Unreasonable to walk away from depressed friend

[LittleMissLateForWorkAgain]

I have a close friend of nearly 20 years who has always been a bit up and down. We work in the same place for context.

Lately I am coming home drained and unhappy after work due to her behaviour.

She says (when she is talking to me) she has depression and mental health issues from childhood trauma but won't get help, won't see a GP, won't take anti depressants, won't get therapy. I am tired, just so bloody tired.

Every Saturday lately I m struck with a full on migraine including sickness and need a day in bed. I can feel the stress building up through the week.

I know I sound like an awful person but aibu to just distance myself until she does get help? She's snappy and unprofessional at work now and goes days without talking to people. Our line manager is noticing now.

On the other hand she can be lovely, generous and I have had so many laughing till you can't breathe moments with her.

I am 57 with adult dc and thought I d be living a peaceful life now but I feel like I m stuck and 14 in year 9 not knowing how someone will be at school that day.

She s in her 40s and also cares for her disabled mum so I get it's hard but I don't think I can help anymore.

Every morning before work I wonder what I ll be dealing with and it's not even as if it's my job (which I love)

Help!

I agree with this. Apologising is part of the cycle to keep you involved in her drama. Please speak to someone about how this is affecting your work and ignore her messages.

Meant to add, I am everlastingly grateful to the person who advised my close friend to maintain boundaries around me when I was severely depressed. She is still a very close friend because she had support and wasn't consumed by my mental illness.

You can't fix other people.

You are not responsible for her actions or lack or actions or emotional immaturity.

Just let her get on with her tantrum. Be a pleasant person to the level you wish to give, but no more.

If she genuinely has untreated depression and MH issues, it's unlikely she'd be at work as she'd be on long term sick! You're going to have to grasp the nettle on this one before she effects your MH. You need to tell her you're feeling a bit under the weather yourself; and that you're not qualified to give her the help she needs and the best thing she could do is to talk to her GP. If she refuses, I'd just change the subject whenever she starts moaning. If she's not prepared to help herself she can hardly expect sympathy from other people.

If she genuinely has untreated depression and MH issues, it's unlikely she'd be at work as she'd be on long term sick

Well that's b*llocks for a start

As an ex Samaritan let me tell you there are plenty of people out there holding down jobs (sometimes extremely high powered jobs) that are suffering hugely with their mental health and are actively feeling suicidal. Of course she could be at work with mental health issues and depression.

I stand corrected.

I have bad issues with me tal health and the last few weeks especially have been awful. However, you have to try and help yourself, try the medication etc. I have a friend like yours but live quite far away now so don't talk on a daily basis. They really frustrate me with the constant complaining about their MH but won't do anything to help themselves. They will try meds but stop taking them and claim they don't work when they realistically need to go up a dose from the starter dose, or will say they couldn't get time off work to go to a doctors appointment to get them put on repeat.. it's been going on the 12 years I've known them and drives me crazy. So no basically, you need to put yourself first, there's only so much you can help someone that won't try to improve their situation

I've done this and honestly feel much better. You need to prioritise your own MH. It can be exhausting

It can be draining. I have a friend (ex colleague) who wants to phone me every weekend and talk her problems non stop. Often she doesn’t even ask how I am. Right now a close friend is dying, and it’s very hard, and she still wants to ring every weekend and talk about her problems. I feel for her, as she does have it tough, but it’s completely draining at times. She doesn’t ever text and say how are you doing, like other friends are right now. Its always just her, her, her. I’m too nice though to just drop her, but have skipped a fair few weekends lately with everything i’ve got on.

so my advice is to step away, until she gets some help.

As someone who was in a relationship with someone who had , undisclosed to me, depression, I hear you. It is not onli them who is ill, but u feel the affects too. Prioritise yourself. I didn't and nearli went under myself.

You're not a bad person in the slightest.
Don't let her problems become your problems.You don't exist to be her sounding board and it's now impacting on your life it's time to step right back and if necessary curtail the friendship for good.
I've experienced what you're going through from a former colleague and it sucks the life out of you.
Time to put yourself first.

Her behaviour is toxic and she can't use depression as an excuse for that, especially if she's unwilling to do anything about it.

I'd tell her that you need some space as her behaviour is having a negative impact on you. Wish her the best and say you'll contact her when you're ready.