To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

[DazedorBemused]

I've just cleared another carload of stuff from my parents attic. They were born either side of WW2, and talked. Talked so much about rationing, poverty, striking, unions, etc.
My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious.
Then my parents got into collecting stuff - porcelain, dinner services, up scaled their Christmas decorations again and again.

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again.

I am reminding myself to get rid of all receipts and dispose of anything I have which is nice so nobody will be resentful of my spending habits after I die.

It all mean absolutely nothing in the end, anyway

Ok, I’m Swedish and death cleansing is not what you describe. At all. It’s about clearing out unnecessary stuff, have things organised, not cluttered. I’m not even 50 and we’ve done it. Obviously it’s not about emptying your house or things you love. But most people do have a LOT of things they neither love nor hate. And are not using.

Incidentally, does Swedish Death Cleansing really advise getting rid of everything and sitting in an empty house????

No.

One of the things I remember when I recently cleared the out of date food in my late DMs kitchen were 9 boxes of out of date eggs. Some were a year old. She also loved to keep an empty max factor powder compact, there must have been about 20 of them.

Yes their fortunes grew and they spent it on tat whilst their dc (OP) was struggling.

What a stupid use of money. Porcelain shit or help my child. Hmm. Tricky.

Yes their life choice was to buy tat instead of helping their dc. What shit parents.

Can you imagine watching your children struggle with 2 jobs and study and then choose not to help them but to buy crap instead?

Having to clear out PILs after they died was an eye opener and has made me consider what we have. I have done a lot of clearing out at home as a result. Still have too much, but it's heading in the right direction.

A lot of it is now boxed in clear plastic stacking boxes so it makes it easier to store, easier for me to find stuff - and easier to transport to the tip after I am gone!

A bit of a prepper maybe, not a hoarder?

He is actually being sensible, as long as you don’t waste the food.

Well, he does have to agree to be executor - he could just say no?

I think that’s exactly what I’ll do. My mum has already downsized, my help consisted of throwing lots of dad’s old stuff and magazine collections out. To add to the issue, mum smokes and anything she gives me stinks, so I’d have to wash all her clothes to donate them. She gave me brand new leather gloves which she’d had in a drawer upstairs, they stank. Plus, I live 5 hours away so I’ll have to supervise from afar.

Could you tell me more about this? I've had cancer and having to sort these things.

I'm sorry, I honestly can't read the whole thread, it hits too hard.

But, I wanted to stand with you and be angry. I'm doing the same with my parents house, salvaging what I can from memories that are tainted with pain from being told 'too poor'.
Its nearly done, I'm nearly done.

And now I have my Grandma's to empty, hopefully using BHF house clearance as it has a lot more order to it and we know where all the important stuff is. Unlike in my parents house.

My parents and my grandma are still alive, but incapable of doing it themselves for various reasons. My brother can't help. THere's noone else.

Its hard
Its painful

handhold

I know it's not the point, but your writing style is 👌

A significant proportion of people are just odd and rigid and controlling and strange behaviour with money/hoarding is often part of it. I don't think external politics or economics are much to do with it.

The pps who commented on some older people often seeming to be obsessed with buying stuff for some "fantasy life" they never had are spot on.

It's like their emotional development is stunted at teenage level....

maybe they had some sort of trauma/humiliation and as a maladaptive coping mechanism they start obsessing over "things"?

I knew an elderly couple who decided to move to a posh university city and renovate an old house whilst having significant health issues.

They seemed to have really bad relationships with their children (one in particular was scapegoat)

but became obsessed with getting into the modern day Bloomsbury club, meeting all these cool intelligent young people who were complete strangers (not their children). They wanted to reinvent themselves but it was far too late!

(they were able to turn up to a few open public lectures with the riffraff before he died).

I didn't think this at the time, but looking back they just didn't have the capacity to enjoy their retirement, act normally, downsize, and enjoy their children (high achieving but not in the "right" way).

They were unfulfilled but it all their own making - I see plenty of older people (often with FAR less money) who genuinely just enjoy life and acting decently with the relationships they have.

That isn’t true, I’m in several Facebook collectors groups and a lot of porcelain and china figures and sculptures are highly sought after.

I shudder to think of Beswick, Moorcroft, Border Fine Arts or even the Lego kits ending up in a skip, to name just a few.

Much better to take it to a charity shop and let them benefit from it - things that might seem worthless to one person could actually sell for several hundred to a collector looking to fill a gap in a treasured collection.

Tough, as it is, be glad she has it for care costs, however long it lasts

Is this your only take on it? Does it even matter?

The difficulty is that while you're right about some of this stuff still having value, that doesn't mean any given collection contains items that are worthwhile. You need to know what you're doing, which a lot of us don't. Sometimes it really will just be dumping a load of low value crap on a charity shop that they can't shift and have to pay for disposal of.

It's quite understandable that people who are typically grieving, feeling overwhelmed and don't know anything about pottery etc would simply chuck it.

It can be hard realising that one’s parents were not actually “really poor” but instead were disorganised and selfish and blamed their children for how hard their lives were. When I realised this during therapy, it was like being set free from a cage of lifelong guilt. My life has been so much better since and hopefully you will be able to leave your parents’ actions in the past and enjoy your future.

I’m assuming OP is clearing out the house because there is a reason she has to.

But the will is an interesting point.

He isn't obliged to undertake the task. If he's not a beneficiary I recommend he surrender the role after their death.

It's the time value. I've been helping my mum sell my Grandad's belongings and by the time you've googled 50000000 things to see if they're worth anything, cleaned them up, listed them for sale, dealt with time wasters etc, sometimes it's just isn't worth it!