I think I hate DH

[BigYellow349]

Had a baby 5 months ago. I can't remember the last time I slept more than 90 minutes in one go. My body is ruined from pregnancy and birth, I am in constant pain. I'm breastfeeding so doing every single night wake up.

He was very good with the baby when he was a newborn but the shine has come off. So I just do everything.

He cooks few times a week. He does do some things around the house but not enough.

He makes shit money in an easy job so I have to go back to work at 6 months as I'm the higher earner.

I don't even know what I want. Sometimes I wish he was a high earner so at least I didn't carry the financial pressure. But if he just did the laundry, I think I'd be happy.

He basically gets to have a gorgeous son without doing any of the work. And I hate him for it. I can't stand the sight of him.

I don't know if this gets better? Or will I just end up divorcing him in a few years anyway.

It gets better if you make sure it gets better.

Don’t do everything. Don’t allow him to coast.

You either make sure he steps up or you leave him - that’s how it gets better. Otherwise you’ll spend your entire life bitter and resentful, and that isn’t a healthy environment for your child.

Unfortunately some men need (or pretend to need) explicit instructions so rather than ‘can you help with tidying up?’ you have to give them a job. You could try listing 2 jobs at once and let him choose- letting him know these 2 things need doing now and you’re not doing both of them eg. ‘The baby needs bathing and getting settled for bed and the kitchen needs resetting after tea. Do you want to sort the baby while I sort the kitchen or vice versa?’ You’ll still have the mental load of working out what needs doing but after a while it should become routine and he shouldn’t need reminding.

. Fuck that. Spoon feed him until he finally works out how to adult? Terrible advice.

OP, it's unlikely to get any better. You'll just get more worn down and too tired to do anything about it eventually. I'd ditch him now. What does he add to your life? Doesn't sound like much

Yeah this.

My baby is 9 months old now and has never been a good sleeper so I totally relate to the tiredness, it makes everything feel 100x worse.

If you want to stay together then I agree with this poster that you need to set the expectations now- your current set up isn’t working and resentment is growing.

Figure out what would work better and lay that on the table.

So in our house I do the nights, if she wakes up after 5am then he does the early morning with her so I can get some uninterrupted sleep and get ready for the day. He does the dishes & the sterilising of baby bits and puts a load of washing on then pops it into the dryer before he leaves for work so that all I have to do is take it out. We do a proper deep clean on a weekend so we can both do it. I cook purely because I enjoy it, he then does all the cleaning up. He takes over baby on an evening if he’s not working late so I can go have a bath in peace, we do her bath & bedtime together and then he has his chill time once she’s asleep or we’ll have some time together then.

Weekends/evenings we take turns, we both like to go to the gym, I like running, he likes his football, we like going out for food/coffee etc both together and separately with friends, we’re both parents, we alternate so that we’re both able to keep up those parts of our lives. We’re a team and although we’re not perfect I would say we do work really well together and there’s no resentment there because we’re both giving as much as we can.

If you want to make it work then a clear and honest conversation is needed.

Personally I wouldn't do this. It puts you in the position of manager and he just responds to requests. I think it would piss me off more. Ultimately he's not a moron he knows what needs doing he just thinks you should do it. Mat leave is a tricky time. Often women end up doing everything, go back to work and stay doing everything because you 'didn't tell him the bins needed taking out'. I would divide chores so for example cooking or laundry. The person in charge of cooking does everything related to that task, shopping, meal prep. There's advice on Fair Play about ideas of how to make it work. I would also plan a regular break at the weekend where he has sole charge of the baby and you get a break.

Agree with @Mrsttcno1 You have to lay it out calmly and explicitly that he's not pulling his weight. I mean, you shouldn't HAVE to, but sadly you do.

But then I also agree @MinnieBalloon that you have to make him step up now, or the bitterness will get worse and yes, eventually you'll leave or be miserable. Or both.

For what it's worth, I was also the high earner. But DH totally stepped up a lot. He did any feeds pre mid night (I'd try to get to bed early) and he did anything after 5 am - sometimes him and DS would just be up, sometimes he'd manage to have a nap on the couch while DS slept in his moses or in the flat pram next to him. He kept DS with him while showering/eating breakfast/ putting on a load of washing and brought him to me, with a cup of tea, just before he left for work.

He also made a point of getting home asap so I could either have some downtime or get on with cooking/other chores while he had DS. that helped my mental health a LOT. Sometimes he'd send me out to the big 24 hour sainsburys just so I couldn't hear DS and could actually switch my brain off!

We agreed at some point that DH had to take charge of laundry - I still do some but he's overall in charge. That helps a lot to remove a lot of my resentment.

I feel for you. I was/am in the same situation (with some differences), and I hate to tell you I never managed to turn things around. 5 years on and I'm exhausted.... so no advice that works from me, but hopefully you manage to get your routine changed. X

Breastfeeding has a lot to do with it as it means I just can't do anything without the baby or go anywhere. All the suggestions of him taking charge of evenings or mornings don't work, baby eats lots in the evening and also wants a big feed around 5am. Yeah, I could go to the gym between feeds on a weekend. That's 1.5 hours of getting dressed, get in the car, exercise, get back in the car, to come feed again. Pain in the arse. Would be possible if the house wasn't a shit tip, if the laundry was done so I could have clean clothes or if DH didn't say "just give me 5 minutes to do [bullshit excuse]" before taking the baby.

I don't want to stop breastfeeding, it's the best thing for my baby and it's going really well. I might have to just so it forces DH to at least give some bottles. But I think I'll hate him even more for forcing me to stop breastfeeding.

Lots of good suggestions here though, thank you. I need to find the energy to think a bit and not explode at him.

FIL has been staying with us the last 2 weeks which hasn't helped as he's a useless piece of shit who won't even take his plate to the kitchen, let alone wash it. And somehow it has made DH "regress" and do even less than usual. He leaves tomorrow thank god.

If you're breastfeeding then you really do need to lay down the law - " you have to take charge of laundry, cooking and cleaningm" or whatever it is.

But it's bloody hard and theu're always so hard done by "I was just going to do that" or "I just need five minutes".

It will get a bit better once you start weaning in a month or so as you can tell your DH to take the baby out for a few hours and let you sleep.

Baby rice/baby porridge in the evening will help him sleep longer. Baby should be ready for small amounts of food around 6 months.

Re your DH, you need to have a full and frank discussion. "DH, I don't know how I can cope when I go back to work. These are all the things that need doing - let's go through everything so we each have an idea of what needs doing and who will be doing it. "

Don't underestimate the tiredness it causes all sorts of mental health issues and hatred. You just need to sleep.
Do you really have to to back at 6 months? That sounds really hard. Can you muddle through financially and wait longer? I think it's normal to literally despise your husband when you've a small baby, sometimes for absolutely no reason because they're great. But having to go back early you might genuinely resent him for that

I'm also having to go back to work in a month and I'm dreading it. I see all these women having a nice mat leave and here i am an absolute mess, with a shit DH, shit body, no sleep, not enjoying any of it or having any time to recover.

@NattyBeaker I could string it out but it would have other consequences. Again, I'm the one having to figure it all out which is what I resent in the first place!

Don't believe what you see, it's so tough and it's ok not to love it! It was the hardest year of my life and I love my little one more than life but totally lost myself, was awful at keeping a home together whilst looking after a baby, honestly I think it all comes down to sleep. If your baby sleeps well it's great, if not it's BRUTAL. Hang in there, try and delay work

You know, I used to be a really nice person. I was fun, and interesting, and didn't care about laundry. Now I'm a mean tired nag.

Other women seem to be very happy doing it all and I'm just not that good at it.

You're all being lovely and I don't deserve it. I'm going to try to think a bit. I really really appreciate all the input, something needs to change.

I needed to write this down and not explode at DH today which would not achieve anything. A calm firm plan is needed.

Don't underestimate how hard it'll be leaving them when you're not ready to. Some people can do it but I just couldn't. I missed her so much. I knew once I was ready and was happy for her to be out having fun with others at that point (harder to entertain at home!)

I feel the same OP. I suck at it. I flap, get stressed, I just want someone to come and clean my house and someone to walk my dog some days to make my life easier. I feel like I'm constantly failing at the wife thing. I have a tough job and doing it all is so so hard. Then there's the emotion of leaving them and the guilt. It's all so hard and I agree others just seem to get on with it. But I just think people don't talk about it. We live in a man's world

I'm sure you're still a fun and interesting person! You're just preoccupied with something that takes all your energy every minute of the day. It'll get easier for sure but you need to speak to your man and tell him you need more support. Have you made some mum friends? They were my saviour. Even my older friends didn't get it. Everyone just forgets when they're out of it.

Rather than stopping breastfeeding, you could express some milk, that way you can go out for longer than a couple of hours and baby will be fine.

Yes it's shit having to leave lists/spoon feed as was said, however, if something really needs done, there isn't harm in leaving lists etc. Has he always been this way? Have things gotten worse since baby came along?

You still seem like a nice person to me and you absolutely do deserve kindness. You’re just a tired, stressed, fed up new mum with a useless partner. It’s him, not you.

Take some time to relax a bit, get your thoughts straight and try have a calm discussion with him about what he is going to start doing moving forwards to help you out.

Baby will get easier and if you can sort DP out, things will get better and you’ll get you back.

@BluntLemonDreamer He was great when DS was born! Did every night waking, brought him to me for a feed, did all the nappy changes in the night, cooked, just amazing. And after the first 6 weeks I think the shine started to wear off and it up slowly and I had a breakdown down around 12 weeks as he was doing nothing AND getting super fit as he was hitting the gym loads AND going out late once a week leaving me with a screaming colic baby! We've had a few blow ups, he's better for 4-5 days, and then he slowly does less and less again.

But every argument just makes me look like a horrible person and we're now in a weird dynamic where I'm crazy and unreasonable and should be grateful for him cooking dinner last Friday.

That’s terrible. Don’t stop breastfeeding your baby. Keep telling DH what he needs to do and pulling him up on excuses. Don’t let him slide back to his oen ways, and make it clear this can’t continue.
Take time without baby even if it’s to take a short walk and get a takeaway coffee.
Do you get a chance to go to baby groups and meet other moms or friends bringing your baby along? Time away from each other will also help mentally, even if it doesn’t fix the underlying problem.

Of course they work.

I EBFd both kids, the first breastfed until 3 and the second still going. Never felt like this.

Breastfeeding isn’t the problem here. Your husband is.

As you have spoken to him about his attitude and lack of care for you and your baby a number of times to no avail, what would you like to happen? Could you manage on your own without him? Would that be better than struggling on your own while he is there, not helping?

I'd bitterly resent having to return to work after 6 months, because of his inability to pull his weight financially due to staying in an easy job with shit pay. If he compensated for this by being really helpful with the baby, it wouldn't be as bad, but he doesn't.