I think I hate DH

[BigYellow349]

Had a baby 5 months ago. I can't remember the last time I slept more than 90 minutes in one go. My body is ruined from pregnancy and birth, I am in constant pain. I'm breastfeeding so doing every single night wake up.

He was very good with the baby when he was a newborn but the shine has come off. So I just do everything.

He cooks few times a week. He does do some things around the house but not enough.

He makes shit money in an easy job so I have to go back to work at 6 months as I'm the higher earner.

I don't even know what I want. Sometimes I wish he was a high earner so at least I didn't carry the financial pressure. But if he just did the laundry, I think I'd be happy.

He basically gets to have a gorgeous son without doing any of the work. And I hate him for it. I can't stand the sight of him.

I don't know if this gets better? Or will I just end up divorcing him in a few years anyway.

That's awful that you have a useless lump of a FIL in the house as well who is adding to the workload rather than sharing it.

Early weeks with breast feeding is hard, until it gets into a routine - as for your body being 'ruined' it will probably improve in time.

Hope you feel better soon.

Have you tried pumping OP so that he can do even one feed to give you a bit of time? I didn’t enjoy pumping but it did give me that bit of extra space to breathe

Make a list of everything non-baby/breastfeeding related you currently do, and give it to him. That's his list of tasks.

If he complains, point out you do all that currently AND look after the baby.

In six months he'll be well trained to take over everything as you go back to work, or you'll have broken up.

Ah well that’s where your DH is getting his example of fatherhood from then!

I agree with those who are saying you have to make it get better.

You either read him the riot act, and if he steps up and does his fair share OF HIS OWN VOLITION (not with you sooon feeding him tasks as others have suggested) then all well and good.

If he does not, or if you can’t be bothered to give him that chance, you just need to leave. No he doesn’t get to have a gorgeous son - who he lives with anyway - without doing any of the work.

Can the DH not just pick up some of the non feeding tasks instead?

Please be kind to yourself. you are a nice person, you are fun, you are interesting that has NOT changed. You have had a massive life change and it takes a lot of getting used to. There are no prizes for an immaculate home and get the idea out of your head that "other women" are X,Y & Z.
You are shattered and the most important thing is you are doing an amazing job of caring and breastfeeding your baby. Many ppl, including myself could not bf successfully.
Expressing sounds like a good idea. Also take you little one for a 30 min walk in your lovely new pram once a day. Stick the washer on before you go out.
Go to bed at 8pm make your partner do the next feed so at least you're getting a longer stretch asleep. It seriously does get easier. Make your partner divide the chores so he gets to choose which he does but make it clear they have a time scale. Keep the living room tidying sk you don't have to sit in a messy room and forget the rest. Also ask for help, I would happily clean my kids houses when I visited. No judgement. Good luck.

Sounds exhausting. If you are having to go back to work anyway you might be better off splitting up and getting maintenance payments from him.

It might be worth telling him "I am so tired having to all this with baby, most of these things around the house on top of financially supporting us. I can't keep doing it all, how are you going to help me more?" Put it back on him. If he says he's tired too, or he doesn't know or you need to tell him then I'd be considering giving him his marching orders.

I'd bitterly resent having to return to work after 6 months, because of his inability to pull his weight financially due to staying in an easy job with shit pay. If he compensated for this by being really helpful with the baby, it wouldn't be as bad, but he doesn't

This. Some men can only cope in easy relationships that make no demands on them. Sometimes women only realise they are with such men after they have children with them, and something more than just being easy, fun company is required of the man.

It seems you are with such a man.

I honestly don't think he will get much better. But try telling him clearly that he needs to step up ( and no, you shouldn't micro manage this - he is perfectly capable of working it out what he needs to do himself) or you'll leave him.

Being a mum is knackering. I am not ashamed to admit that for some of it, I was a wreck and tired beyond understanding. The first thing I would say is you need to rest and take some time off even if only for a few hours if baby is EBF, but do so over a few days to try and recover a little and focus on you. With DH, things do have to change and I thing you need to be really clear on the need for support. Do not take ownership of this sit down together and agree and write down what you are both going to do and when.

I think you’ll really struggle going back to work OP are you back FT? Is part time an option?

He needs a rocket put under his arse or your relationship is over.

I would just tell him this - if he's sitting down relaxing while there's stuff to be done in the house and you're busy with baby/chores, then there's a problem.

The rule from now on is that you sit down together. When everything is done. If you're not having down-time, he isn't either. If you're up during the night and he isn't, you get that time back the next day from him in some way (he does extra chores or takes the baby for more time).

sometimes we need to explode to get the message across. So let him see the reality of what his actions or non-actions are having on your health. Tell FIL to bog off if he is making your life harder. When you do go back to work, you will be your old self again, at least for a few hours.

You sound like a nice, reasonable person to me, but honestly you need way more support. He's letting you drown. There's a mindless cruelty to it - he's not thinking about you at all, he's letting you sink without a trace. Time will blur the memory of how it feels to be in this right now, but it won't erase it. You'll never forget.

You know, I used to be a really nice person. I was fun, and interesting, and didn't care about laundry.
This made me laugh out loud- I used to be this person too! Then two years ago I had a baby and now laundry is my never-ending obsession.

Other women seem to be very happy doing it all and I'm just not that good at it.
Any woman who is happy doing at all despite having an adult co-parenting is an absolute mug. You don't want to be like that.

You're all being lovely and I don't deserve it.
You absolutely do. I was at my most miserable 5 months in, and I had a lovely wife who was doing everything she possibly could to support me. I really feel for you.

Also, if he does no laundry, then he has no clean clothes. When you put a load on, ONLY do yours and the baby's. Absolutely none of his.

I had a breakdown down around 12 weeks as he was doing nothing AND getting super fit as he was hitting the gym loads AND going out late once a week leaving me with a screaming colic baby! We've had a few blow ups, he's better for 4-5 days, and then he slowly does less and less again.

Oh fuck this. You've given him chances. It's time to get rid of the fucker.

a bit of an overeaction this would be, no? Why not even TRY to remedy the situation?

The first 6-18 months can be really tough for a relationship depending on personal circumstances.
But it sounds like he's really not pulling his weight.
I breastfed & got a lot of the same 'don't breastfeed so he can help feed' - but it wasn't what we wanted, it wasn't what was best for me or the baby.
So we didn't do that, what I found was a big problem was that my husband felt that me sitting on the sofa watching tv was 'relaxing' so it didn't count as looking after the baby... so he didn't use that time to do chores or cook or help because he felt like he should be relaxing too. He only wanted to do anything to help if I was already doing something he considered 'work'.
So we had a conversation reframing that breastfeeding is work! I am feeding the baby, and in doing so taking away the extra effort of pumping or cleaning bottles which would have been extra jobs if I didn't breastfeed!
I basically expected him to do almost all nappy changes, cooking, bathing etc when he was home.
I did laundry because I like it and find it easy. We split cleaning, but it did slip massively.
We went out for lunch together and found talking was easier when we were outside on a walk or pushing a swing at the park. We still argued but it felt less overwhelming that being in the house doing it.
But I'd be fuming if my husband expected to go to the gym everyday and have nights out whilst I spent all my time at home with the baby. You don't get to live that life with a new born and you should be supporting each other not one of you getting on with your life while the other shoulders all the work of the baby.
I don't know how you're coming off badly in these arguments unless he's extremely persuasive somehow.
I think the resentment of having to go back to work and putting your baby in nursery earlier than you'd like is obviously making this all feel much more emotionally charged for you than it might otherwise.
It's so easy to make these decisions before the baby is here but he reality is different and difficult.
I actually found going back to work the hardest part of the whole first 18 months of having a kid because my baby did not wean well, did not take bottles so the transition was tough and you have so much less time between both of you to get on top of chores so it all felt so messy and stressful and tiring and I hated work. It got better but it took time and both of us putting in time and effort.
I think if you can't get your husband to start stepping up consistently (not just for short bursts) then the resentment will just build up until you really do stop feeling any love anymore.
Because even though it gets easier, each stage also has its own challenges and you need to be a team and on the same page to navigate it all.

!!!

You can't make another adult do anything.

The op has tried and nothings changed because he's happy to let someone else do all the work despite it making them ill.

Do NOT give up breastfeeding so he feeds the baby. He needs to do the things you actually need him to do. Not take a thing you want away.

I found handing whole jobs over was better, as DP seems to better understand "hoovering is your job" than "please also tidy so we don't live in a tip". Having said that, I'm currently living with a not very frequently cleaned ensuite because that is not my job.

It works better with things that will impact him like coming up with food on 4 evenings a week. I wouldn't hand over laundry because you'll run out before he does.

Yeah - it doesn't get much better from that. Took me 7 years to ditch my millstone but it was absolutely the best thing I ever did. If he REALLY cared about you as much as he cares about himself he'd step up.