To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

[DazedorBemused]

I've just cleared another carload of stuff from my parents attic. They were born either side of WW2, and talked. Talked so much about rationing, poverty, striking, unions, etc.
My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious.
Then my parents got into collecting stuff - porcelain, dinner services, up scaled their Christmas decorations again and again.

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again.

We had a heck of a job clearing out my late in-laws place. It took us over a year and we still had to call in a house clearance company at the end. Even then it took them over twelve hours of constant work. Again, it was a huge amount of “stuff” and pretty much every gadget from the 70s onwards. On the plus side, we did finally work out why the mobile signal was so terrible in certain places, turns out that loft based 1980’s sunbeds are great call blockers 😂. I’m determined that I won’t put our son through similar, because it was draining.

If you want to smash it or just chuck it, go for it. It's not your fault you've been lumbered with valueless crap, and it's better you don't burden a charity shop with the costs of disposal.

The thing is, as the OP says below, whatever you think you might get from it on eBay or whatever is a bit of an illusion. First because those kinds of collectibles are overpriced on eBay and don’t sell for the prices they are put on at anyway. Easy to get excited because people have their mum’s Lilliput Lane collection on eBay listed at £300; but if you look at what actually sells, the ones that sell make a couple of quid. Everyone’s doing the same, and just waiting for that sucker who wants that exact thing and will pay that exact price, but in reality there’s not really a market for this stuff so you could be waiting for years.

Second, because eBay selling generally takes ages - months or years to clear stuff like that, and in the meantime you have to store it, so it’s cluttering up your space instead which you try to sell it. Then if you cost your time in photographing, listings, managing your eBay account, packing things up and trips to post office, etc., it takes up a huge amount of both time and mental headspace. Often the money you make, after PayPal fees and so on, is not really worth your time listing and selling it. If you had no job and nothing else to do all day it might be worth doing for the money, but if you don’t have much time, it isn’t cost effective to spend it doing this for little joy and very little return.

Third, as above, it’s a long process that takes up your time and mental load for ages in contacting dealers, cleaning and storing things, listing them, waiting to sell them, in the meantime taking stuff to charity shops and the tip and everything else. It’s a slog; exhausting! You could spend a year clearing a house of things like this (and probably at a time when you need to get a house sold for either probate or care home fees, and just haven’t got that time.) In the end you might as well give it all or throw it all away, because the money you’d make compared to the time and effort you spend, and the emotional and physical stress of having all of this fill up your own mind and time.

It really is falling right into the same trap to think you can recoup money for stuff like this. That what led to it all being hoarded in the first place! And then all that stuff is just going to occupy your house, and your life, while you try to fruitlessly make tiny bits of money back from it. A recipe for your parents’ folly and their hoarding dominating your own life for years from beyond the grave. Awful!

And why on earth do people not realise that things degrade? And electrical and other safety standards change? Especially children’s items. When we had DD my parents had already been through this realisation with other grandkids, so thankfully they then knew better than to try to give us all the baby stuff they’d been keeping in the loft for thirty to forty years (it’s still there though, as far as I know…) But MIL was desperate to give us all the unsafe cots, bouncers, foam mattresses, highchairs, toys and carseats she had been keeping since the 80s. All rusted, yellowed, cracking, dangerous and wildly out of date. Why did she think we would be able to use them?

Electricals and computers seem to be a particular thing that pensioners/boomers can’t let go of. The mobile coverage-blocking sunbeds upthread make me laugh! When my grandmother died she still had three bag vacuum cleaners from the mid-century, none working, that she’d taken through several house moves just in case someone could “make use” of them…they still had two pin plugs from before three pin plugs came in. Fuses and wires all rusted away. Basic logic would have said these couldn’t be used; but it’s as if everyone of that generation thinks of their loft as an important historical archive for the Geffrye Museum of the Home, rather than a repository for broken junk.

It's complicated just like it is easy to tell OP to just get a house clearance company is. The reality will be different for everyone. For me I was working, bringing up children and caring for disabled husband. If buying some bits made him happy why not let him. It grew but I had boundaries so nothing in the living room kitchen hall or landing. He has his own study you can hardly move in, a double garage the same, lofts over house and garage and shed. I avoid those places except the times when he was going to sort it all out and I helped. Of course in the end nothing gets sorted just moved.

If he dies first I will sort it as I don't want kids to face it. If I die first I suppose they will just get it cleared.

To be fair to him he has the eye for it, we have at times sold stuff and made thousands, if only he'd do more but it's too late. I don't feel able to go as he couldn't manage alone. Pathetic isn't it.

You are right, my dad wasn't in Costa, he was in the pub every weekday lunchtime and every Saturday afternoon with his B&H.

Mine was in the betting shop and pub. He did budget it within (debatable) realms of appropriateness (no debt, household budgets weren't lacking, although would have benefited from better distribution).

At least when he died there was no ongoing legacy of the gambling to deal with.

There's probably form guides from the 80s still burried deep in the house hoard though...
His clothes are all there 30+ years later, still hanging in the wardrobe.

When "collections" reach hoard level, it may as well be a collection of wine bottles to clear out. Scratch that. At least bottles are simpler and easy to recycle than assorted, degraded jumble.

Would a soup kitchen or similar want the plates? I guess they would prefer disposable.

Mine are so similar to many others here. I have asked and offered to help to have clear outs repeatedly but my mother hums and haws and procrastinates and then says, I don’t have time now. Which means she’ll never let go of stuff. I have attempted to throw some things out at their house (plastic milk bottles, food trays hanging around in the kitchen) so that I can clean, only to find she fishes them out of the bin again (on the pretext she can use them in the garden for potting or whatever; she has hundreds of the
bloody things).

The reality is I have offered to do it, and been refused . Stuff keeps piling up. Now I have stopped offering because it’s pointless.

I fantasise about skips. She has one of those Franklin Mint Marie Antoinette figures. As a result of this thread I went on EBay, and counted 32 of them. She’ll be head first in the skip (yes pun intended and yes it’s probably deeply Freudian but it will give me great satisfaction).

Of course they did and now he's nowhere to be seen no doubt sailing away into the sunset on his bloody fortune while OP is left sorting out their shit.

They continue to make a mockery of this poor woman, even after they've passed!

My ILs have been talking about downsizing for 15 years. FIL not keen because he doesn’t want to pay the stamp duty. Their house would be worth £1.5m from its size and location. I took MIL out for a coffee because it all got a bit tense over Christmas and she said FIL can’t be bothered to sort out the stuff. I feel sorry for her to be honest.

DH and I are resigned to emptying their house once they are in care homes, including DH’s electric keyboard from the 80s and all their toys. The only way they will get rid of stuff is if we have it. We have tried taking stuff and quietly disposing of it but then they ask where it is and almost want proof of life, and it’s not worth the arguments. We don’t have space so it will stay in their house till they pass or move into a care home. It’s not worth falling out over at this stage in their lives now. So we are choosing the lesser of two evils.

Many of these 'limited edition', collectible plates are not food safe

They really are just for looking at.

When someone goes to the trouble of moulding, decorating, firing and selling a ceramic plate and it not be useable as a plate, capitalism has won, frankly

A lot of adult children harbour this resentment towards their parents and siblings: they were the golden child etc. But sometimes I think you need to take it with a pinch of salt.

My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious

It sounds like they gave the OP their time, playing family games, but what she sees is the cost, not the love. Also, sometimes this will have happened once or twice and other times it would have been different but what lodges in the memory are the perceived unfairnesses not times when it might have been the other way around.

The other big issue the OP mentions is the housing help, but might this just have been a reflection of the parents’ financial status at different times in their lives, or the children’s different financial status?

We don’t really know the full actions or motivations of the parents, only the OP’s interpretation so flinging out outraged accusations is a little naive, IMO.

No @HeddaGarbled , they spoilt her brother not just with the lego and a computer but with house deposit. Now the spoilt brother won't help to sort the house.
Ultimately spoiling him may in part be why he's not helpful and not spoiling OP means she's resilient (has to be!).

Mn really focused my attention a couple of times over the years.
I recall to mind the poster (sorry, name not remembered) who said something like, "dusty, mouldy books from the attic with dubious morals". Refering to some old childhood books her mil had saved for her husbands future dc.
Well that gave me a jolt. I cleared out some sentimental(to me) books that I now recognized as being of their time.

Another eye opener was the poster who's son said brightly, "Shall we dump this now or when your dead?" or something equally to the point!

Combined with seeing how exhausting it was for my dsis and her dh clearing out his family home I started taking hard looks at what I owned.
I am now at the once loved hobbies being boxed up for charity for someone else to enjoy stage.

Mn also gave me permission to enjoy the fancy clothes and nice perfume now. Not save for best or occasion.

I worked out for myself to buy a pre-paid funeral plan to save my dd's the stress of trying to plan something while they are grieving. A quick hard conversation and paperwork handed to my eldest and an adult job done.

This thread has certainly given me food for thought even while I was nodding my head at people's stories. Thank you @DazedorBemused .

I agree with previous posters that the baby boom generation probably represents "Peak Stuff" for all the reasons mentioned. They are old enough to have memories of the post-war austerity, when they were urged never to throw anything away (an approach that worked fine in the days when stuff like paper was expensive and scarce, but becomes a trap if you are living in a society where you are being given piles of paper here there and everywhere). And then later, they sort of collided with the consumerism and increased wealth of the 80s and 90s, when a lot of "stuff" suddenly became so much cheaper, and the aesthetics were all about cosy, cluttered interiors and cute china wotsits and reproduction "antique" furniture and soft furnishings covered in flounces and bows, all very dated nowadays of course.

I think another factor is that most of the women of my mother's generation (born in the late 40s and early 50s) didn't work once they had children, while also enjoying modern homes full of labor-saving devices and mod cons. Their "job," once the kids were at school, was pretty much to shop and buy things for the home, and they also filled in the time with crafts and classes - machine knitting, painting, everlasting flowers, what have you. All nice in its way, and some of the stuff my mother and her friends have made over the years has been very lovely with real artistic appeal, but all the stuff they've made and the rooms-full of materials, tools, pattern books, half-finished projects and hobby clutter are another factor in the overstuffed houses.

They also mostly have far, far bigger houses than their children and children-in law (think of those massive (ex)-council houses built mid-century, and compare them with the typical modern newbuild or terrace or flat, which is where their daughters have raised their own kids), and as the saying goes "Stuff expands to fill the space available." I don't have a loft or garage in my modest flat (not in the UK), so "stuff" is managed on a "one-in, one-out" basis; I won't have room to store my tax returns for this year unless I clear out a chunk of space in my slimline paperwork cupboard, so each year the papers get gone-through and a bunch of now-unnecessary papers get put in the burnable trash bin. My parents are far from being hoarders, but I don't think they are anywhere near as strict in this regard; old papers have a tendency to just build up, as they have so much storage space, a garage and an attic!

I think "Swedish death cleaning" really needs a new name and a rebrand. Nobody wants to do something called "death cleaning," seriously, and the emphasis should be on "Get this done while you are a young retiree and have loads of time and energy, not when you are on your last legs." Perhaps "Retirement Refresh Cleaning" or something like that? Make it into an enjoyable project that is primarily about preparing for a great retirement by making your home "fresh-feeling," liberating and easy to clean.

This post exemplifies the misunderstandings about decluttering (and intentionally avoiding clutter in the first place). People should be more careful about clutter as a lifelong habit, and do a big, proper clearout upon retirement or semiretirement. I know people want to enjoy their retirements, travel and so on, but a few hours a week or 30 minutes a day does wonders; someone who is a young retiree absolutely has a responsibility to do this kind of thing. Cluttered houses become a health hazard, are hard to keep clean and can create tripping and falling hazards; getting the house decluttered and sorted should be an early retirement project, NOT something where you wait until you are very old and frail and incapable of doing it.

Some of my mother's friends have been really sensible and gradually worked away at this kind of process through their 60s and early 70s; others have done nothing while continuing to accumulate hobby clutter for all their new hobbies. I knit myself but try to be really mindful about avoiding "stashes" and all that kind of stuff. I think crafting can get very silly and self-indulgent when it involves spending a lot of the family money and taking up unreasonable amounts of storage space.

I distanced myself from an older friend who had - I realised - not so subtly tried to control me. I'd agreed that I'd take in her cat if she died before it...but then she demanded that I make changes to my home to suit her cat and insisted that I be her executor. I refused.

I had - as diplomatically as possible - tried to tell her that she needed to declutter her council flat before the council did it for her. (A housing officer had already made that threat.) She angrily denied being a hoarder...

Her house is full of her parents' old furniture and there's not enough room for it.

Every single step on her internal staircase has at least one ornament. Her hallway is lined with shelves and a mishmash of collectibles. Her bath is full of her cat's things.

Her kitchen surfaces are covered with...non-kitchen items. I haven't seen her bedroom, but get the feeling it's full, from things she's said. I believe that her loft is full of things, including boxes of her vanity published books.

There's a couch in in her living room that you can't actually sit on - it's covered in cushions with QVC brooches all over them. There's a garden chair and collectibles hanging from her ceiling. Shelves up on shelves of antiques and collectibles. The last time I visited, she had to clear a space on the floor for cushions for both of us.

Things keep appearing in her house and on her FB page - presents from admiring friends, she says. They all seem to come from QVC or Amazon.

I tried to help by clearing out packaging for her - she let me do that - and weedkilling her garden.

The cat just walks over everything.

The former friend fell out with me when I refused to stay overnight. She insisted that she'd bought me an airbed at my suggestion.... (Eh? In which universe did that happen?) and that I should sleep on it on her living room floor in order to bond with the cat. (I wish that I were making this up.)

She started to buy things for me from QVC...I recall that there was a singing gnome at one point. A charity shop got them.

I can't got back there - it's too claustrophobic. For me, it was a vision of what my future might be if I'm not careful, hence my decluttering.

She has no children and no immediate family nearby. I suspect that when she dies the council will skip everything.

I've said on a pp that I've been executor three times. That was hard enough. I think I'd die myself before I would put myself through clearing things up for this lady.

As I've said, so far as my own situation is concerned, I'm decluttering and I've told my relatives to get in a house clearance firm when I go. I have told them where to find my jewellery first: I expect that it'll go to cash for gold or something similar. That won't bother me.

I admit that I have cloth and stationery stashes. I passed some of the material on to the Art Dept at my school before I retired from teaching; ditto stationery and teaching materials.

I've been using up what's left from the cloth and stationery stashes and I don't allow myself to buy any more.

I still have a lot of my late husband's stuff. I do have difficulty letting that go. However, I've passed on some things relating to his hobbies. (Yes, I made sure that they were wanted first.)

Hi , I really relate to a lot of these posts . It took six months to clear my mums bungalow. She seemed to think she had an obligation to keep everything her family had ever owned . I had to recycle boxes of damp , smelly books , that hadn’t been opened, since she moved in 2011 .

Dozens of Travel books from the 1990s.
Every holiday seemed to require the purchase of at least 3 books.

Pre internet. That's what we did! I'm not a hoarder. Friends comment on how there's no clutter in our house. But I have hung on to travel books. The notes in their margins are a reminder too of the things we did. I hope my children might find it interesting to know what their parents got up to when travel was more adventurous!
Disclaimer - when I say we don't hoard I will admit we probably have too many books!

We kept the ones that are about places but chucked the guide books with info on opening times & prices!
Some were pristine and should have been donated to a charity shop within a couple of years of buying when they could have been of use to others.

@GreenTeaLikesMe , I crochet , but I find some yarn stashes I see posted online, to be worrying. You would have to knit non stop for years to get through it all .

I think it's like boiling a frog - you don't notice at first as it doesn't all happen at once, and often is in places like attics where you don't see it all. Then twenty years have passed and it feels too late.