normal " again....till the next time.

Also our work has an employee assistance programme where you can access counselling which she is aware of but won't go to.

People with depression can also be dicks, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Honestly, I’d tell her, the next time she starts moaning, that you’ve heard it before and she should seek professional help elsewhere. You are not her unpaid counsellor.

Yes, I have suffered from depression, I will remain medicated for depression for life but it doesn’t give people a license to behave badly.

@LoveSandbanks ironically I have suffered from severe depression in the past especially after losing my father but I don't think I was an angry dick to anyone. I didn't have the energy for that.

5 % believe I m being unreasonable. Could anyone say why they think so?

I think you need to have a snap moment with her and tell her you are no longer interested if she won't get help. You are not her mental punch bag and can't keep dancing to her tune when her moods take her to different places. And if she ignores you and stops speaking is it really such a loss? You'll travel to and from work more chilled out for a start.

Walk away. Your friend won't do anything to help herself and relies on you. Which is massively affecting your own health. You need to say sorry but I can no longer support you. It's making me ill.

I’d pull away OP, your health has to come first so you can live your own life and get your own work done.

To be honest I think the school/her manager need to be speaking to her re. getting help. Telling colleagues that ‘the darkness’ comes over her and that she has childhood trauma is not fair on everyone else, and makes for an awkward work environment. It’s also a textbook cry for help really. I wouldn’t get overly involved but can her manager not insist on a few counselling sessions through EAP?

I’d raise it with a line manager. Not as a complaint but a genuine welfare concern, for both you and her.

@LittleMissLateForWorkAgain

I understand the need to be alone (I too suffer from depression) but as other PP have pointed out, that doesn't mean she gets to be a dick!

Your employer should absolutely do something about this. She can't just ignore her colleagues in a mood for days on end. Have you spoken to an appropriate person at the school about her?

I agree with what @LoveSandbanks suggests to say to her.

Distancing yourself and others doing the same to her are just the consequences of her own (in)actions.

You are not a crutch. I would be blunt and end this friendship. She will feel like a victim of this and say she can't help it, but she can and she hasn't and therefore you aren't unreasonable at all.

"You need to see your GP urgently' on repeat to everything she says. And sometimes just don't reply. She sounds like a drama llama. Can't bear people who have options available to help them but choose not to.

I m really stupid because I have wanted to speak to someone at school so many times but felt dishonourable for doing so. Almost as if I m "telling on her" I don't know why.

Luckily she's in a role which is not to do with students or I would have had to say something.

It's only me she talks about "the darkness " to.

I would 100% speak to a supervisor at this stage and explain what's happening with her, how she is failing to address it, it's getting worse and it is now hugely impacting you. This needs sorting
.

I have a friend who's been leaning on me emotionally (very heavily) for about 25 years. I think I've just about reached my limit! My friend actually does seek help (although she's violently opposed to antidepressants) but she is incredibly mentally unstable. I now believe she has BPD. I feel utterly drained every time I see her. I'm starting to feel she uses me as free therapy, and I've had enough. I think there's something about turning 50 (as I just have) that means you become a bit more ruthless in terms of the time and emotional energy you can give to others. Quite frankly I have enough to worry about and pressures of my own, without being burdened by hers.
Look after yourself OP. You only have so much to give.

@SallyWD Yes the more I get into my 50s the more I want time to be just me. My dc are in their 30s now and independent so theoretically I am only responsible for myself and my 2 cats.

She has just messaged me apologising again. I m going to really talk to her when she's next in work and make it clear it can't go on.

Stop getting drawn in, please speak to a supervisor and pull back from her. Ignore the message.

Her ignoring colleagues need to be flagged to management and addressed. It'll create a toxic work environment for others. It could be that her caring responsibility is becoming too much and she needs extra support which a manager could help signpost her to via EAP or the like. She won't get that if everyone tolerates her current behaviours.